LOOK TO THE RAINBOW

THE BEATLES

2010-09-10T01:52:00.000-07:00

When I was little I listened to all the great oldies from the 50's because that was my mom's music era. Then I would listen to my aunt Sally's big band music from the 40's then my aunt Annie's rhythm and blues from the 50's. Then as I took up the violin, I of coarse studied the classics. Even when I first studied voice, I only learned pop standards from the 40's and 50's. Then one day when I was about 12 or 13, my voice teacher had me listen to the Beatles to study their harmony techniques, and WOW, from then on I was hooked!!!!! I bought every album they ever did and I would hear them over and over again.

Then in Dec. 1980 when I was just 14, John Lennon was murdered, and I was devastated. I knew that the hope of my ever seeing the Beatles live in concert was over. I've never been a big fan of any one group because I love so many different types of music, but if I had to pick a group whose music I love the most, and that touches me so deeply, it would have to be the Fab Four.
I think since I stumbled on to them in my teen years when I was going through so much, could be why I love them so.

My all time favorite song would be IN MY LIFE. I will always think of my high school sweetheart when I hear that one. The other song that has such a profound effect on me is the beautiful HEY JUDE. Anyone who has ever been fearful of being in love will relate to that tune. As with any kind of art form, it's all a matter of personal taste. I mean so many people love The Rolling Stones, and I CAN'T STAND THEM!!! But I respect them as a great group, and what they have contributed to Rock'n Roll. But to me, The Beatles not only made history, their music seemed to hit every mood. Whether you're happy, sad, in love, afraid, stoned out of your mind, or just plain empty inside, there is a Beatle song for that mood!

I want to thank the wonderful guys Of BeatleMania Live for putting on such a great show and giving Beatle fanatics like me such joy. And many many thanks to Peter George (John Lennon)for not only performing so great, but for being such a good friend to me!

BEATLE MANIA!

2010-08-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

I had a blast this weekend seeing Beatle Mainia live! I went on Sat. with a friend and was blown away with these guys. Peter George who played John Lennon was a total doll! Anyway I called my friend Lisa and asked her if she wanted to see them tonight, and I went and got us front row places. Then our friend Jim joined us for the second set, and we all had a great time. But the best part was after the show at the meet and greet. While I was in line Lisa took the picture of Peter (John) but when it came to getting close to the table, my chair wouldn't fit! So Lisa went through the rest of the way for me, and got my autograph picture. Then we told the tec that I couldn't get to the guys, the tec told Peter, and Peter told the guys to come take a picture, and they all came out from behind the table and the barricade to take this great picture with me! Needless to say I felt so special and I was able to shake all their hands and tell them how great they were.

Took some great video of the show, and they will be back in two weeks and I'll take some more. I will post the videos on my next post. But for right now I just want to thank the guys of Beatle Mania Live for the great show, and for taking a few moments to be so kind to me. I hope all of you had a great weekend, this sure was a great one for me!

MUSIC I USEED TO DANCE TO

2010-07-20T04:58:00.000-07:00

Among the many things I miss is being able to go dancing. Other than rap crap, I love all sorts of music. From Mozart to Def Leopard, and everything in between! But when I used to go dancing it would have to be to big band swing, or sexy jazz. The last time I went dancing, it was to this great version of "IN THE MOOD" by Brian Setzer, and "ZOOT SUIT RIOT" by The Cherry Poppin Daddies. But for slow dancing, you can't beat "I SEE YOUR FACE BEFORE ME" by the late great Johnny Hartman. Click the titles if you want to listen to these great songs, enjoy!

TRYING TO FEEL BETTER

2010-07-07T01:56:00.000-07:00

It can be so hard to eat right and take care of one's self, but unfortunately the good Lord only gives us one body in this life, and if we don't take care of it, we just can't go buy another one! Even though I've been fighting cancer on and off for many years, at least I was able to take care of my body while I was well. But for the past nine years, as my ability to do things decreased, so did my activity level. As anyone who has lifted weights can tell you, first you build strength, then endurance, not the other way around. I'm taking a break from chemo, and I'm gonna try to build strength. The truth is that if I go right back into chemo, I might not be able to survive. All my organs are very weak right now, so I must try to get strong again. God may have made me a little thing, but I was always very very strong.

So for right now it looks like a low calorie, high protein diet for this little munchkin. And also no sugar (oh shit!!!) but I'm not giving up my honey roasted almonds, sorry I gotta draw the line somewhere! As far as caffeine, that will be the really hard one, but I will do it slowly. At least I will still be able to have a beer or some red wine a few times a week, a little alcohol is actually good for the kidneys when you're in a wheelchair. Well I guess that's it for now, except to say that I feel like a tired little girl looking up at a huge mountain in front of me that I have to climb all alone.

MY FRIENDS

2010-06-20T04:17:00.000-07:00

Friends can be the biggest blessing, and sometimes a true pain in the ass! In the past two weeks I've had friends need me desperately, step up to the plate and be there for me, hurt me so badly that it felt like they ripped my heart out of my chest, and one that informed me that although we've shared some very personal stuff with each other, that I'm nothing more than an acquaintance! Of course all this doesn't sit well with me, and in many ways I'm very angry, but people are human and sometimes we can't help but get rapped up in our own lives that we just don't realize how we hurt one another.

To my friends that have been there for me (and you know who you are) I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope I've never taken you for granted, and that I've told you how much you've meant to me. My health is still very bad, and who knows if I will pull through. If you've been praying for me to get well, I thank you, but please pray for me to find a way to make the most of what time I have, and to be able to live life to the fullest. It doesn't really matter if God gives me one year more or forty, if I don't make the most of it, I might as well be dead. I want to spend my days loving and being close to all of you. To help you if I can, and to make you laugh and smile.

For those of you who have hurt me, a part of me wants to tell you that you're selfish assholes, and I hope you you get smacked in the face like you did to me, but being mad at you won't change anything. We all live our lives the best we can, and there are people in my life that more than make up for your lack of compassion. But I believe in Karma, and in many ways I feel sorry for you because life will bite you in the ass one day. I don't care what ANY of you say, we all have problems, we all have issues. And it's up to all of us to help and be there for each other. It doesn't take much to bring a little sunshine into a life, and it doesn't cost anything to listen to someone even if there's nothing you can do. Don't say "I don't have time, or I have my own problems". Can you imagine if we all thought like that? If being busy or having our own problems was an excuse, nobody would be there for anyone. I know some of you don't believe in God, but I hope you believe in love. So please take a moment to spared a little love, and help someone feel a little better. It's so addicting, and will make your day, trust me. For those of you who do believe in God, what better way to show your love for him than to love and help each other. Trust me I'm not guiltless on this subject, I spent many years concerned with only my own problems, and I payed for it in the end when my marriage went bad, and I was ill, and homeless and I had no one that really cared. No one cared, because I didn't care about anyone or their problems, and Karma caught up with me!

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

2010-05-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone! Been busy with treatments, and trying to get my Bucket List project going. Not much else new going on except I did get a new Sony Vaio laptop! It's not as great as the one I bought last year for my birthday, but then that was a 1,400 one, and this one is a 1,100. Last November I bought an Acer laptop on Black Thursday because I needed one for my business that had Windows 7, so when this one became available for the same monthly payment, I sold the Acer and got this one. I mean who wouldn't get a Lexus for the price of a Ford? My personal laptop (the other Vaio) is more of a Mercedes.

Going to Vegas for my birthday, OMG I'm going to be 44! I need to get away so badly. I usually travel every Spring and Fall but money has been so tight since I haven't pitched any new clients, that I was preparing to not go anywhere this Spring. If anyone wants to meet up with me and my friends, we'll be there June 9-11.

MY ANNIE (2/14/32-4/22/94)

2010-04-22T04:19:00.000-07:00

It's been 16 years since I lost my Annie to breast cancer. Of all the women I've known and loved, she was the one I was closest to. The older I get, the more I look like her! She was a hard woman to get close to, but I was one of the joys of her life.

Born on Valentine's day 1932, she was named after her oldest sister who had died as a baby, Anita. Even as a child she was hard to control because of her temper, and disobedient nature. I remember hearing stories about how my grandpa would throw tools at her, and how that made her become a good dodger. She was 34 when I was born, and I became her baby. I lived with her, my mom, and grandparents in a tough east Los Angeles neighborhood. Annie was a gang member when she was young and had a few small tattoos. Anything to shock and piss off my grandparents. When I was a teenager, I told her I wanted to get a small Betty Boop tat, and she told me if I came home with one she'd kick my ass! Later in my twenties, I told her the same thing and she just said that I was a woman now, and could do whatever I wanted, but said it would be for life, and it didn't look good on a lady, and that that was what I was. I'm glad she talked me out of it.

I've never loved any woman as much as I loved Annie. Not even my mom is as close to me as Annie was. When I was a little girl, she tried to get me to call her Auntie, or Nina (because she was my Godmother) but I kept saying "No you are my Annie" and in later years I would say "My Annie, My Annie" and she would reply "My Baby, My Baby". She was the one that got me trough my grandpa's death, and when my best friend Karen was killed, it was her arms I ran to to cry my eyes out. When my cancer relapsed and I was lying in bed in pain, she'd come into my room and stayed up till 2am rubbing my back until I feel asleep, and she had to be up by 6 to go to work!

On the night she passed away, she was drifting in and out of a coma, and then I touched her hand and said "My Annie, My Annie" and for one brief moment she came to and looked at me. But when she slipped back into a coma, my mom and boyfriend had to take me out of the room because I was hysterical with grief. I couldn't be in the room when she flat lined, my poor mom had to go through that alone. For a few years I was very angry with her for leaving me, for never going to the doctor, for just giving up and letting the cancer kill her. Then one day I was reading in my bed, and I got this overwhelming feeling she was next to me. She needed me to forgive her, and she was trying to tell me that she will always be with me, no matter where I go.

I started to cry, and said "My Annie, My Annie" and I swear I heard her say "My Baby, My Baby" and from that moment on, I never felt alone again.

GOD'S GREATEST GIFT

2010-04-16T00:07:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't believe in God, don't even bother reading this post. But for those of you who do, what do you think is his greatest gift to us? I think it's love. It's something we all long for, and for some of us, it's very hard to give. I'm a very fortunate woman because I've never been completely without it. As I lie here in pain, I can't help but look back on my life and ponder why I've done the things I've done, and why I chose the paths I chose. Do I have regrets? Of coarse I do, but I can't beat myself up on my stupid mistakes, because that's how we learn and grow. And I am proud of myself for never making the same mistake twice, as so many of us do.

But it's so amazing how such a simple yet powerful thing as love can make such a difference in someones life. Now for those of you who are my friends, please read this very carefully because this is not easy for me to write, yet it must be let out of me. I am a stubborn, filthy minded, foul mouth smart ass. I spent the first 33 years of my life thinking that there was nothing in this world better than music, sex, and baseball. I never wanted to hurt or offend anyone, but if they were, that was their problem. Took so much for granted, it wasn't funny, and NO one felt more contempt for this world than I did. We're not talking chip on on my shoulder, we're talking BRICK!

But the truth is my friends is that I NEED all of you. I need your love, your prayers, your hugs and kisses, and yes a kick in ass at times. I don't need your pity or for you to try to "cure" me, or "fix" my life. I'll try not to push you away, but if I do, please be understanding and tolerant. And ladies, there are two men in my life that are mirror images of me, and like me do stupid "what the fuck were you thinking" stuff. I'm not making excuses for them, and you have every right to be hurt and angry with them. But try to keep in mind that one of them is simply young and immature, and the other one simply has never been loved for just himself. They're both good men, that like me need a very very loving, understanding partner. I do believe that love truly is the greatest gift God ever gave us, but we are the ones who have to learn how to give and receive it.

AH THE JOYS OF CHEMO

2010-04-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

There are a few things I really enjoy in life. I love a Pepsi with hot buttered popcorn while watching a good movie, a cold beer and peanuts while watching a baseball game, a glass of red wine with a great big ribeye steak, and a nice hot cup of coffee with my breakfast. And now thanks to chemo, I can't have ANY of that stuff. It all makes me sick, and what's worse it makes the food I can eat taste like rubber bands! I don't want to whine like a baby, but when you can't enjoy the little things in life, what's the point.

I do realise it's how you look at things, and that it's only temporary, but I've been going through this shit on and off for 25 years, and I'm tired. Right now I'm in bed in pain, and too weak to do anything but be on this stupid computer. Not that I want to give up, but I'd rather have a few months of feeling good and able to enjoy things, than a few years of living like this. Even my mom who loves more than anyone else can, told me that if I chose not to do the chemo, she would support my decision, because she thinks I've been through enough.

So what do I do? Stick it out and be miserable, or stop this torture of my body and try to enjoy my life while I can. Unfortunately it's not that simple. Life is never black or white. But I tell you, if I had the money I would make sure my mom and Reggie had a decent place to live, and then I would stop the chemo and spend the rest of whatever time I had traveling, taking pictures, and EATING!!!!!

OPEN YOUR HEART

2010-04-08T01:43:00.000-07:00

Sorry for that last post, but just like life itself, this blog can't be all sunshine and roses. In this post I'd like to speak to those of you who are like I used to be not so long ago. As many of you know the first 16 years of my life we're wonderful and happy. But from that moment to about the time I turned 37 I would say I lived life with what you would call a closed heart. I was not the open book that I am now. I was kind, friendly, but I couldn't let anyone completely in my heart, not even my husband. Yes I saved myself from a great deal of pain, but I also deprived myself of great joy as well.

So for those of you who go through life with thick walls around your heart, please do what you can to lower those walls, or prepare yourself for a very lonely life. Who am I to talk about walls around a heart? What do I know about such things? Well believe me, you're looking at someone who didn't just have walls around her heart, we're talking forts! I was a sort of Pollyanna to everyone. Always there for people always tried to help where I could, but when it came to my own problems or difficulties in life I pushed everyone away, and thought I could handle it all on my own. I always had that "I don't want people to know about my health problems." Or that "I don't want to talk about it" attitude. I've even been criticized by some of my friends about this blog and about writing my feelings down.

The truth is that I was calm and cool on the outside, and screaming on the inside. If you go around like that, you will explode at some point, and chances are it will be over something small, and you'll end up making a fool of yourself. It took me years to learn that by opening up, and letting people see my vulnerable side, I not only help myself, but others as well. Sometime last year I was very down and wrote a very sad and depressing post. At first I thought gee, maybe that wasn't such a good idea to expose my feelings like that, then I received an email form a friend of mine who receives these posts to her email, and she had forward it to her brother who was suffering from severe depression, and after reading it, he went for help. So please, it doesn't matter who you are, or what you're going through, open up and let those around you in. It won't be easy, believe me I know it won't, but it will be worth it I promise you.

Now if you want to see a great example of opening up to love and life, there is a wonderful movie called Shadowlands. This movie sort of changed my life so to speak. It's the true story about the later years of author C. S. Lewis. Click Here to watch it in parts on YouTube. It's about a man in his 50's who after his mom's death when he was a child, spent the rest of his life with a closed heart. He even had the nerve to lecture about faith, God,and love, for which he knew nothing about. Then he meets this divorced mom and she sees right through him, and changes his life. He falls in love for the first time in his life, only to loose her to cancer in the end. But between the time he falls in love with her and marries her even though he knows she's dieing, up until her death, he experiences a joy and happiness that he has never known. And at the very end he asks the question "Why love, if loosing hurts so much?" he then answers himself with "The pain now, was part of the happiness then....That's the deal." You can choose safety, or you can choose pain. But I think I'd rather take the risk of pain to be able to feel the joy.....even if it's just for a little while. That's the deal!

KISS MY IRISH ASS!

2010-03-29T00:24:00.000-07:00

I apologise in advance for this post, and if you get offended easily please don't read anymore of this entry. I'm sick and tired of you people in my life who think the world revolves around you, and that it owes you something. We all have to work hard to get anywhere in this life, and no one owes you a God damn thing! If someone does or is willing to do something for you, it doesn't matter what the end result is, just be grateful that they are willing to do it for you in the first place. I'm not going to mention names here because I don't want to embarrass anyone but you know who you are without my telling you.

There are two of you in particular that I'm very upset with, and this bitching post is directed at you. I realise that we're all human and we blow up at each other, but grow some balls and admit what you did, and say you're sorry! Or pardon my french, and get the fuck out of my life because I don't have the energy or the temperament anymore to put up with your selfish childish ways. I have friends who are fighting cancer, are loosing their homes, have loved ones in the hospital, and one who just lost his son in a car crash, and yet none of them has ever given me the amount of shit that you two have lately. I even have someone in my life who does fly off the handle sometimes because he's going through a lot in his life right now, but at least he's man enough to say he's sorry for treating me that way.

So you two, grow up or get out of my life. I do care for both of you very much, but you don't seem to realise that I've got troubles of my own, and don't need this crap. And by the way you're NOT all that, and you need to eat a few pieces of humble pie, and get over yourselves. I think that's your biggest problem is that you think you're all that and a bag of chips! It turns people off when you brag about yourself, unless they ask first. You guys have this attitude of "Look at me everybody! I've done this, and I'm so great at that! blah blah blah" When you should be saying "Hey here I am, just as confused as you, how can I help you achieve a better life? And can you help me too?" We're all in this life together, and we should help each other. I'm sorry I have to be so mean, but you both have hurt me so, and you don't even care that you hurt me. But it's not all your fault because I let you get away with it, and I said nothing. I put my head down and walked away instead of sticking up for myself. But I did it because I do care about you, and I just was so down I couldn't fight back. But I give you warning that from now on I will no longer take it anymore, and even though I am very grateful for what you've done for me, the gloves are coming off. I don't want to loose you guys, but I have to protect, love and take care of my best friend (me) or no one else will.

2010-03-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like watching a disaster movie when you're depressed! But this song is very uplifting.

ME IN THE KITCHEN

2010-03-23T20:08:00.000-07:00

Went to my friend David's and was able to make dinner for the his whole family. I miss being in the kitchen, and my Beef Wellington came out perfect! David and his wife have been through so much this past year, but Shelly is getting better, and was even able to eat a healthy portion. I made a Brown Betty for desert, and my famous banana nut bread.

I once asked my husband why he loved me so much since he was a musician, and very handsome, and could have any woman he wanted. He turned to me and said "Baby, no one can cook like you, and from the moment I looked into your eyes and tasted your Beef Wellington, I was in love!" Ya I know sounds perverted, but that was the sweet talker he was. Baked a little extra bread for mom, and I just hope I can get us out of the rat hole one day and into a decent place where I can cook and bake again.

NOT THAT STRONG

2010-03-22T02:00:00.000-07:00

Sitting here with my hot chocolate, watching old movies and wondering where am I going to find the strength to smile next weekend. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that the people that are the closest to me think that I'm so strong. It's true that I've been through tremendous pain and suffering in my life, but I'm NOT that strong. It's just that I was brought up in a strict Catholic, loving, giving family that taught me to think of others before my own needs. But cancer is a very lonely and hard disease to fight, and only those who have been there can know what I mean.

I think for me the hardiest thing right now is trying to find the will to fight for my life. I keep thinking of my family that's in Heaven, and how much I miss them. Ever since I was 16 and took over as head of the family, I've had to put my family's needs above my own. Well now 25 years after my first battle with cancer I just want to climb the tallest mountain and shout to God ENOUGH!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WHAT THE HELL MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!

Had a dream a few nights ago and in the dream I saw my grandpa. Big tall and strong and I ran to him like I did when I was a little girl. I sat on his lap, and he told me not to be afraid, and that he was here for me. Believe it or not I can take being ill, poor, and can even take being in this chair, but I can't be the strong one anymore, the one that people run to with their problems. Oh what I'd give to have one more hug from that strong wonderful man. But then again if I was ever granted that wish, how would I find the strength to say good bye like I had to when we buried him. I hope wherever he is he's not disappointed in my weakness, and that he's praying for me to find the strength I need to pull me through these dark days.

YOU HELD MY HAND

2010-03-11T06:50:00.000-08:00

When the storm clouds of life rained down on me-

You held my hand.

When the coldness of mankind turned it's back on me-

You held my hand.

As I struggled to climb the mountain-

You held my hand.

And on those rare days when the sun shined trough the trees-

You held my hand.

So as the pain of life shifts from me to you-

If you truly love me, let me hold your hand too!

MY FAV SONGS OF ALL TIME

2010-03-08T02:54:00.000-08:00

Ask anyone who knows me well, and they'll tell you how much music means to me. Even married a professional musician just because I thought he would understand this deep love.
My idea of Heaven on earth is to go to a concert, or watch a good live band. Even going to a baseball game can't hold a candle to going to a concert to me. I really love all kinds of music from classical to 1989, but 70's rock and jazz would have to be my favs. But there are five songs that are my all time favs, and I don't care what mood I'm in, I will always feel better when I hear one of them. Here they are in order, and if you don't know them, just click on the title and have a listen.

1. BRING IT ON HOME TO ME Sam Cooke

2. AT LAST Etta James

3. BROKEN HEARTED MELODY Sarah Vaughn

4. WHAT A FOOL BELIVES Doobie Brothers

5. YOU'RE THE FIRST, MY LAST, MY EVERYTHING Barry White

PRAYERS NEEDED

2010-02-18T22:23:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't believe in God, I guess I can't ask this of you. But for those of you who do, I really need your prayers right now. I'm facing my life long nemesis Hodgkin's Disease (lymphatic cancer) again. Unlike most cancers that are considered "cured" after 5 years of remission, Hodgkin's is a rare form of lymphoma that NEVER goes away. It usually strikes the young, and even though I'm no longer a young woman, I have been battling it since I was 19 years old. The good news is although it never goes away, it is very treatable, and is far less deadly than Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. The reason is because lymphoma is cancer of the lymph nodes, and no matter what cancer you have, once it spreads to the lymph system, your time is numbered.

My biggest problem right now is that my poor little body might not be able to take chemo, if that's the case, I'm not sure what the outcome will be. The emotional toll will be hard as well, but at least I do have people who love me, to help me get through it. So please keep me AND the ones that love me in your thoughts, as we prepare for battle once again.

GLORY DAYS

2010-02-04T04:06:00.000-08:00

Another sleepless night. My record is 4 nights in a row, but that's a record I don't want to beat. It's funny the things one thinks of when one can't sleep. For the past few weeks I've been very ill, and yet for some strange reason at peace. Even thinking of the old days when I was young and full of life no longer makes me bitter and sad, but peaceful. I even laugh when I recall my so called "Glory Days" touring with the group, and having a blast meeting people in all the small towns we would go too.

A lot of times when I can't sleep I would watch netflix or youtube, but tonight I went searching for this video from The Boss called Glory Days I remember I was 18 or 19 when this came out so at the time I really didn't get the lyrics and what the song meant. Back then I just watched it to drool over Bruce's hot body! If I had listened to it a few months ago I would have either been bitter, or tears would have rolled down my face. But now I smile, think of my glory days, and totally relate to the song. Maybe when my chair is fixed and I feel a little better I should take a trip out to L.A. and to my old stomping grounds. The house I grew up in, the ball field where I leaned to play. I think we all reach a certain point in our lives where we long to go back and remember where we came from. I had a very happy childhood, so I know they will be good memories.

HAPPY 2010!

2010-01-02T00:24:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a great holiday season! I don't know about anyone else, but I was very happy to say goodbye to 2009. With the exception of few wonderful new friends that came into my life, last year was a very sad and lonely year. But with every new year, there is always new hope. As I look back at last year, I think the event that had the biggest effect on me was the death of my high school sweetheart George. Even my mom cried because she remembers when she and his mother were pregnant with us.

Dear God I'm going to be 44 this June, where did the years go? I guess my New Year's Resolution will be to find more peace in my life. Ever since I was young I was either fighting to live, or working hard to make a better life for me and my family. Not that it's bad to be ambitious, but some times we get so caught up with trying to make our lives better, that we don't enjoy the life we have. If I make it to June, that will be the 14th birthday that I wasn't supposed to see. So being that I'm here on borrowed time, I better make the most of it. I think that's why my birthday, and the birthdays of people I love mean so much to me. So here's to 2010, and may all of our dreams come true, and may we all make each and every day count!!!!!!

Mr. Big - To Be With You

2009-12-21T02:12:00.000-08:00

Mr. Big - To Be With You And my Hubby would sing this to me!

More than words

2009-12-21T01:53:00.001-08:00

I remember my husband playing the guitar and I'd sing this song to him, I wish everyone could have a love like that. Maybe I'll find love like that again.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG

2009-12-12T06:44:00.000-08:00

Hello World! I never knew so many of you actually read this blog until I stop writing for awhile. So much has happened since Halloween, and most of it is very painful. I have hundreds of acquaintances, many friends, and some great close friends. I even have an extended family that always seem to pull me through when I need them the most. But this entry is dedicated to two very special men in my life.

GARY: My Papa Gary! He of all my friends is the one that I turn to for not only guidance, but for just plan fatherly love. And of all the people I know, he is the one that I respect the most. He has a grown daughter that faces many of the same life challenges that I have to face, so he REALLY knows what I go through, and just what I need to hear to pull me through. When I'm with him I feel like a protected little girl, and I've waited so long to feel that safe again. Recently a situation came up that really hurt me, and although I don't like to see people I love upset over me, when I heard how angry Gary was, and how he got to the bottom of it, it warmed my heart so much to know he had my back. Although there was really nothing he could do to change it, he just made me feel loved and protected. For someone who's been without a father for the past 27 years, it just feels so good to be loved like that.

TODD: My Precious Toddler! Now I've been blessed a few times in my life to have known someone who understands me, but I don't think I've met anyone who is almost exactly like me! Even from the first day we met last summer, he saw right through me. Wise far beyond his years, he possesses not only the intelligence to know how to communicate with me, but also the patience needed to be close to me. People like Todd and I are very rare. We're not better than anyone else, but we just don't fit in with most of society. Even though we have big hearts with a huge capasity to love, we are ruled by our minds. I guess you could say we are complicated minded people who truly enjoy the simple things in life. He makes me feel peaceful and NORMAL. And I just know that no matter what life may throw at me, I can always call him and even if he doesn't have the solution, he will know what to say to make me feel better.

These two men mean the world to me. The only scary thing about them is that I can never put anything over on them. They know just from the tone of my voice when somethings up, and I can deny it til I'm blue in the face, but it will be of no use. I love them with all my heart, and I only hope that I bring even a small piece of joy into their lives, because I can never repay what they've given me.

Halloween! - Bobby Pickett - Monster Mash - (HD Stereo)

2009-10-31T21:49:00.001-07:00

It's not Halloween without this classic!

I AM A GEMINI

2009-10-14T05:34:00.000-07:00

Gemini Woman

May 21 TO June 21

Slogan: I Think, Therefore I am.

GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS:

The sign of Gemini is known as the “Child of the Zodiac,” and in keeping with that description it portrays youthful vitality, and an ardent curiosity about life. This is a sign ruled by the planet Mercury the fleet-footed messenger of the gods.

It is an airy, communicative sign and therefore the Gemini women are always on the move, and with a mind to match. These girls are always inspired with ideas and they constantly express the need to relate, to talk, and to connect with others.

The Gemini woman tends to be very rational person who analyses life and separates thoughts and ideas into smaller pieces.While this tendency can result in a highly intelligent, versatile, and quick-minded person, it can also contribute to the Gemini woman’s tendency to be dispersed, nervous, and mentally fatigued.

Gemini girls love to travel about, jumping from here to there in a never-ending search for new experiences and discoveries of all kinds. At times this need for continual movement can cause the Gemini woman to lose direction and, it can become more important and override the actual purpose for a journey.

Gemini woman becomes increasingly more discriminating as she matures, and will clarify the focus of her life orientation. Irrespective, by her nature she will endeavour to remain an adolescent as long as possible, since she thrives on, and loves the many faces and the many small adventures that she meets along her versatile way in life.

PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS:

The Gemini woman is one who has a wide variety of interests. She will seek a partner who is as intellectually stimulating as he is sexually attractive and, one who is who is mobile, versatile, and not possessive.

In keeping with her “Sign of the Twins” the Gemini girl has a wide range of friendships and she detests any feeling of being restricted or tied down. Since Gemini is not the most consistent of the zodiacal signs, then any partner to a Gemini girl will need to be a very patient person.

A relationship with a Gemini woman can be very exciting, stimulating, and full of variety, however, there can be a tendency for it to be devoid of true emotional intensity. A Gemini woman can relate very well with those of the signs Aquarius, Aries, and Sagittarius. In addition, be comfortable with Leo . Virgo, Capricorn and Taurus can be a challenge and, difficulties can arise with those with the more emotional signs of Pisces, Scorpio and Cancer.

So if a woman that is very fun to be with appeals to you, and you're not possessive or overly emotional, the Gemini girl can be the girl of your dreams!

MY HEART

2009-10-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know what the hell this virus has done to me, but it's done much more than just make me ill. It's made me feel very mushy and sentimental. It's forced me to lower my walls, and show more of my feelings. I guess in a way you can call it a good thing...but it scares the shit out of me. My mom has been laughing at me because she's known all along what a softhearted person I am, and that I do a great job of hiding it. I guess I've always feared that if I wear my heart out on my sleeve, I'll just get hurt. And if they see the little girl in me, they'll laugh, and not with me, AT me. But you know I've been hiding for almost 27 years, and I'm tired.

Another thing that I've noticed is that not only am I crying more, I'm also laughing with more joy as well. I even bought a bubble gun and I now go down the street in my chair shooting bubbles along the way! Yeah I know, you might think I've lost it, but you know life is just too damn short. I'm not saying I think I'm gonna die soon, but you never know, and I want to die happy. Maybe I'm finally coming to terms with being in this chair, and even though I can't do the things I used to, I can still make a fool of myself.

I'm playing with my dog more, I watch more mushy movies, I laugh more, I'm hugging and kissing my friends more and telling them how much I love them every chance I get. I thought acting like this would make me a push over, but I find that it's making me actually stand up for myself more. My attitude now is that if I care about you, I'll be there for you through bad times because that's what friends are for, but I'm not going to sit with you through a LIFE SUCKS PITY PARTY because I just don't have the time or the energy. A therapist once told me that it takes a great deal of energy to be unhappy all the time, and she was right. I know life is hard, BELIEVE me I know, and we're all guilty of self pity, but as Steven King says in the Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living, or get busy dieing".

Maybe it was hearing scary things from my doctor, and the words "heart donor list" that woke me up. I think we all take life for granted, until you realize it can be taken from you. I've been fighting to live for so many years, but I think for the wrong reasons. It was because I'm not a quitter, and because I had others that love and depend on me. But it was never for me, I never wanted to live for just me, and that's sad. I have a few friends like that, who are existing, not living. One in particular whom I love very much, but since she doesn't love herself, my love for her is in vain. She is more concerned about what people who don't give a shit about her think about her, than those of us who love her. I've tried to reach her but I can't. But I can't change her attitude, I can only change mine. It doesn't matter if I'm here another year, or another 40, if those years are not spent with some degree of happiness, I might as well just die now.

AQUI ESTARE (The english lyrics to the beautiful spanish love song)

2009-10-02T01:09:00.000-07:00

That you will never see me like the girl of your dreams , that you will not pay attention to the facade of my bones; it is certain that the moon is not of cheese and that I do not have model curves…

That never you will understand this absurd feeling, I that I will never have the fortune of a kiss; it is certain that on a daily basis I am living in a story of you foretell that I invent to me…

And even so I will take care of almost leyéndote to you thought, and even so I will remain always to your side next to your silencios, and even so I will follow to you until the world changes and turns the other way around. here I will be (auqi estare)

That you will never see me like the cause of sleeplessness, I that you will not include/understand that I am angel of your story; I understand that your eyes have fear to see the woman that I am on the inside…

WHY I'M SO ILL

2009-09-25T05:05:00.000-07:00

The heart virus that's making me so sick is called Myocarditis. It's the same virus that killed Andy Gibb. My doctor believes the cancer weakened my system so much that that's why I caught it. It's rare (lucky me) but not unheard of among cancer patients. I've been doing some research on the virus, and it also seems to be common among drug addicts. So I was thinking that even though I've never been addicted to drugs (I don't even take the ones I'm supposed to take) maybe all the drugs I have taken over the years would equal the amount a drug addict would have taken. And in doing so, made my poor little body weak.

And speaking of my little body, last Sat. my friend Dawne and I had lunch at Knott's, and afterwords we stopped by the hotel gift shop to see my friend Jim. When I stood up to show Jim how to do something on his computer, Dawne sat in my chair to go for a ride in the hallway. She made the comment that she never realized how little I was until she sat in my chair. My chair took three months to get because it was custom made for me. But I have to admit whenever I look at it, I too am taken back by how small it is. I may only be 4'11 but I've never been ashamed of my body. One time I was on a bus in New York long before I had trouble walking, and this guy looked at me and said "Damn you're short!" I looked up at him and said "Yeah, and you're STUPID! I can wear heels if I want to, but you'll be stupid for the rest of your life!!!" That's me, smart ass to the end, now I tell everyone that I'm the only one I know that can stand up from this chair and still be the same height as when I'm sitting in it!

KD Lang - Constant Craving

2009-09-19T01:54:00.001-07:00

No matter how down I get, music always brings me up. And I love this song, and K.D. Lang, well gay or straight, this woman can belt it out like no one else of my generation. Rock on K.D.!!!!

AN AMAZING DAY

2009-09-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in bed when after a good stretch, the pain was gone. Then my love called and he told me that he realized what an ass he's been and that he was going to come out to see me and if we can work out our problems, he wanted me to come back with him. I called my doctor, and he said that my last blood work was good, and that he thinks it would be alright if I went. Mom came home from work and I told her what had happened, and she said that she and Reggie would be alright for a while and to go ahead and go. I was so exited! I thought that even if it doesn't work out with my love, at least I'd be out of CA and this rat hole, and be on my way to a normal life! Then I went out with the guys for a beer and to tell them the good news, and we were just sitting there laughing and singing oldies, and they all were so happy for me. Then at the end of this amazing day, my sweetie called again and said that he always loved me just for me. It didn't matter that I couldn't do the things I used to do. That he knew that I was the first woman to love him for the person he was and it wasn't his job, looks, or what I could get out of him. Tears of joy ran down my face, and I just knew somehow things would be ok, and no matter if I die tomorrow, I die happy.......Then I woke up! It was still Fri. morning, I still was in pain, it was only a dream.

WHY CAN'T WE BE HAPPY

2009-09-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who has a good job that she's bored with, a nice apartment all to herself, and good health. And she's so unhappy. I on the other hand can't find a decent job, can't find a moment to myself, and am in poor health. And also am unhappy. She doesn't have many friends, and doesn't date. I on the other hand have many friends, and even going for a taco last night got bugged by a guy wanting to buy me a drink. Why can't we be happy? Why can't she and I pull together our resources and give to the other what we need. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

Even though she's my friend, she doesn't understand why guys are always around me, and they never give her the time of day. I've told her a million times that I'm nothing special, and it sure the hell ain't my looks. But if she wants to interact with men she has to open that mouth of hers! I sit and wonder why when she needed a place to live, not only did her church help her get one, but furnished it as well. Don't mean to be cruel, but she really is not the brightest bulb on the marque, and yet she lands a coding job with a medical billing company, and makes good money. She has an eating disorder and abuses her body, and yet is always healthy.

Why? We're both good women that could use a break. There is one big difference between us, and that is she is ready to give up, and I can't. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I'm so sick I do want to lay down and die, but I can never be like that for very long. And no matter how angry I get at life, I can never become bitter and say that I have NOTHING. I am weak and tired, and I might give out, but I don't think I can ever give in, and just can't give up.

Sam Cooke - Bring It On Home To Me

2009-09-08T08:23:00.001-07:00

My all time favorite song. Sam Cooke, Lou Rawls, doing back up, it don't get better than that baby!!!!

WHEN WILL I DIE?

2009-09-08T03:29:00.000-07:00

Just took this fun little application on Facebook where you enter your birth info, and it calculates when and how you'll die-

Christina just found out the Death's Time:
Date: June 9 of 2032 at 7:21 pm.
Cause: Apparent heart attack aboard a cruise ship
Age: 66 years old

All I had to say to that was- "Shit! I have to wait that long to have peace! Well I hope that heart attack is do to great sex on that cruise ship, because if you gotta go, that's the way to go!"

ANOTHER LATE NIGHT

2009-08-23T03:21:00.000-07:00

Putting in another late night at Denny's, and screwing around with the web cam on my Sony Vaio. Normal people go dancing on Saturday night, or go drinking, or get.....well you know. But what do us pathetic people do? We have coffee and do work at Denny's. Not that I lead a lonely life, because I do have a ton of friends to go out with, and chat on FB, but I just bore very easy, and when I do want to sleep I NEED QUIET!!!!! BTW been getting lots of compliments on my do, What do you think?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

2009-08-21T17:58:00.000-07:00

I can't put this in a delicate or sweet way, so I'm not even going to try. So my question to you is WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!! I realise you're human with human faults, but I never thought you were just plain stupid. We all put on masks to hide our pain, or true feelings to the world, but deep deep down inside no matter who we are, we would all love to find someone that truly loves us just the way we are. Well mister you've found it, and now you're playing games and hurting the one person that really loves you.

Don't you want someone who is fun, loving, affectionate, has more than a single digit IQ, and above all puts you and your feelings first? You've been here a few years babe, you know how hard that is to find. Like the Billy Joel song says, TELL HER ABOUT IT! And the song also says she's put her trust in you, but a girl like that won't tell you what you should do. Remember this is me talking to you, and you may think you can bullshit me but you can't. I know you have feelings for her, and I know how much you care. So don't be a dumb ass and blow this chance to find true joy. Even if you're just scared to put your heart out on the line, just tell her and she'll understand. And unless you're the most stupid person in the world, you must know how much she loves you. But you're the man, it's up to you. She's a lady, and true ladies never push. But as much as she loves you, she also loves herself, and you've made her cry with your thoughtless behavior, and untruthful ways.

Maybe you might be angry that I didn't put this in a private email, but you know who you are, and who she is, and maybe there's someone out there in the same situation, and needs a wake up call as well. Besides you're ether going to listen or your not. But remember, if you let her slip away, don't ever sit back with friends and feel sorry for yourself. Because at least once in your life you were blessed with true love, and YOU threw it away.

TOMORROW'S A BIG DAY

2009-08-21T01:23:00.000-07:00

So excited about tomorrow and my first meeting with my first client. My tummy is doing flip flops! He’s looked at my work online, and says he likes my style, and most of all both he and his wife like me. I never had a confidence problem, but since I’ve only been doing this off and on for 4 years, I admit I don’t have the confidence I should have, but I’ll give it all I’ve got.

It’s so hard to change careers at my age. I know how to run an office, be a damn good personal assistant, even have a marketing, advertising, and public relations background. But being stuck in an office all day is like putting me in jail. I think I loved being a PA the best, because my boss’s success was in many ways my success. But I was a full charge PA and that meant running errands, and I can no longer drive. Guess I can always sell myself on the corner, but shit then I’d really starve!!!! Wish me luck!

THE CHOICES WE MAKE

2009-08-17T23:09:00.000-07:00

I have a friend named Stacy who has been battling cancer for over 15 years, and now it's relapsed again, and she doesn't want to take the treatment. For those of you who know her, YOU NEED TO BACK OFF!!!!! I know you care about her and don't want to loose her, I feel the same way, but in the end it's her choice. All we can do is be there for her, and help in any way we can. As my own doctors have said, sometimes the quality of life is more important than the quantity.

I've come to that point in my life. Not that I want to lay down and die, but if I only have a little time left, I want to find some joy before I go. I remember the post I wrote about not having any joy in my life for so long, well the truth is that it was all my own fault. I'm the one who put those walls around my own heart. I taught myself not to become attached or dependant on anything or anyone. Yes it does save you an enormous amount of pain, but it also robs you of joy.

I'm going to try to not only cut out of my life those that walk over me and take me for granted, but to love the ones that are in my life a little bit more. I want to be remembered with a smile, and maybe that I made them laugh once, not as a bitter woman in a wheelchair.

So remember we all go through some bad points in our lives, and if you suffer from depression, it's not your fault, and you need to get help. But if you find yourself constantly bitching about how unhappy your life is, 9 out of 10 times YOU are the one that needs to change. It's not easy, but all we have is here and now. We might not have tomorrow, and we can't bring back yesterday.

LOVE CAN BE SO GRAND

2009-08-09T02:23:00.000-07:00

Dear when you smiled at me,

I heard a melody,

it haunted me from the start.

Something inside of me,

started a symphony,

ZING! Went the strings of my heart!

'Twas like a breath of spring,

I heard a robin sing,

about a nest set apart.

All nature seemed to be,

in perfect harmony,

ZING! Went the strings of my heart!

Your eyes made skies seem blue again.

What else could I do again.

But keep repeating through and through

"I love you, love you"

I still recall the thrill,

guess I always will,

I hope 'twill never depart.

Dear, with your lips to mine,

a rhapsody devine,

ZING! Went the strings of my heart!

JUST FOR SHITS & GIGGLES 2

2009-07-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

I know some of these are stupid, but what the hell I'm bored!!!!!

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

JUST FOR SHITS & GIGGLES

2009-07-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job."Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

SO STRONG

2009-07-26T06:25:00.000-07:00

I can’t count how many times I’ve been told how strong I am because of what I’ve had to endure in this life. Even my own mother thinks I’m an extremely strong woman. I just smile and say thank you, but the truth is I’m NOT strong. Deep down inside is a very weak frightened little girl who would love to be sheltered and protected. In many, many ways I’m very much like my idol Judy Garland. I studied voice with Lew Salter who worked with Judy, and I found out that not only did we share the same birthday, height, 3 octave range, prefer to sing in B flat, but that we were both Daddy’s girls. Well in my case I was a Grandpa’s girl. That poor woman spent her whole life searching for that loved and protected feeling that she knew as a young girl. I guess you could say I have too, but the difference between Judy and I, was I didn’t turn to drugs to cope with life. Not to put poor Judy down, God rest her, for they were shoving those pills down her throat as a young girl, (can’t see how her mother allowed that) and to be honest, if there wasn’t an addiction factor in taking drugs, I’d say bring them on and let’s get high! But there’s just something inside me that doesn’t allow me to be dependent on anything OR anyone. I guess it’s because there’s a huge down side to it, and I don’t think I could survive it.

So how do I stay strong? Two reasons, my love for God, and love for my best friend (me). I guess some people think because I don’t speak about my faith too much, they assume I’m not religious. Well let me tell you at one point when I was a teenager, I was seriously thinking about becoming a nun, (ok stop laughing) but I wanted to be a mother and a wife too much to do it. I don’t have to carry a bible in my hand all the time, wear a I LOVE JESUS t-shirt, or preach to everyone to be close to my Lord. As my Grandpa used to say, “Just worry about getting YOUR soul into Heaven, pray for others, do for others, and don’t judge anyone because you’re no better than anyone else”. That’s why I don’t discuss religion or politics, because I don’t need to get others to think as I do to believe in what I believe in. As far as my best friend goes, well she may be stubborn, a smart ass, an over all pain in the butt, but she is also honest, loyal, very loving, and always backs her friends up.

I have two close friends who have some serious self hate issues, and I wish I could help them. Both are great women, and I know deep down they would love to be loved and cherished. One of them hates herself so much that even if Mr. Right came along, she’d push him away. She refuses to see the wonderful things about her, and she claims she’s tired of hearing about loving herself. I told her I used to be the same way, and it took 36 years for me to learn how to love myself, and be my own best friend. The thing that I learned is unless you love yourself, not only can no one love you, but you can’t claim that you truly love anyone as well. She claims to have loved her family, who are now gone, and she may have loved them, but she doesn’t see that in not loving herself and wanting to die to be with them, would only hurt the ones that she claims to love so much. The other has been in and out of the hospital, has been wanting to kill herself for many years, been married 5 times, and is petrified of being alone. But she asked me one day how I learned to love myself, and I told her for me I just started to give myself a break, and to try to step out of myself to try to see what others saw in me. It wasn’t easy, but then few things that are worthwhile are. And I still mess up sometimes. But I started to do more for others, I chose good people for my extended family, and I learned to trust God more. I don’t mean to preach, and what worked for me doesn’t mean it would work for someone else, but after I did these things, I found I could pretty much face anything. The only problem I’ve been having lately is that the outlets that I used to turn to bring me joy, I can no longer do, and I’m having trouble finding alternatives.

Well boys and girls, that’s the lesson for today, so remember that sometimes people you may think are very strong, can be just as weak as anyone else, they’ve just learned how to cope with life in a way that works for them.

BEAUTIFUL AND TRUE.....

2009-07-17T19:39:00.000-07:00

When I was little, my favorite Disney film was Bambi. The words to the song from that movie always makes me feel better.

Love is a song that never ends-
Life maybe swift, and fleeting.
Hope may die, but loves beautiful music-
Comes each day like the dawn.
Love is a song that never ends-
One simple theme, repeating.
Like the voice of a heavenly choir-
Love's sweet music goes on!

Tell the people you love in your life how much they mean to you, and remember in the end, there's always love.

100 TRUTHS

2009-07-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

Interesting survey on Facebook...Here we go!

1. Last beverage- Water

2. Last phone call- Robert

3. Last time you cried- Last night

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice- Yes

2. Been cheated on- Yes

3. Cheated someone else- No way

4. Lost someone special- Yes

5. Been depressed- Am right now

6. Been drunk and threw up- At 18, and never did it again

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Red

2. Peach

3. Pink

4. Yellow

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends- All the time

2. Fallen out of love- Yes

3. Laughed until you cried- Yes

5. Found out who your true friends were- Yes thank God

6. Found out someone was talking about you- Yes

7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list- Yes

8. How many people on your friend's list do you know in real life- About 65 out of the 90

10. Do you have any pets- 1 dog Reggie

11. Do you want to change your name-No

12. What did you do for your last birthday- Went out to dinner with friends

13. What time did you wake up today- Didn't go to bed

14. What were you doing at midnight last night- Computer stuff

15. Name some things you CAN NOT wait for- Joy in life, a good nights sleep

16. Last time you saw your father- He died when I was 12

17. One thing you wish you could change about your life- Where I live

19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom- Yes

20. What's getting on your nerves right now- These questions!

21. Most visited webpage- Youtube

1. What's your name- At birth- Christina Louise Lane

2. Nicknames- Steel Baby, Pixie

3. Relationship Status- What relationship?

4. Zodiac sign- Gemini

5. Male or female or transgendered- The last time I checked Female

6. Elementary- Cresson

7. Middle School- Robert Lewis Stevenson

8. High school- James A. Garfield

11. Long or short hair- Short

18: What do you like about yourself- My wit

19. Piercings- Just the ears

20. Tattoos- Hell no

21. Righty or lefty- Proud righty

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery- Elbow

23. First piercing- Ears

24. First best friends- George, Carol, Judy

26. First sport you joined- Softball

27. First pet- Dog, Lassie

28. First vacation- Pismo Beach

30. First crush- Scott, first grade

49. Eating- Simalac

50. Drinking- Water

52. I'm about to- Have another Heineken

53. Listening to- The Boss

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids- Can't have any

59. Want to get married- No, been there done that

60. Careers in mind- Not sure

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes- Eyes

69. Hugs or Kisses- Hugs, big bear hugs

70. Shorter or taller- Taller

71. Older or Younger- Older

72. Romantic or Spontaneous- I'm a sucker for both, but I'd have to say spontaneous

73. Nice stomach or nice arms- Arms

74. Sensitive or loud- Loud

75. Hook-up or relationship- Relationship

76. Trouble maker or hesitant- Neither

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger- No

79. Drank hard liquor- Yes

80. Lost glasses/contacts- Yes

81. Sex on first date- No Way

82. Broken someones heart- Yes, But didn't know it till years later

83. Had your own heart broken- Oh yes

86. Turned someone down- Yes

87. Cried when someone died- Yes

88. Liked a friend that is a girl- Hell No

89. Liked a friend that is a guy- Married my best friend

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself- At times

90. Miracles- Oh yes

91. Love at first sight- Not for me, but I'm sure it can happen for some

92. Heaven- Yes

93. Santa Clause- Yes

95. Kissing on the first date- Depends

96. Angels- Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now- Yes

99. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time- No

100. Posting this as 100 Truths- Yes

THANK YOU PAUL

2009-07-08T02:16:00.000-07:00

I just want to thank my good friend Paul Douglas for the great biography he wrote for my web site. Thanks PD!

Christina was born and raised in Los Angeles, California. She began speaking at six months, and was able to carry on full conversations by the age of two. Extremely musically inclined, her family encouraged her to develop her talents, and by the tender age of ten she had achieved first chair violin in her school district’s honor orchestra. This was an extraordinary accomplishment considering the fact that she was unable to read music! “I have severe dyslexia, and the notes always looked backwards, so I learned to play by ear alone.” By twelve her voice was the most promising of all her instruments, and she began to study with the great Lew Salter. As a result she won the title role of Annie in the first Los Angeles production of the Tony award winning musical.

Yet music and acting were not her true love. Once in the 5TH grade she was told to write a story using all the words in that week’s vocabulary list, and she wrote what she calls her first attempt at comedy writing. So moved by her story her teacher sent her on an errand to the front office while he read her story to the class. She returned to find the whole class laughing and applauding her. “That was it! I was hooked, and I wanted more of it. To have all those faces looking at me with joy on them was a feeling I’ll never forget.” But after all the money her family put towards her music, she felt compelled to keep this desire a secret. So after her role in Annie payed off the family home, she finally told her grandparents of her desire to be a writer. “I knew it would be an uphill battle, because I’m a much better singer than I am a writer, and because of my learning disability, I naturally couldn't excel in English.”

Then in 1982 at the age of sixteen, she experienced a life changing tragedy when her beloved grandfather passed away. After years of hard work to try to be able to attend a good college, she dropped out of high school, and almost ended her own life.

The following year she met her friend and mentor Molly Kelly, and began to work on her dream of becoming a comedy writer. She began writing for the group The Comedy Divas a troop of female stand up comedians in Los Angeles. She eventually started performing with the group in 1987, and stayed with the troop until 1992.

But it was a diagnoses of Hodgkin's Disease at nineteen that truly shaped her adult life, and she would battle the cancer on and off for the next twenty years. Now in 2009 at the age of forty-three she is in remission from lung cancer. “Cancer has been a part of my life ever since it took the life of my grandpa. Since then it has taken more people I love than any other cause of death. I don’t know why it has not taken me, but as I often say, Heaven must not want me yet, and Hell must be afraid of the competition!"

REAL MEN

2009-07-01T04:01:00.000-07:00

I love men! I love being with them, talking to them, and of course......well we won't go there. Even though there are rotten apples, most of them are truly great friends. I feel so comfortable around them, that even if I'm the only woman on the fishing boat, I can have such a good time. One time a woman told me that I don't like being around women because I don't like not being the center of attention when I'm around woman that are more attractive than me. Give me a break! I know I'm not pretty, I never have been, and I never will be, and that's fine. As far as getting attention, I'm a God damn comic, so I can work a room and get men AND women laughing. I just don't know how to connect with women on a one on one bassis. Let me tell you something ladies, If you put me in the right clothes, put the right amount of make up on me, I can be just as Gilly girl as you, and my c cups are REAL!!!!!!

Anyway, a perfect example of my relating more to men, I was just at Denny's for my late night coffee, and when John the waiter was going to bring me a 3rd cup, and I told him that I just want more water, he looks at me and says, "Well then what am I suppose to do with all this cream?" We just looked at each other and busted out laughing! The waitress who also knows me didn't get it, and when I explained it to her, and when she realized it was a sexual joke, she just rolled her eyes, and gave me a dirty look. Most women for some reason seem to have such a hang up about sex that I just don't understand. I realise that we tend to hold more of and emotional connection with it than men do, I'm no different, in fact I can still count the number of men I've slept with on one hand! But I just can't understand why they just can't have fun with the subject. As long as it's in good taste, and not too graphic. Though I swear I've heard some girl talk that was completely XXX!

Now just because I said I love men doesn't mean I love ALL men. There are three types that I can't stand, Cowards, Bullies, and Whipped men just turn my stomach! Cowards that have to hit women, Bullies who have to make their women cry to get their way, and Whipped men that have to ask their wife's permission to take a shit are totally useless men, or should I say males. I guess every woman is different, but I love REAL men. Men that you can look up to, admire and respect. They take the world on their shoulders, they know how to treat a lady, and if you walk with them you don't have to worry that they're going to jump behind you in a pinch. They open doors for you, and unless they're sick or hurt, you never have to do the driving! I know women should be able to have any job they want, but I tell you if I'm in a burning building, I want to see a big strong fire MAN at the end of that ladder, not a woman! Maybe that's a sexist way of thinking, but maybe if we hadn't confused our roles so much, the world would be a better place.

THE DRAGON IS LOOSE

2009-06-30T02:25:00.000-07:00

I can't say that I'm happier, but something has happened to me. I remember a few weeks after I turned 29 and I was very very ill and in stage 4 of cancer. The doctor came in and told me to focus on the quality of life rather than the quantity, because I probably wasn't going to see my 30th birthday. I went home crying, and almost gave up. Then something happened to me that night. I don't know what you would call it, but something inside of me just snapped. I became very angry, and just told the world and everyone that wanted me to give up and lay down and die to fuck off!!! As I've said many times, being half Irish and half Native American is a very dangerous combination. I'm not only stubborn, but I have a fiery temper that can move mountains. So if I put my mind on something, and someone or something lights a fire under my ass, LOOK OUT!It was like that scene in Gone With The Wind when Scarlett is starving and in the garden and she vows to beat this and live through it. Well not only did I see my 30th, but I saw my 40th, and God damn it, I intend to see my 80th!

Yesterday I was suppose to see a specialist to see if I have MS, and they called me to tell me that my insurance won't cover the visit but if I want to pay for it ($250.00) I was welcome to keep my appointment. Then I received a letter telling me that CA has just dropped my vision and dental coverage. Most people don't know that chemo effects your teeth, and I need major dental work done, but I was waiting till I was in remission. I snapped, blew a fuse, hit the roof, had a cow, any way you want to call it, it happened. The Dragon came out with a fury, and all I can say is that it was a good thing that no one was home, but I do think I scared the shit out of Reggie.

So now what? Well for one thing I'm through with doctors, and drugs. I'll keep up with my check ups, but that's it. I'm going to find some way to leave this fucking CA, and I'm NEVER going to live here again. Mom said she'll move anywhere I want to go, so we're OUTTA HERE! I've asked God to bless me with something that I want very much, and I told him that I want to touch, help, and love as many people as I can before he calls me home. Don't know how I'm going to do all this, or even find the money to do these things, but I was spared for some reason, and I owe it to all those who've not survived cancer to at least try.

Ever since this depression started in January, I found I was crying more and more for my family and friends who have passed away. I felt lost and abandoned. Even though I knew in my heart that I was going to be with them some day, all I could think about was that they weren't here with me now that I needed them the most. But the truth is they never left me. They walk with me every day, and kiss me good night. They pray for me, and I bet I can still make them laugh like I used to do. Even though I miss their hugs and kisses, and seeing them smile at me, to say that I don't feel them near, would be a lie.

Lastly I want to say that I believe very much in the power of prayer. Only the fool says there is no God. I've seen healthy people drop dead, and people on their death beds get well, and no one can explain it. He's answered every prayer I've asked him, even if it wasn't answered in the way I wanted. I'm sure all this suffering is for a reason, and one day I know he'll show me why. So my friends please pray for me, and pray for those I love that are going through some bad times too. And pray for all those who are suffering from depression that are in dark places, because believe me it can happen to any of us at any time, and when it does we need extra love and understanding.

CAN'T STOP THE PAIN

2009-06-27T03:19:00.000-07:00

Just woke up and I feel so incredibly sad. I'm trying so hard to come out of this, and yet I feel like I'm loosing. I'm not suicidal, but I'm tired of living. I know there are so many that love and care about me, yet I feel so alone. I feel so guilty about all the prayers that were given on my behalf to get me to this point, and yet I'm not grateful. Still in shock about loosing my friend Molly, and wondering why God spared me and not her.

The only thing I can think of is that in all this time, I've not found joy. Never really had time to think about it, because I was either fighting to get well, or I was too busy taking care of someone else. I've only known joy twice in 43 years. The first 16 years of my life, and when I was pregnant with my son. My mom once told me that if they made a movie of my life, no one would believe all the tragedies I've been through. And yet I must admit, there have been many, many, joyful moments in my life.

So where do I go? Who do I turn to? What do I do? I've always craved being with my friends, laughing, catching a ball game, or just reading and listing to my music. Now, I turned down my friend's invite to come over this weekend, I stooped going to the sports bar, I only call my close friends when I need to talk to them about something important, or if they need me, and I even turned down an invite to go fishing 4TH of July weekend, and I NEVER turn down a fishing trip!

I keep waiting for my best friend to show up to rescue me. The little smart ass that gets a kick out of making people laugh. The girl who puts me in my place, and never lets me feel sorry for myself for too long. She's been with me all my life, and with the exception of my grandpa, the only one I've ever been able to count on. I looked in the mirror a while ago, and she's just not there.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

2009-06-21T02:23:00.000-07:00

My grandpa was and is the one true love of my life. What made him so special? At first I didn't know myself. But as I became a women and socialized more with men, I finally knew. He was an old fashioned gentleman, without being a male chauvinist. I can't tell you how many times he told me I could be anything I wanted to be, yet he better never catch me not acting like a lady, or I was in big trouble!

One of my favorite memories was when I was about ten, and he and my uncle put up this great big jungle gym for me in the back yard. I asked him if I could bring some friends over to play with me, and he said yes, and then the next day he caught me playing with about twelve boys! Needles to say, I was in BIG trouble. He knew I was far too young to be doing anything wrong, (hell, I didn't have my first kiss until I was sixteen!) but he tried to explain that my playing with twelve boys, was just not lady-like.

It wasn't always easy being his little girl, because I was as much a smart ass and stubborn as he was, but no girl could have had a better father. He taught me that men aren't the complicated creatures we women think they are. If you find a good man, all you need to do is just let them be a man, stroke that ego, show them you love them, stroke that ego, don't try to make them think like you do, oh and did I mention to stroke that ego? Women are the ones who are the trouble makers, I still end up putting my foot in my mouth with women, and I'm a woman!

Is it possible to be a ladies man and still be faithful? Well grandpa proved it was. I remember the stories about him knowing his share of women, and he had a ball in Paris during WWI. But then in 1923 he married this little spitfire of a woman named Mary, and he stayed with her for fifty-nine years! Yet he attracted women like bees to honey. He told me one day that life is too short, and it doesn't matter how long your married, if your not happy leave, and try to find happiness with someone else. But never try to have your cake and eat it to, or you'll be sorry. He said he felt sorry for men and women who stay in a loveless marriage for the kids, or money, or even worse, because of a vow they took in church. He thought of God as a father, and what father would want his child to be unhappy. You know for a man born in the 1800's he was one hip dude! No angel by any means, but a straight, no bullshit type of man that lived his life by his own set of morals.

There was just one thing wrong with my relationship with my grandpa, and that was that God only let me have him for sixteen years. The man was my father, teacher, protector, and best friend. In other words, he was the center of my universe. I remember my grandma telling him that we were too close, and that he was probably not going to live to see me grow up, (he was 70 when I was born) but he told her it was too late to change things now. But grandma was right, and on October 16, 1982 God called him home. Now twenty-seven years later not a day goes by that I don't think of him, and what he must think of me, and how I turned out.

Men like grandpa are very, very rare. In fact in my forty-plus years I've only known three. Two thank God are in my life now, the other was my childhood sweetheart George. We reconnected about three years ago, and he said that the one thing that he remembered about grandpa, was that he loved that grandpa could wear a pink shirt, except flowers from a woman, and still hold his manly head up high. "Your grandpa would have loved that t-shirt that reads REAL MEN WEAR PINK!" It's true, grandpa wasn't afraid of his feminine side. He was a man's man, and he didn't need to be a bully, or have a trophy wife, or even have a bunch of money to hold his head up with other men.

Grandpa, like the song from Bread says, "no one could ever know, the part of me that can't let go" everything I am, and believe in, you taught me. But you never taught me how to live my life without you! I hope mom is right, and that you are proud of the woman I've become. But I don't care how many years go by, or how many men come in and out of my life, I miss being in your arms and hearing you tell me that everything will be alright, and that you're there for me. I miss not having you here to protect me, defend my honor, and to make me laugh. Through the years I've learned to do all those things for myself, yet I've never learned how to live without that huge strong loving hand of yours stroking my shoulder telling me that I was loved, and that no one better mess with your little girl. Well your little girl misses you, and again, as the song says, "I would give everything I own just to have you back again!"

THANK YOU EVERYONE!

2009-06-12T05:56:00.000-07:00

OMG! What a week! Thank you all for your gifts, cards, emails, flowers, and most importantly, your love during this birthday week of mine. That’s why no matter how hard life gets, I can never sit down and feel sorry for myself, because I know so many out there love me. Although I love and thank you all, there are a few I want to especially thank-

Mom- Mommy, I take your love and support so much for granted. Even though I tease you and call you a pain in the butt….truth is I’d be lost without you. No one will ever love me as you do, and I can never love anyone as much as I love you Mommy!

Robin- Even though you had a hell of a day on my birthday, you still showed up. That means so much to me, because that’s a true friend. But it goes both ways sister dear, so always know I’m here for you too.

Shannon- My baby girl! You’re such a chip off the ol block! Although I may not be your real mom, I love you as much as if I popped you out myself. Wasn’t it fun making John blush at the restaurant? A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste, and that’s why you and I rocked the house that night. We need to take our act out on the road!

John- Thanks so much for coming to my dinner, and for being such a good sport while Shannon and I played around. You’re a class act, and I love you dearly.

Molly- Last but not least, Molly what would I do without you! Not only do you never forget about me, you make sure that no one else forgets about me either. You’ve known me longer than anyone, and yet you still stick by me. Thank you my friend.

And again thank you all!!!!!!!

HOW MUCH WE CHANGE

2009-05-25T06:12:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my friend Molly last night and she brought up how much I've changed over the years. Of course I changed big time when I was 16 and my grandpa died, and my world fell apart. But I think the biggest change in my life was when I was about 35. All through my twenties and early thirties, I had this incredible chip on my shoulder, and I was so angry. If you notice, most stand up comedy revolves around anger. What was I so angry about? Who knows, I think it was the fact that all my adult life in addition to having to fight for my health, I always had to take care of someone, but there was no one there to take care of me.

But maybe it was that deep down inside, I just wanted to fit in. In school I was very popular, even though I was chubby and unattractive. And by the time I was in high school, I had excelled so much in softball and roller derby (I used to practice with the LA T-Birds) that my calender was pretty full. But I could never seem to fit in with any group, male or female. Even though by the time I was 18, I had studied voice with the late great Lew Salter, played the lead in Annie at the Pantages theatre, sang at the Hollywood Bowl twice, and yet I never was happy. I just wanted to be normal. A normal woman, or shall I dare say a "typical woman" even though I bitch about my sex all the time. There's a lot to be said about being typical. Maybe if I had been typical, I'd be leading a typical life, and be married with children.

So I think for the first 35 years of my life, I was angry at myself for not being typical. Then in and around my 36th birthday, I noticed that I just had to face the fact that I'm never going to be tall, thin, pretty, girly-girl, or have a family of my own.....and it's okay! I realized that even though I wasn't with my husband anymore, I was never at a lost for male company. When I get those snotty looks from my friends wives and girlfriends, it's not that I'm the freak, it's just that they're mad because their man would rather hang out with me then sit with them. I realized that it's good not to fit into a category and be typical, because then I would be boring and ordinary. God blessed me with the gift of being unique, and I needed to be thankful.

Now I'm facing the same insecure feelings I faced all those years ago. Trying to find the blessing in being in the chair. Feeling insecure when I'm out with friends having a good time. And dating? Oh God no! And it's not because I'm not asked, and it's not looks, because I never fall for a guys looks, and even though I'm not beautiful, I'm kind of cute. It's just that The type of man I love wouldn't give me the time of day. The type of man I love is a go getter, adventurous, athletic, charming, and witty. A man that doesn't just talk about things he loves, he goes out and DOES them! And not that I don't like romantic dinners and walks on the beach, but now I can't even walk on the beach without help! So once again the things I took for granted and laughed about, I wish I had. So the moral of this entry is? Count your blessings! Don't bitch if you have to take the stairs when an elevator is out. And above all never ever say "I'll never change" because that's just when life will come and bite you in the ass!

RAINBOW CONNECTION

2009-05-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

Everyone has had a song that touches us in a certain way. When I was little, my father (who was born in Ireland) used to sing to me LOOK TO THE RAINBOW, and that's why I named this blog that, and why the lyrics are on the top of the page. Even though my grandpa was my hero and the love of my life, Papa was also very influential as well. I was only twelve when he passed away from cancer, but at least he had the chance to see me on stage as Annie.

Now I have passed on the tradition to my little Steven, and when I saw him a few weeks ago, we sang a song by the wonderful Paul Williams called The Rainbow Connection. As my father wanted me to fallow my dreams, (which unfortunately I didn't do) I want my little Stevie to always believe in his. He's only going to be eight next month, but I hope I lived long enough to have made some good memories. Here are the lyrics to this sweet little song-

Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions. And rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong, wait and see. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me. Who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star? Somebody thought of that and someone believed it, and look what it's done so far. What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing? And what do we think we might see? Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me. All of us under its spell, we know that it's probably magic....Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices? I've heard them calling my name. Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors? The voice might be one and the same. I've heard it too many times to ignore it. It's something that I'm supposed to be. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.

MY TRIP

2009-05-10T17:35:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say I was glad to be home, but that would be a lie. But I am glad to be back with Reggie and mom. My spirit has been hit with some major blows that have unfortunately put it on life support, so this trip helped boost it enormously. And I want to take this opportunity to thank the fallowing people for making this trip so great.

Robin: Thanks for all your last minute help, and for the luggage. But I think the sweetest thing you did was when you were going to lend me your ipod, because I know how dear it is to you. You've been such a good friend to me and mom, thanks again.

Alison: You have the best bunch of kids I've ever known! Thank you for letting me be so close to you and your amazing family.

Steven: My precious little Stevie-Wevie, you bring so much joy and sunshine to my life! Thank you for all the hugs, kisses, and cuddles! I will be thinking of you on your birthday next month, and will send you a special surprise. Be a good boy, and I'll see you again soon.

Michael: What can I say that I haven't said before. You are such a class act! Thank you for making the last part of my trip a happy one. You are a total sweetheart!!!!!

MY LITTLE STEVEN

2009-04-27T06:36:00.000-07:00

Last minute prep for my trip, and although there are some parts to this trip I'm NOT looking forward to, one of the the parts that I am is going to see my little Steven. I was in a serious relationship with Steven's grandfather, (He's 15 years older than me) and although I'm still "Grandma Christy" to the rest of the kids, to Steven, I'm Mommy. He was born on June 8th, 5 days after my son's birthday, and even though my Raymond would have been two years older, he tries so hard to ease my pain in loosing him by being close to me.

Stevie, or "Wevie" as I call him will be 8 in June, and he is extremely sweet and Innocent. Everything a child should be. I've packed some gifts, and I'm practicing hard on my card tricks, and I just can't wait for my hugs and kisses!

THANK YOU

2009-04-21T23:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, I didn't know my last post would cause such reaction! But thank you all for your emails, it's nice to know this journal get read by so many of my friends. There were however several questions, and I'd like to take this time to answer them.

The first one is where did I find this short story? The answer is that I didn't find it at all, I wrote it myself.

The next one is that is the character Lilly really me, and her husband, my ex husband Buster? and the answer is no, no, no, no, NO!!!!!!

And the last one was what was I really trying to say in the story? And the answer is, I was just trying to reach people who suffer from what I call a closed heart.

Many of us do believe in God, and deep down do trust in him, but for what ever reason we have shut our hearts up tight when it comes to love. In my case I do love many people such as my mom, and my friends. And I do receive much love in return. But I can't say I have a "BEST" friend. I did have one once, her name was Karen, and just as I realised that she really was my best friend, and that she would stick by me no matter what, she was hit by a car and was killed, and I was there to see it. Many girlfriends have gotten very close to me, but as soon as I really start to trust them, they either betray me, or turn their back on me and break my heart. As far as romance goes, I have a ton of male buddies, and if their single and if I want to have a fling, I'll have one. As Clint Eastwood said in The Bridges Of Madison County "I may be a loner, but I'm not a monk!" But even that doesn't happen too often, and now that I'm in the chair, my self esteem is so low that I won't let anyone touch me.

So is there hope for the girl that refuses to let anyone in her heart? I hope so, because I hate the thought of growing into a bitter old lady. But there's not too many women who want a best friend that would rather go to a ball game than to the mall, and would rather have lunch at the ESPN Zone than a cute little french cafe. And as for men, I think that chance is even bleaker, because I love the fun loving man's man adventure type. So can you imagine a guy like that falling for someone in a wheelchair? Maybe in fairy tales they do, but not in real life. I know that sounds mean, but it's the truth. So for all you closed hearted people out there, please take a chance on love, it's worth the pain. Because you never know if something might happen to you that stops the opportunities from coming, and then you will end up alone, and that's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

AN EASTER LILLY

2009-04-20T03:34:00.000-07:00

There was once a woman who lived in a very small poor village, who was very kind, and clever, but sad and aloof. The people who knew her loved her dearly, and they had all heard of the very sad and painful life she had endured. But yet she always smiled, and went out of her way to bring joy into other people's lives.

One day she went for one of her walks by the river, and she saw this man fishing. "Hello" He said in a very sweet friendly voice. She turned and smiled at him and said, "Hello, I've never seen you here before. Are you new to the village?" The man turned to her and said, "No, I'm not new to this village, I come to visit quite often." The woman was puzzled. The village she lived in was very small, and everyone knows each other, and she had never seen this man before. But she decided to take him at his word, and as she walk passed him she said, "Well, God be with you, and have a good day." "You don't really believe that do you?" The man asked her. "What?" She replied in a somewhat shocked voice. "You don't really believe that God is with us" The man answered. The woman looked at him with anger and replied "Of course I believe God is with us! What are you saying, that I don't believe in God?" "No" the man replied with a calm soothing voice, "I'm not saying you don't believe in God, I'm just saying that you don't believe that he's with us always." At this point the woman was just about to tell this stranger off, when he walked over to her and said, "I'm sorry if I angered you, I didn't mean to do that. My name is David. What is your name?" The woman looked up at him with anger and resentment at first, but when she looked into his eyes, they seem to pierce right through her. She regained her composer, and answered, "Lilly". "That's such a beautiful name, how did you come to be called that?" David asked her. Lilly put her head down and said, "Well, my mom and dad were very very poor, and at Easter, my dad never seemed to have enough money to give my mom flowers, so he would spend hours the day before Easter to find the most beautiful Lilly he could find to give her on Easter morning. So years later when I was born on Easter morning, mom named me Lilly."

They sat there by the river talking and Lilly ended up telling David her life story, and all the pain and suffering she had endured her whole life. Then after sharing all this with him, she turned to him and said, "You know David you were right, I do have trouble believing that God is always with us. I mean I believe in God, and I know there must be a reason why I suffer, but it's hard to believe he's always with me." David reached out and took her hand and said, "Sweetheart, it's hard for you to believe that he is with you, because it's hard for you to believe that anyone, including God really loves you." Lilly sprang to her feet in anger and shouted, "That's not true, my parents loved me, and they loved each other very much!" David stood close to Lilly, looked into her eyes and asked her, "And how do you know that your dad loved your mom?" Lilly looked up at him and said, "Because mom told me that one Easter when she found her Lilly on the table, dad left her a note that read: My love, I know you've had a hard life, but I love you, and will always be with you." Lilly started to cry, and as David gave her a reassuring hug, she felt such strength and comfort in his embrace.

She walked away feeling very strange, and even embarrassed, that she had confided so much to a stranger. When she returned home she walked into her kitchen and saw a beautiful Lilly on the table with a card that read: My Child, I know you've had a hard life, but I love you, and will always be with you. Lilly cried, ran out the door all the way back to the river shouting David's name, desperately trying to find him, but he was gone.

Many years past, But because David taught her that it's okay to open up and let people into your heart, she found great joy and comfort from her friends. Then one day God sent a wonderful man into her life, and because she had learned to trust, they fell in love and she knew that she would be loved for the rest of her life. And on her wedding day as she danced with her new husband, someone tapped him on the shoulder to dance with the bride, and to Lilly's shock, it was David! Lilly cried and said, "David where have you been all these years! I looked for you, but couldn't find you! How could you do that to me, how could you leave me!" David smiled at her and said, "Sweetheart, I've been with you since the day you were born. I was there when your mother first held you, and gave you your first kiss. I was there every time someone kissed you and I was there every time someone gave you a loving embrace. But when you grew up you pushed me away, and what's worse, you stopped believing in me. Don't you see Lilly, God sends me to everyone, every day. But unless you open your heart, I can't touch you." He kissed her then started to walk away. Lilly shouted "Don't go David! When will I see you again?" David stopped turned to her and said, "You'll see me in every kiss you give or get, and in every smile that's given to you. I am the twinkle in your husband's eye, and even the wag in your puppy dog's tail. Don't ever worry about finding me, because I will always come to you, for my name isn't David child, my name is Love."

THE MIND OF CHRISTY LAWSON

2009-04-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

Just got off the phone with a friend of mine who's been deeply hurt by another friend of mine who just happens to be a male version of me. So it got me thinking that there might be more than one person out there who's frustrated, and can't figure ME out.

Well there's only one word of advise I can give when it comes to trying to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, and that is DON'T!!!!! It would be easier for you to split the adom in your bathroom sink than to try to figure me out. But for those of you who are curious, well here it goes.....

I'm very intellectual and seek the same in the company I keep. If you claim to be an "expert" on a subject that intrigues me, you better know your shit because if it intrigues me, you can bet I've read up on the subject, and I WILL call you on it. I'm an open book, and have no problems telling my friends what I'm doing or going to do, but if they start the "you shoulds" forget it, I can't be "managed". I think that's why I'm single, because I love older men, and I'm old fashioned, but as soon as they start pulling in the reins, I bolt. I'm a notorious flirt with a great eye for male beauty, but that doesn't mean I go bed hoping, and if he doesn't have a great heart and some kind of an intellect, I won't touch him with a ten foot pole! Different people bring out different sides of me, and very few can say they know the REAL me. I can never say that I'm lonely, because I have so many friends to talk to and do things with, but I bore so easily, so it's rare for me to keep doing the same things with the same set of people. Freedom and adventure are LIFE to me, and that's why being tied to this chair is killing me inside. No more biking, hiking, batting cages, camping, all the things that I need to cope with all the pain in my life. I'm a caged bird right now, and I know my friends have seen the change in me. Even though I see the world as it could be, I accept the world as it is, and try to make it a better place.

So as you can see, it's VERY hard to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, and take my word for it, you wouldn't want to! Because it wouldn't take long for you to be so confused that you wouldn't be sure if I belong in the nut house or in the White House. When the truth is I belong somewhere in between. But even though it may be hard to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, it's not hard to get into the HEART of Christy Lawson. I love people, I'm too trusting, and I get hurt very easily. And even though very few people have seen or heard me cry, believe me, my tear ducks do get a workout. I don't know why people do what they do, but maybe if we can understand them a little better, it might explain a lot. And maybe for those of you that wonder about me, (and I know you're out there because you email me all the time telling me you can't figure me out!) this blog entry may help. Oh, and to my friend who's hurt, let me say that remember, deep down he knows how difficult he is, just as I know how I am. The things we crave most in this world such as love and understanding, seem to elude us for whatever reason. Don't beat yourself up because you can't figure him out, because trust me you can't. All you can do is walk away from the friendship, as so many have done to me, or you can be like the small circle of friends that are close to me, and just forgive him and move on. You're a wonderful friend and person, and if he can't see that, or doesn't want that in his life, then he's the fool and it's HIS loss.

JUST FOR SHITS & GIGGLES

2009-04-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

George W. Bush finally dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, The Devil says to him, "we're pretty full with you guys down here, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you three rooms, you pick what you want to do for all eternity, and I'll let that person go, and you can take their place."

In the first room he saw Herbert Hoover jumping into boiling oil over, and over again. George told the Devil "I can't deal with that!" Then he looked into the second room, and saw Richard Nixon breaking rocks with a hammer, and George told the Devil, "I have a bad back, I can't deal with that!" Then he looked into the third room and saw John F. Kennedy with Marilyn Manroe hunched over a desk, being screwed up the ass by John over and over again. George then turned to the Devil and said, "I can definitely deal with that!" Then the Devil said, "Okay Marilyn, you can leave now!"

MY BIGGEST FEAR

2009-04-03T23:06:00.000-07:00

It's funny what are biggest fear might be. I have a friend who's biggest fear is spending the rest of her life alone, and one who thinks that if he comes out as a gay man he'll loose all his friends. Then there's my friend in DC who thinks if he let's his guard down, and let's someone in his heart, that they'll just shatter it to bits.

What's my biggest fear? Strangely I tell friends that it's dying without doing all the things I want, or when I start to date someone new, I use the excuse that I'm too afraid of getting hurt, so I can't let someone get too close. But the truth is my biggest fear is becoming so weak that I'll have to depend on someone to take care of me for the rest of my life. Even though I've already shed the tears about not being able to wear dress heals, go dancing, or even go to my beloved batting cages, the thought of depending on someone for help to do even the most basic needs, scares me more than anything in this world.

But tonight something happened that gave me great hope and comfort. About a month ago I was thinking of St. Theresa, and the woman I've loved and adored most of my life, Mother Theresa, and when I bought a little vial with a small little wish written inside on a grain of rice, I had the guy put a little rose inside before he sealed it. then a few weeks later someone who really didn't know me that well, but who has since become very dear to me sent me a wonderful little prayer of St Theresa. Then a few days later an old friend of mine who was in town, was having a long talk with me on the phone, and without my saying a word was telling me that he had been praying to St. Theresa, and that if I receive a rose, or I smell roses, that that is her little sign that she hears you, and that she is praying for you. Now you can say that those three things are all just a co-winky dinky, but tonight mom and I were watching TV and mom says (and again, I never told her anything) "what's that wonderful smell?" And as I put my head up, a wonderful smell of fresh roses filled the room! There were no flowers in the room, and this rat hole NEVER smells good. But I took a long intake and said thank you to St. Theresa. You can believe what you want, but I believe it was her way of reassuring me that things will be alright, and it's time for me to lay to rest my biggest fear.

MEN VS WOMEN

2009-03-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

I know this may seem like whining, but I need to vent! For those of you that are men I'd like to take this opportunity to extend my deepest sympathy. How you manage to have relationships with women, and still keep your sanity is something I just can't figure out! I've always been what you might call a girly-girl tomboy. I mean I love being a woman with dresses and heels, but I just prefer to hang out with men than women.

Women may make the world a more beautiful place, but they can make life a living hell. Oh I know you men can be pretty stupid at times, and I can't for the life of me understand how you can memorize sport stats, but you forget your wife's birthday, but for the most part you men are strait forward. You don't play mind games, and you don't back stab.

I get sick this weekend with a stroke, and I have a girlfriend of mine email the people who mean something to me to let them know, and my dearest friend in the whole world takes something in that email the wrong way, and instead of trying to get a hold of me to find out what's going on, she writes me an email saying she's hurt and that she is walking away from our friendship. That's the drama I never have to go through with my male friends. Sure there's misunderstandings sometimes, and of course those of my male friends who are married or are in a relationship I have to keep my respectful distance. But I notice I never have to WATCH WHAT I SAY, or pretend to be happy when I'm not.

Right now I'm not in a good place. I feel abandoned and so misunderstood. For those of you who are my friends please know that I love and need all of you. I can't do this alone, I can't hold my head up and say to hell with the world, I'm just not that strong. And if I ever say or do anything that hurts or upsets you, please tell me, because right now I'm trying to figure out what true friends are for.

Pete Wiggins on the Ellen DeGeneres Show

2009-03-22T07:10:00.001-07:00

OMG.....My son Lives!

HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY!

2009-03-17T15:45:00.000-07:00

Erin go bragh to all my fellow Irishmen and women, and in case you didn't know it means Ireland the beautiful, not Ireland forever. My dad said I spoke quite a bit of Gaelic as a child, and even was developing an accent! But my favorite saying is pug mo erin owan which means kiss my Irish ass!

Yes my colorful ways even extend to other languages. But it can get you in trouble sometimes. For example, If I look at my caller ID and know the person calling, and I'm in a smart ass mood, I'll answer with something like "Christy's Chicken Shack, we make chicken salad out of chicken shit". So the other day I saw that a good friend was calling so I answered "Chickin Lickin, we deliver lickin chickin, how my I lick you today?" And without a breath he answered, "I'll take the all over special!" and since I have to have the last word in a wit challenge, I answered "with or with out the erogenous zone sir?" Now you'd think I would have gotten a good laugh from that, but instead he really wants his order filled! He's tall, blonde, handsome, beefy, you know your typical dream, so I just might have to fill this one. Oh well, the luck of the Irish!

FROM OUT OF THE BLUE....

2009-03-01T22:20:00.000-08:00

Great story....Slept in this morning, and I go online in a pretty good mood, (life is always good when your not in pain, and you have a cold bottle of water and a Hershey's with almonds chocolate bar!) and then out of the blue I get a fan letter! Can you imagine that! I haven't been on stage since 1989, and I get this wonderful email from this man that used to catch the Comedy Divas first in Denver, then in Los Angeles, with his wife and sister.

For those of you that don't go that far back with me, the Comedy Divas were a group of six female stand up comedians that started out in the late 70's. The main writer for the group Molly Kelly sort of took me under her wing when I was eighteen, and I started writing for the group. They go on stage as a group and do a few skits (sort of like the Carol Burnett show) and then two or three of them would do a stand up routine. So it was Molly and I that would write the skits, and it was hard because I wasn't old enough to go into the clubs to watch it unfold on stage.

Then by the time I turned 21 in 1987, the group broke into two groups and toured the small clubs. The first group were the four members of the group that were gay, and they called themselves the Lesbian Comedy Divas, and let me tell you these women were FUNNY AS HELL!!! Then there was Molly, Karen Hardy, and I, and we had a blast touring small clubs and meeting new people.

So this guy wrote to me and he says that I was his favorite, and that he remembers how little I was, (I'm only 4'11) and that he loved how we'd come out at the end and cracked up the audience as a group.

I know many of you guys tell me over, and over again how I don't realize how many people I've touched in my life, and I guess we all don't realize that, but when someone that you don't know tells you how much joy you brought them, there's no better feeling in the world!

HOW DO YOU TURN OFF YOUR HEART?

2009-02-26T03:05:00.000-08:00

Sad sad day....The other day a very dear friend of mine called me crying because her seven month old little girl was ill, and they thought she might have cancer. I did my best to calm her down, and told her that to just wait to see what the tests reveal. Well early this morning the baby was in a semi coma, so they rushed her back to the hospital, and her brother called me and said that little Ariel had a rare form of leukemia.

All these horrible thoughts came into my mind of how this poor little baby was going to have to go through to fight for her life. Then a few hours ago, my friends brother called me to say that baby Ariel passed away around 11:20 pm est. I was shocked, devastated, I still haven't stopped crying. In fact as I write this, tears are rolling down my face.

Why? Why give a beautiful little baby to someone just to take her away? And to think that this wonderful family was praying for me to get better not so long ago, and when I told them that my tumor was shrinking, they said I have to come out to Georgia so they can throw me a party. Then this happens...Why? Something has to be done about cancer. If you look back at all the people we've lost to this monster,(I've lost my whole family to it) and all the suffering it's caused, I just wish there was something we could do to stop this killer.

I guess you could say that we all have to die, and that we can't all die old in are beds pain free. But to take a baby that wasn't even given a chance, it just seems so unfair. I'm glad I have this blog to vent, and maybe touch someone who reads it, but right now all I feel is overwhelming sadness, and even guilt. Yes guilt, guilt that my 42 year old sagging butt is still here, when there are so many sick young people who have a hell of a lot more to live for, and they don't make it.

So as I go through another sleepless night, please do me a favor and count your blessings, hug and kiss your children, and above all do what the Grass Roots say and LIVE FOR TODAY!

WHAT A WEEK!

2009-02-25T01:04:00.000-08:00

Why is it that things good or bad happen all at once? I wish we could spread it out a little, but then again I'll take any good thing no matter how much it is.

Let's see, in one week I received good news from my doctor, I heard from an old friend that I really missed, someone whom I've loved for years contacted me, and John O'Hurly called me and said that he's leaving his wife for me, (wait a minute, I'm still waiting for that one). So you can say I'm one happy camper! Woo Hoo!!!

I'M SORRY.......

2009-01-31T02:54:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry for my last post, I didn't mean to upset anyone. But I do want to thank Mike and Donna for understanding how I feel. It's not just me that's tired, it's also my poor little body that's taken almost 24 years of chemo and drugs that wants to rest as well.

I feel bad for Mike. He's such a good man, and yet I push him away. I guess it's a combination of being ill, and fear. Fear of being hurt, of letting my guard down too early, or of just being abandoned when I need him the most. One thing that most men I've dated have told me, is that they love my independent, strong, stubborn nature. Oh what fools!!!! I played them all, because deep down I'm as needy as the rest of us. The truth is I want a strong, sweet, gentle father figure type man that I can look up to. Who can guide me without bossing me around. As some of you know, I did find it once, but then he shattered my heart so badly that I'm not sure if I can ever love that way again.

Maybe that's the key to my wit. Everywhere I go I make someone laugh. I admit it's an addiction with me, but I do wonder how I do it when deep down I'm so miserable. I guess that old saying is true- INSIDE EVERY CLOWN BEATS A BROKEN HEART!

I FEEL SO LOST

2009-01-25T20:21:00.000-08:00

In the middle of the night last night I felt very close to death. I can't explain it, I just felt that way. The sad thing is that I feel sad that I DIDN'T die! I know this sounds like a poor little me speech, but it's just that life is just not worth it to me anymore.

The constant pain, living in this rat hole, and having to worry where my next meal is coming from, is just too much for me to deal with. I think Patrick Swaze said it best when he said that you just have to keep fighting unless you get too tired, and that's how I feel, I'm just too tired.

Michael Buble - 'You Don't Know Me/That's All'

2009-01-08T04:16:00.001-08:00

Sweetheart, remember when you sang "You Don't Know Me" to me all those years ago? Then I sang "That's All" to you the other day? Well the wonderful Michael Buble has put them together! So this is for you my love, and thank you for loving me so much.

FOR YOU MIKEY

2008-12-08T02:38:00.000-08:00

This entry is for my friend Mikey. It was so wonderful to get back in touch with you! You've brought back so many memories of a time in my life when the future looked so promising, and life's dark shadows hadn't blackened the sky with it's tempest, (like that? made it up myself) and we were so young and foolish. I remember when we first met back when I was just 21. Why I let you go without getting to know you better is something I never will understand. But letting you go the second time our lives crossed, is just down right stupidity!

Now Mike, my life is so different from those days of the past. I have cancer, and my body can no longer take the chemo needed. I've cut back on my treatment schedule, and that puts my life in danger. I'm in a wheelchair now, and although it does make my life easier, it still makes me feel inadequate.

Thank you for being so kind and sweet, and for making me feel young again. You're still one of the hottest looking guys I've ever met (damn you!) and I can't wait to see you in Feb. All my love handsome, you still make me weak in the knees!

LA'S PRINCE OF WEATHER

2008-11-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I met someone whom I've loved for over twenty years! His name is Fritz Coleman, and he's the weatherman for Los Angeles's NBC news. I've always wanted to meet him and tell him how much my family and I loved him, but it always seemed like we kept missing each other.

Then last year when he was doing a tree lighting at Knott's Berry Farm, my mom saw him and yelled "Hi Fritz!" he then walked over to where she was working and acted like he knew her for years. When she told him about how much I loved him, he had her get me on the phone, and he was the sweetest thing in the world to me! We kept in touch via email, but when my mom called and told me he was doing the tree lighting again at Knott's, I just had to go see Los Angeles's Prince Of Weather!

And what was my impression of him after we met? Well I think he is one of the nicest guys anyone could ever know. He knew I've been ill through emails, and he seemed genuinely concerned on how my fight was going. As most of you know, being a comic in the eighties, I've known my share of so called celebrities. And I have to admit, that I had become very cynical, and thought that most of them are so full of themselves, and even when they do charity work it's only for their image. But people like Elyse Luray, Wes Cowan, and Fritz Coleman have renewed not only my faith in celebrities, but in the human race as well.

Thank you Fritz for being kind, friendly, and funny. Thank you for all the laughs you've given my mom and I through the years. But most of all, thank you for making me feel so special, and that there are those that even though they don't know me very well, want me to beat this thing. You're not just the Prince of weather, but a King among people!

MSNBC Keith Olbermann on Prop 8, Marriage and more!

2008-11-17T12:31:00.001-08:00

Amen Keith!!!!

ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT

2008-11-12T00:37:00.000-08:00

Sitting here at Denny's having coffee, and wondering what the hell did I do with the brains that God was good enough to give me! I really don't feel sorry for myself very often, but when I do, I do it big time. When I was young, I had dreams like everyone else. I was going to be a well known comic, or at least well known enough so that I could write comedy for a living. Then once I made enough money I was going to travel the world taking pictures. Then some time in my forties I was going to write a book about my life. Well here I am 42, sitting in a stupid Denny's having coffee, and nothing to show for a life except pain and tears. I realize a great deal of it is my own fault for not getting an education, and not getting married to Mr. right when he came along, but it breaks my heart that I might die like this without leaving some sort of mark on this world. I hope all those that read this don't make the same stupid mistake I did and think that there is always time to spare. DON'T TAKE ANY DAY FOR GRANTED, GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND GO AND DO AT LEAST ONE THING THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO, BUT HAVEN'T!!!!!!!

IT'S BEEN SO LONG!

2008-10-23T05:10:00.000-07:00

Blogging from my phone....so I don't know how this will come out. Still here, still fighting to live, but at the moment, loosing the battle. It does make me wonder sometimes why I have to go through all this, but then there are those that go through so much more. Anyway I'm having trouble getting my emails on yahoo to my phone, so if you want to say hi (and I do need to hear from my friends) email me at- christylane66@aol.com or give me a ring-a-ding at- (859) 992-7572. Love to you all.

IT'S HARD WHEN YOU THINK WITH YOUR HEART

2008-08-29T23:55:00.000-07:00

You know I sometimes want to cry when I think of how people can just screw their fellow man over and still sleep at night. I mean, I've hurt people in my life, but I can say that I've never cheated someone, and I've always been fair. Yes I've done some things that I'm not proud of, but I just couldn't sleep if I knew I did wrong to someone.

I found out today that my roommate was charging me rent, and then he rented out my room behind my back. When I talked to him to find out what the heck was going on, realizing he just got caught, he told me his new roommate was a liar, and that I better pay the rent. I couldn't believe he said that and since I have my things still over there I just don't know what to do.

So here I am, better but still sick and this S. O. B. is ripping me off, and now I think I've lost my stuff. I can't believe someone would do that to me. But it's all my own fault. I thought with my heart, and now I must pay the price for my stupidity. Even when the beautiful necklace that my mom saved all year to buy me last Christmas was missing, I still didn't want to believe that my roommate could be behind it.

The things can be replaced, but some things can't like the beautiful picture of my grandparents, and the antique box I bought at Cowan's.

Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and just stay there. It's not just what happened with my roommate, it's everything. And to make matters worse is that everyone thinks I'm so strong and that I can handle all this, but it's just not true. Maybe they're are those that can pick themselves up time and time again, but I really think I've reached my breaking point. Not sure what to do now. I was looking forward to going back, but now I have no home, and not even enough money to feed myself properly. It would be nice if just one thing would go right in my life, but right now, even though I'm trying so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, all I see is darkness.

Hall and Oates - Private Eyes

2008-08-15T20:27:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry, but the Divas think this should have been the H. D. song!

KYU SAKAMOTO 1943-1985

2008-08-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

Most Americans have never heard of him, but he was the most popular Japanese singer ever. He recorded a hit song in 1963 called Sukiyaki. The Japanese title is I look up when I walk. Even though in this country he was a one hit wonder, in his country he worked hard on behalf of the old, and disabled.

23 years ago Kyu was one of 520 passengers killed on Japan's flight 123. The poor man who knew he was facing death, wrote a farewell note to his wife just before the plane went down. He was only 43, (a year older than I am) and I just can't help being moved not only by this beautiful song, but about the tragic way he left this world.

Click HERE to view a touching tribute to Mr. Sakamoto, that not only plays the song, but translates the words to English. You don't have to be into international music like I am to appreciate this beautiful love song. Thank you Kyu for adding such beauty to this world, and may you rest in peace.

MISSING KY

2008-08-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

I miss my home in KY so much. I miss having my own room, and I miss cooking in my kitchen. I miss going to downtown Cincinnati to visit the library, and to have lunch at the Cadillac Ranch. Even though we're having a beautiful mild summer out here in CA, I miss KY with it's endless green everywhere, and it's friendly people. I love being with my mom and my little Reggie, but I can't wait till fall, to go back to my bluegrass state!

Have chemo next week, but I also have my yearly eye exam, and I get my new glasses! They stole my purse two years ago, and my brand new $400 glasses went with it. So I've waited two years for my new glasses, and I'm so exited! The one thing I'm not exited about, is that I need major dental work done after my treatment. Many people don't know that chemo can rot your teeth faster that any sugar can. I have a big beautiful smile that I've been hiding because I've been avoiding the dentist like the plague. Luckily my 4 broken teeth have been on the side and in the back, but I pity the poor dentist who has to do all that work! Well bye for now, and love to you all!

4 GREAT WOMEN

2008-07-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

This entry is dedicated to 4 great women who have made such a difference in my life.

Nikki- Nikki manages a home for special needs clients, and in spite of having such a crazy schedule, she always finds time to spoil me. And yet all I do for her is offer an ear for her to vent. I can tell her anything, and I know she will never judge me. She always gives 150% of herself to anyone she loves, and for that I love her back.

Yolanda- (Dina to all who've seen my facebook profile) I call her "Mujer" which is Spanish for "Woman" Yolanda manages the motel where mom and I stay, and she is always my ray of sunshine. Always smiling, always laughing, and always sending me gifts on facbook, and chatting on Yahoo. Yolanda is my playmate, and to me she's like family. I can tell her the dirtiest of jokes, and if I stayed in CA, I'd end up at 400 lbs. with her sweets, and homemade doughnuts!

Dawne- What can I say about my Dawne-Dawne, except that she's the biggest pain in the ass that you can imagine! She drives me crazy with her ditsy brain and truck driver manners. But for whatever reason she's dumb enough to love me, and I can't help loving her back. Like I offer my ear to Nikki, Dawne is my sounding board, and my "Lady In Waiting" waiting for what, I don't know, but waiting none the less.

Elyse- To the world she's one of the four History Detectives, but to me she's one of dearest women I've known, and part of this group of four women that are so precious to me. No matter how busy she is, or how far away she is, she always finds the time to email, text, or call me. What sets her apart from most women with brains and a pretty face, is that she has a heart of gold.

All four of you have given me so much, that I can't ever begin to pay you back. You've given me the strength to face anything, yet you all make me feel safe to admit when I can't take it anymore. Now when I'm at my lowest point, once again through your love and friendship, I somehow find the courage to keep on fighting, and to kick this GD cancer out of my body. Thank God for all of you, I don't know why he blessed me with you four, but I will always thank him in my prayers. May all the blessings you've given be returned a 1,000 fold, and may we all grow old together, with laughs, smiles, and love!!!!

NOT FEELING VERY CUTE

2008-07-24T01:08:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, there's a new man in my life, (well sort of) and he actually thinks I'm cute! Now before you all start emailing me, let me just say that I'm sorry, I just don't feel that I'm attractive, I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I just do. I know to some people I maybe humorous, sweet, or even a brat, but cute? Maybe 20 years ago, but not now. Hopefully, if he's as nice as he seems to be, he'll be patient with my insecurities, and I'm sure that he knows that right now, my focus has to be on my health, for which as of right now is not going very well.

I can't handle this pain, I'm trying hard, but it's not going very well. Having chemo today, then in two weeks will be my first check up since I started my treatment. Blessings to all of you, and please keep me in your prayers.

TRUE FAITH.......

2008-07-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

A huge flood hit a small town one day. As the water flooded the streets an old man was sitting on his front steps, and a row boat went by and they shouted to the old man, "Don't worry mister, we'll rescue you!" The old man waved at them and shouted back, "No thanks the Lord will take care of me!" As the water reached his front porch, and he was forced to move up o his porch swing, anther row boat came by and again they shouted at him, "Don't worry mister, we'll rescue you!" But again he shouted back, "No thanks the Lord will take care of me!" Finally the flood was almost over his house, and the poor old man was forced to sit on his roof, and then a helicopter few by and they shouted, "Don't worry mister, we'll rescue you!" But once again the old man shouted back, "No thanks the Lord will take care of me!" Well he drowns, and when he reaches heaven he asks the Lord, "What happened, I thought you would take care of me?" The Lord responded, "I DON'T KNOW, I SENT TWO ROW BOATS, AND A HELICOPTER FOR YOU!"

I'VE SUCH MIXED FEELINGS

2008-07-18T16:13:00.000-07:00

Well I've waited a whole month just to find out that my insurance will only RENT for me a manual wheelchair, and that's all they'll do to help me get around! They don't care that I'm in so much pain that I don't have the strength to push myself around in a manual chair, but that's CA for you.

I know I should be grateful that I have friend's and my mom, and my little Reggie to pull me through all this, and I am, but give me a F****N brake here!!! How much more shit do I have to go through just to get by!!!! I've looked into those scooters, and the one that I need costs at least $1,800 dollars! Yea right, who do I make the check out to? Well that's another day in my happy world, I'd shoot myself, but I can't even afford a damn gun!!!

I HATE VISTA!!!!!!

2008-07-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

I know I shouldn't complain, but I HATE WINDOWS VISTA! My friend Dawne sold me her laptop, and at first I was very exited because it had more memory than mine(I was on the verge of buying a new memory card) it was hardly ever used, and it had the windows vista on it. Well first I found out that the software I use to do my websites can use vista, but once you use it, you have to always use it, or it messes up your web files. So now I have to start from scratch on the History Divas site, and I'm afraid to touch the Cowan Divas site till I learn what the hell I'm doing. The REAL problem is that vista is slower than two snails screwing! I'm sure on those $2,000 laptops it's just fine, but on $800 ones, your better of with windows xp!

Enough of my bitching, with the new History Detectives group on Facebook, I finally joined. I had received invites like everyone else, but I had never joined a site like that, or myspace. My time on the Internet was always limited, so I never bothered to join. But now with my illness, it's fun to interact with friends, and make new ones. Well back to working on the sites, catch you all later!

ROUND 2

2008-07-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

Round 2 of chemo starts tomorrow, and I must say I'm so not looking forward to it. Even though I've been battling this disease for many years, this is the first time I've been in pain. And not only pain, but the chemo I take has a steroid in it, so I'm putting on weight like crazy! This chemo also raises your blood sugar, rots your teeth, and makes your blood pressure go sky high. But it's the best treatment for my type of cancer, so I must endure it. Last night my pain was so bad that I cried myself to sleep. My mom had to give me a pain shot in the middle of the night, and I could see that worried look in her eyes. Other than that, life is one big bowl of cherries, with more than a few Pitts!

THANK YOU MY FRIENDS!

2008-06-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

The DR. said I was too weak to start chemo this week, so he gave me these strange new pills that are suppose to help your body tolerate chemo. Even though I'm still feeling blue, I want to thank Nikki, Molly, Wes, & Elyse for lifting my spirits. We all know that we are loved, but sometimes we need to hear that there are those that are in our corner.

In the middle of all this I'm working on my first paid web design job for the motel that my mom and I live at. If you want to watch the progress, it's at coveredwagonmotels.com! till next time, love to you all!

SO THE THE FIGHT FOR LIFE BEGINS!

2008-06-17T00:28:00.000-07:00

I start chemo today, and I must admit I'm just not in the right frame of mind for this fight. A very thick depression has come over me, and I'm not sure how to shake it. It seems like every other time I've received the news that my cancer was back , I always took a deep breath, and said, "OK, what do I have to do next?" Now it seems like I just want to curl up in my bed and wait for it all to be over. I know that's a chicken-shit attitude to have, but I'm not this strong person that everyone thinks I am. From my mom, to my best friends, to my ex husband, everyone thinks I'm this strong person that can handle anything. But it's so not true! It's true that I've had a very hard life, but just because I haven't tried to but a gun to my head, doesn't mean I can take anything.

I once thought that since I lived through the death of my grandpa and son that I could live through anything, but now I just want it all to end. Not that I want to die, but I just want the pain to end. This God damn sickness has cost me too much. From not being able to get a decent paying job, and take care of my mom, to not being able to get close to someone for the fear of them not being able to handle my illness. So how do I face tomorrow? Not sure, but I know I have to try for if no one else, my mom. I asked her if she would hate me if I didn't take the treatment, and she was very understanding and told me she would stand by me no matter what. So tomorrow it's for my mommy the one person that has always been there for me, and the only one who knows what I've been through all these 42 years. Even on my birthday last Tuesday, with all the phone calls, and email good wishes, it was my mommy who came home with a gift, a wonderful talking card, and a cute Snoopy cupcake! Mom, who is as poor as I am, NEVER forgets me on my birthday.

FUNNY HOW WE CHANGE

2008-06-02T01:37:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how we change as we get older. Take my roomie Darin, I love him dearly, but he drives me up a wall with his view of family and death. I realize that we all have our own beliefs, but his attitude is if someone you love dies, oh well, they're dead and that's it. I get upset with him, then I wake up and realize that I'm arguing with a 27 year old!!!! A 27 year old that didn't grow up with the loving family that I did, and at his age I thought I knew it all too.

My mom was smart enough not to try to argue with me, she just said that one day I'd change. "Not me, I'm NEVER going to change!" Oh Mommy how right you were!!! As my 42nd birthday approaches on the 10th, and as I go back home to face chemo once again, one thing is certain, life is the most precious gift God gives us. And when someone we love dies, it IS a big deal because that beautiful little light that God created is no longer on this earth, and will never come back. It's true when we cry for them, we're only crying for ourselves, but if we love them, how can we not cry. I think that's one of the big problems in this world, we're producing too many cold, unloving, uncaring, disrespectful young adults who are going to turn around and pass it on to their children. I used to think that it would have been better to have been born into a dysfunctional family, because then it wouldn't have hurt so much now that they're gone. Now even though it hurts like hell that they're not here to help me through this, I thank God that I had them, because otherwise I would have grown up like Darrin, and not know what REAL unconditional love is.

But the older we get the more we learn, and the more we learn the more we realize we don't know a damn thing! Life really does begin at 40, and I intend to see my 50's and 60's! And if God let's me see my 70's & 80's even better! But this little body of mine is weak and tired, and I know that I look a lot older than I am, but I'm still here, and breathing!

TRI-STATE PHTOGRAPHIC SOCIETY

2008-05-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

Next month I officially join the Tri-State Photographic Society, and will enter my first competition! I look at some of the beautiful photographs that these photographers enter, and I have to admit that I'm intimidated. Not that they make you feel that way, because all of them are extremely friendly, and helpful. But when you look at the beauty that they capture, it's hard for me to think that I could do that one day.

Many thanks to Dale, Bob, and Nancy for making me feel so welcomed, and I look froward to my first field trip next week. Now that it's stooped raining, maybe I'll be able to get some good shots this week!

PEOPLE ON THE MOVE

2008-05-09T19:05:00.000-07:00

I often wonder why people move so far away from home. My reasons were not just because it was so expensive to live in CA, but because I never really fit in with the cold plastic way of life out there. I should have been born in some small town where I could travel and see the world, and by this stage in my life, come back home to friends and family.

If I could live my dream, I would be just wealthy enough to take a few photo trips a year, and then spend the rest of the time on my beautiful ranch with horses, dogs, cats, and maybe a chicken or two! Loving and enjoying each day as it comes. A huge kitchen, a well stocked library filled with everything from the classic to modern fiction. My own studio filled with paint and clay, and of course a bedroom fit for a queen! And yeah, I have to admit, the whole thing would be nice to share with someone special. Someone who loves music, books, art, & animals as much as I do. Someone who sees past the walker, and the grey hair, and loves me just the way I am. Nice dream, and I do realize it's just a dream, but you never know, sometimes dreams do come true.

Lazy Sunday

2008-04-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

Another lazy Sunday, but it feels so good to be happy in my new home. The only thing I really miss are my books!!! Thank God I was able to store all my music on my lap top, but I really do miss reading. I adore history and biographies, but I'm also a fan of fiction too! An old English teacher loved what I wrote when we were asked to write about what kind of books we love to read, I wrote- As much as I'm intrigued by what has been, and what is, I find what could be just as fascinating.

MY NEW HOME!

2008-04-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

Well It's been a little bit over two weeks in my new home in KY, and I love it! I love the peace and quiet, and not having to have a TV on all the time. I do miss my mom and my little Reggie, but I'm glad I left Reggie behind to keep mom company.

Another thing I've lost, and that is my Mike. I guess peace and freedom has it's price. But I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want the best for me, and that's the truth. I'd rather be alone for the right reasons, than to be with someone for the wrong. But I know deep down that if it's God's will, I'll find my sweet prince someday, and when I find him he'll want to share my life, not rule it.

Tomorrow I go to my new church, Blessed Sacrament in Fort Mitchell. My roomie's mom will take me in the morning, and then I'll walk home. The walk home goes through this beautiful old residential neighborhood, and now that Spring is here, I can't wait to take that walk. I'm so happy here that sometimes I wonder if I'm really here or will I wake up and be back in that hell hole in Anaheim!

The Clock Is Ticking!

2008-03-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

In one week I'll be moving to KY, and I can't wait! There of course will be so much that I will miss, but this will be the first time I do something just for me. Not for my mom, not for that dumb ass ex husband of mine, but just for me.

I will miss my mom, my dog, and my girlfriends. There is also a wonderful new man in my life, that I hope really loves me as he says he does. But I have to do this for me, and for my health. As I told one of my friends the other day, if I were to stay here and not change some things in my life, I won't be here for long. God still may call me home soon, but at least if he does, I will go home happy.

Jeff Healey 1966-2008

2008-03-03T14:31:00.001-08:00

Yesterday the music world lost one of it's great jazz musicians, Jeff Healey. He was such a part of my youth, it's so hard to think of him as gone. Cancer robbed him of his sight at the age of one, and he taught himself how to play guitar by placing it on his lap.

Only three months older than I, and having battled cancer for so many years, I can't help but take this loss personal. As many of you know I'm in the middle of changing so many things in my life, now I'm more determined than ever to live life to the fullest!

Jeff, I fell in love with you and your music twenty years ago. When you sang "Angel Eyes" it touch my heart so deeply. Rock on in heaven, and as you sing for the angel's, somewhere here on earth, someone will be listening to your music and will be smiling! GOD BLESS YOU JEFF!

A Sweet Love Story

2008-02-22T23:30:00.000-08:00

There are two people I know and care very deeply for, but because others are going to read this, let's just call them John and Jane. Now these two are not perfect by no means, but in my opinion, they're perfect for each other! John is a sweet guy, but a workaholic. Jane is a recovering workaholic, so she understands him. If there was a way to harness the energy of the sparks between these two, it could light up half the country!

Recently they had a misunderstanding, and for whatever reason, John has pulled back in fear. Jane wrote this sweet loving letter to him, but because she doesn't want to scare him further, I agreed to post it here. John if you read this, remember that it was written from the heart of someone that loves you very, very much. DON'T BLOW THIS CHANCE!!!

My Dearest John,

I don't know who hurt you so bad that you felt you had to run and hide from me, but did you ever think that I might be scared too? Did you ever think that you might be pushing away the one thing that you've been longing for your whole life?

We all long to be loved and accepted; but for some reason we seem to either look in the wrong place, or we give up all together. I'm no prize, but I can love you like you've never been loved before. If there was a way you could look into this heart of mine and see how much love there is inside just waiting for you to turn the key, it would blow your mind away.

Why do I love you like I do? Because you are the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on! I'm not talking about what's on the outside, (though your pretty damn beautiful there too!) but ever since that first day when I looked into those beautiful eyes, and saw that soul of yours, I thought, "what a beautiful man this is!" Then on that incredible day that you looked into my soul, that was it! I was hooked!

John, how many times in this crazy mixed up world do two people really look at each other? Don't you see what a mistake it would be to push this away? But if you feel that you just can't take a chance, or if you just don't feel that way about me, as much as it will kill me inside, I'll understand. But if it's simply that you're afraid that I'll break your heart, let me assure you that I would never do that. I'll admit that I've said and done some stupid things; after all I am human. But I can go to sleep at night knowing I've never broken any one's heart. Though sadly mine has been raked over the coals more than once, so believe me I've been there.

So I guess there's not much more I can say accept, I love you. Yes John, I love you. You mean my whole life to me, and don't think for one minute that I've ever said that to anyone before you, because I haven't. You carry my heart in your pocket, and yes, I'm a little scared that I gave it to you, but I don't regret it. When I think of how sweet and wonderful we could be to each other, I shake inside! Don't even get me started on how great our sex would be, because trust me, we could fly! We have so much waiting for us, Baby please give us a try. let me love you like you deserve to be loved, and let us show the world that true love not only exists, but it could happen to anyone who believes, and takes a chance!

Your Jane

Life Can Be A Bitch Somtimes

2008-02-22T22:14:00.000-08:00

I know I promised to be positive, and I'm trying, but sometimes just when things seem to be alright, that's when life bites you right in the ass! I mean I survived the big V-Day by going out with friends, and sending some Valentines to people I really do care about, then I get a phone call from my doctor with bad news about my heart, I find out my friend's husband is battling cancer, and if all that weren't enough I get an email from my friends superior at his work telling me things that my friend should have told me himself! All in the same fucking day!!!!!

I mean all of these things I can handle, but when it happens in the same day, it just seems overwhelming. It's days like that when you wonder why? Why me? Why now? Why all the fuck at once? I realize I should feel grateful that I'm not starving in some third world country, but shit, give me a break!

I guess the hardest thing is having to face all this alone. I know I'm not really alone, because I do have my mom and my friends, but I just haven't found that special someone that I can not only turn to in times of trouble, but that I can admire. I remember my husband telling his friend that living with me was the easiest thing he ever had to do in his life, and that he never met a more loving and giving person than me. At first it felt good to hear some loving praise, but I do remember thinking to myself, "of course it's easy for you, you go to work wearing the clothes I cleaned and ironed for you, you eat the lunch I made for you, you come home to a wonderful dinner I cooked for you, and over dinner we hear all about your hard day. Then after I wash the dishes, I get the joy of watching your stupid T. V. shows with you, and then to the bedroom, where after I please the hell out of you, I get to watch you roll over and go to sleep!" Yes, that was my married life in a nutshell. But the blame was all mine. It never crossed my mind that marriage should be a give and take. That all those times when I had a bad day, and all I needed was a loving hug from him as I cooked his dinner, wasn't a lot to ask.

I'm writing all this because maybe there's someone out there reading this that knows exactly how I felt. But at least I didn't die in that hell hole of a marriage, and even though I know in my heart that I will never marry again, it would be nice to have someone to at least pretend to care about what kind of a day I had!

Hello My Friends

2008-02-10T16:18:00.000-08:00

Look, look, look to the rainbow. Fallow it over the hill, and stream.... Look, look, look to the rainbow. Fallow the fellow, who fallows a dream.

My father always sung that song to me. And to this day, I really do think of those words when I'm down. You know there's all sorts of blogs out there. From political forums, to what I call "Bitch about life" ones. But I want mine to be a little different. I'd like mine to be funny, happy, and maybe a little mushy sometimes. I don't know about you, but life is just too short, and too cold to do a blog about what kind of a crappy day one's had, unless you're telling the story to make it funny in the end.

As far as the song goes, I think I'm heading into the last verse...... SO I BUNDLED ME HEART, AND I ROAMED THE WORLD FREE, TO THE EAST WITH THE LARCK, TO THE WEST WITH THE SEA. AND I SEARCHED ALL THE EARTH, AND I SCANNED ALL THE SKY, BUT I FOUND IT AT LAST, IN MY OWN TRUE LOVES EYES. I'm bundling up my heart and moving out of state next month, "TO THE EAST WITH THE LARK" and "TO THE WEST WITH THE SEA" will come this fall, when I return to CA to pick up my mom. As far as the line"AND I FOUND IT AT LAST....." I have found my own true love, and hopefully, that person, (me) will forgive me for neglecting her for the past 40 years.

So I hope you my friends like my blog, I'll try to make it as uplifting as possible, but forgive me if I put a little sentiment in every now and then

Christy