NOT THAT STRONG

Sitting here with my hot chocolate, watching old movies and wondering where am I going to find the strength to smile next weekend. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that the people that are the closest to me think that I'm so strong. It's true that I've been through tremendous pain and suffering in my life, but I'm NOT that strong. It's just that I was brought up in a strict Catholic, loving, giving family that taught me to think of others before my own needs. But cancer is a very lonely and hard disease to fight, and only those who have been there can know what I mean.

I think for me the hardiest thing right now is trying to find the will to fight for my life. I keep thinking of my family that's in Heaven, and how much I miss them. Ever since I was 16 and took over as head of the family, I've had to put my family's needs above my own. Well now 25 years after my first battle with cancer I just want to climb the tallest mountain and shout to God ENOUGH!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WHAT THE HELL MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!

Had a dream a few nights ago and in the dream I saw my grandpa. Big tall and strong and I ran to him like I did when I was a little girl. I sat on his lap, and he told me not to be afraid, and that he was here for me. Believe it or not I can take being ill, poor, and can even take being in this chair, but I can't be the strong one anymore, the one that people run to with their problems. Oh what I'd give to have one more hug from that strong wonderful man. But then again if I was ever granted that wish, how would I find the strength to say good bye like I had to when we buried him. I hope wherever he is he's not disappointed in my weakness, and that he's praying for me to find the strength I need to pull me through these dark days.