MY ANNIE (2/14/32-4/22/94)

It's been 16 years since I lost my Annie to breast cancer. Of all the women I've known and loved, she was the one I was closest to. The older I get, the more I look like her! She was a hard woman to get close to, but I was one of the joys of her life.

Born on Valentine's day 1932, she was named after her oldest sister who had died as a baby, Anita. Even as a child she was hard to control because of her temper, and disobedient nature. I remember hearing stories about how my grandpa would throw tools at her, and how that made her become a good dodger. She was 34 when I was born, and I became her baby. I lived with her, my mom, and grandparents in a tough east Los Angeles neighborhood. Annie was a gang member when she was young and had a few small tattoos. Anything to shock and piss off my grandparents. When I was a teenager, I told her I wanted to get a small Betty Boop tat, and she told me if I came home with one she'd kick my ass! Later in my twenties, I told her the same thing and she just said that I was a woman now, and could do whatever I wanted, but said it would be for life, and it didn't look good on a lady, and that that was what I was. I'm glad she talked me out of it.

I've never loved any woman as much as I loved Annie. Not even my mom is as close to me as Annie was. When I was a little girl, she tried to get me to call her Auntie, or Nina (because she was my Godmother) but I kept saying "No you are my Annie" and in later years I would say "My Annie, My Annie" and she would reply "My Baby, My Baby". She was the one that got me trough my grandpa's death, and when my best friend Karen was killed, it was her arms I ran to to cry my eyes out. When my cancer relapsed and I was lying in bed in pain, she'd come into my room and stayed up till 2am rubbing my back until I feel asleep, and she had to be up by 6 to go to work!

On the night she passed away, she was drifting in and out of a coma, and then I touched her hand and said "My Annie, My Annie" and for one brief moment she came to and looked at me. But when she slipped back into a coma, my mom and boyfriend had to take me out of the room because I was hysterical with grief. I couldn't be in the room when she flat lined, my poor mom had to go through that alone. For a few years I was very angry with her for leaving me, for never going to the doctor, for just giving up and letting the cancer kill her. Then one day I was reading in my bed, and I got this overwhelming feeling she was next to me. She needed me to forgive her, and she was trying to tell me that she will always be with me, no matter where I go.

I started to cry, and said "My Annie, My Annie" and I swear I heard her say "My Baby, My Baby" and from that moment on, I never felt alone again.

GOD'S GREATEST GIFT

For those of you who don't believe in God, don't even bother reading this post. But for those of you who do, what do you think is his greatest gift to us? I think it's love. It's something we all long for, and for some of us, it's very hard to give. I'm a very fortunate woman because I've never been completely without it. As I lie here in pain, I can't help but look back on my life and ponder why I've done the things I've done, and why I chose the paths I chose. Do I have regrets? Of coarse I do, but I can't beat myself up on my stupid mistakes, because that's how we learn and grow. And I am proud of myself for never making the same mistake twice, as so many of us do.

But it's so amazing how such a simple yet powerful thing as love can make such a difference in someones life. Now for those of you who are my friends, please read this very carefully because this is not easy for me to write, yet it must be let out of me. I am a stubborn, filthy minded, foul mouth smart ass. I spent the first 33 years of my life thinking that there was nothing in this world better than music, sex, and baseball. I never wanted to hurt or offend anyone, but if they were, that was their problem. Took so much for granted, it wasn't funny, and NO one felt more contempt for this world than I did. We're not talking chip on on my shoulder, we're talking BRICK!

But the truth is my friends is that I NEED all of you. I need your love, your prayers, your hugs and kisses, and yes a kick in ass at times. I don't need your pity or for you to try to "cure" me, or "fix" my life. I'll try not to push you away, but if I do, please be understanding and tolerant. And ladies, there are two men in my life that are mirror images of me, and like me do stupid "what the fuck were you thinking" stuff. I'm not making excuses for them, and you have every right to be hurt and angry with them. But try to keep in mind that one of them is simply young and immature, and the other one simply has never been loved for just himself. They're both good men, that like me need a very very loving, understanding partner. I do believe that love truly is the greatest gift God ever gave us, but we are the ones who have to learn how to give and receive it.

AH THE JOYS OF CHEMO

There are a few things I really enjoy in life. I love a Pepsi with hot buttered popcorn while watching a good movie, a cold beer and peanuts while watching a baseball game, a glass of red wine with a great big ribeye steak, and a nice hot cup of coffee with my breakfast. And now thanks to chemo, I can't have ANY of that stuff. It all makes me sick, and what's worse it makes the food I can eat taste like rubber bands! I don't want to whine like a baby, but when you can't enjoy the little things in life, what's the point.

I do realise it's how you look at things, and that it's only temporary, but I've been going through this shit on and off for 25 years, and I'm tired. Right now I'm in bed in pain, and too weak to do anything but be on this stupid computer. Not that I want to give up, but I'd rather have a few months of feeling good and able to enjoy things, than a few years of living like this. Even my mom who loves more than anyone else can, told me that if I chose not to do the chemo, she would support my decision, because she thinks I've been through enough.

So what do I do? Stick it out and be miserable, or stop this torture of my body and try to enjoy my life while I can. Unfortunately it's not that simple. Life is never black or white. But I tell you, if I had the money I would make sure my mom and Reggie had a decent place to live, and then I would stop the chemo and spend the rest of whatever time I had traveling, taking pictures, and EATING!!!!!

OPEN YOUR HEART

Sorry for that last post, but just like life itself, this blog can't be all sunshine and roses. In this post I'd like to speak to those of you who are like I used to be not so long ago. As many of you know the first 16 years of my life we're wonderful and happy. But from that moment to about the time I turned 37 I would say I lived life with what you would call a closed heart. I was not the open book that I am now. I was kind, friendly, but I couldn't let anyone completely in my heart, not even my husband. Yes I saved myself from a great deal of pain, but I also deprived myself of great joy as well.

So for those of you who go through life with thick walls around your heart, please do what you can to lower those walls, or prepare yourself for a very lonely life. Who am I to talk about walls around a heart? What do I know about such things? Well believe me, you're looking at someone who didn't just have walls around her heart, we're talking forts! I was a sort of Pollyanna to everyone. Always there for people always tried to help where I could, but when it came to my own problems or difficulties in life I pushed everyone away, and thought I could handle it all on my own. I always had that "I don't want people to know about my health problems." Or that "I don't want to talk about it" attitude. I've even been criticized by some of my friends about this blog and about writing my feelings down.

The truth is that I was calm and cool on the outside, and screaming on the inside. If you go around like that, you will explode at some point, and chances are it will be over something small, and you'll end up making a fool of yourself. It took me years to learn that by opening up, and letting people see my vulnerable side, I not only help myself, but others as well. Sometime last year I was very down and wrote a very sad and depressing post. At first I thought gee, maybe that wasn't such a good idea to expose my feelings like that, then I received an email form a friend of mine who receives these posts to her email, and she had forward it to her brother who was suffering from severe depression, and after reading it, he went for help. So please, it doesn't matter who you are, or what you're going through, open up and let those around you in. It won't be easy, believe me I know it won't, but it will be worth it I promise you.

Now if you want to see a great example of opening up to love and life, there is a wonderful movie called Shadowlands. This movie sort of changed my life so to speak. It's the true story about the later years of author C. S. Lewis. Click Here to watch it in parts on YouTube. It's about a man in his 50's who after his mom's death when he was a child, spent the rest of his life with a closed heart. He even had the nerve to lecture about faith, God,and love, for which he knew nothing about. Then he meets this divorced mom and she sees right through him, and changes his life. He falls in love for the first time in his life, only to loose her to cancer in the end. But between the time he falls in love with her and marries her even though he knows she's dieing, up until her death, he experiences a joy and happiness that he has never known. And at the very end he asks the question "Why love, if loosing hurts so much?" he then answers himself with "The pain now, was part of the happiness then....That's the deal." You can choose safety, or you can choose pain. But I think I'd rather take the risk of pain to be able to feel the joy.....even if it's just for a little while. That's the deal!