KISS MY IRISH ASS!

I apologise in advance for this post, and if you get offended easily please don't read anymore of this entry. I'm sick and tired of you people in my life who think the world revolves around you, and that it owes you something. We all have to work hard to get anywhere in this life, and no one owes you a God damn thing! If someone does or is willing to do something for you, it doesn't matter what the end result is, just be grateful that they are willing to do it for you in the first place. I'm not going to mention names here because I don't want to embarrass anyone but you know who you are without my telling you.

There are two of you in particular that I'm very upset with, and this bitching post is directed at you. I realise that we're all human and we blow up at each other, but grow some balls and admit what you did, and say you're sorry! Or pardon my french, and get the fuck out of my life because I don't have the energy or the temperament anymore to put up with your selfish childish ways. I have friends who are fighting cancer, are loosing their homes, have loved ones in the hospital, and one who just lost his son in a car crash, and yet none of them has ever given me the amount of shit that you two have lately. I even have someone in my life who does fly off the handle sometimes because he's going through a lot in his life right now, but at least he's man enough to say he's sorry for treating me that way.

So you two, grow up or get out of my life. I do care for both of you very much, but you don't seem to realise that I've got troubles of my own, and don't need this crap. And by the way you're NOT all that, and you need to eat a few pieces of humble pie, and get over yourselves. I think that's your biggest problem is that you think you're all that and a bag of chips! It turns people off when you brag about yourself, unless they ask first. You guys have this attitude of "Look at me everybody! I've done this, and I'm so great at that! blah blah blah" When you should be saying "Hey here I am, just as confused as you, how can I help you achieve a better life? And can you help me too?" We're all in this life together, and we should help each other. I'm sorry I have to be so mean, but you both have hurt me so, and you don't even care that you hurt me. But it's not all your fault because I let you get away with it, and I said nothing. I put my head down and walked away instead of sticking up for myself. But I did it because I do care about you, and I just was so down I couldn't fight back. But I give you warning that from now on I will no longer take it anymore, and even though I am very grateful for what you've done for me, the gloves are coming off. I don't want to loose you guys, but I have to protect, love and take care of my best friend (me) or no one else will.

There is nothing like watching a disaster movie when you're depressed! But this song is very uplifting.

ME IN THE KITCHEN

Went to my friend David's and was able to make dinner for the his whole family. I miss being in the kitchen, and my Beef Wellington came out perfect! David and his wife have been through so much this past year, but Shelly is getting better, and was even able to eat a healthy portion. I made a Brown Betty for desert, and my famous banana nut bread.

I once asked my husband why he loved me so much since he was a musician, and very handsome, and could have any woman he wanted. He turned to me and said "Baby, no one can cook like you, and from the moment I looked into your eyes and tasted your Beef Wellington, I was in love!" Ya I know sounds perverted, but that was the sweet talker he was. Baked a little extra bread for mom, and I just hope I can get us out of the rat hole one day and into a decent place where I can cook and bake again.

NOT THAT STRONG

Sitting here with my hot chocolate, watching old movies and wondering where am I going to find the strength to smile next weekend. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that the people that are the closest to me think that I'm so strong. It's true that I've been through tremendous pain and suffering in my life, but I'm NOT that strong. It's just that I was brought up in a strict Catholic, loving, giving family that taught me to think of others before my own needs. But cancer is a very lonely and hard disease to fight, and only those who have been there can know what I mean.

I think for me the hardiest thing right now is trying to find the will to fight for my life. I keep thinking of my family that's in Heaven, and how much I miss them. Ever since I was 16 and took over as head of the family, I've had to put my family's needs above my own. Well now 25 years after my first battle with cancer I just want to climb the tallest mountain and shout to God ENOUGH!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WHAT THE HELL MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!

Had a dream a few nights ago and in the dream I saw my grandpa. Big tall and strong and I ran to him like I did when I was a little girl. I sat on his lap, and he told me not to be afraid, and that he was here for me. Believe it or not I can take being ill, poor, and can even take being in this chair, but I can't be the strong one anymore, the one that people run to with their problems. Oh what I'd give to have one more hug from that strong wonderful man. But then again if I was ever granted that wish, how would I find the strength to say good bye like I had to when we buried him. I hope wherever he is he's not disappointed in my weakness, and that he's praying for me to find the strength I need to pull me through these dark days.

YOU HELD MY HAND

When the storm clouds of life rained down on me-

You held my hand.

When the coldness of mankind turned it's back on me-

You held my hand.

As I struggled to climb the mountain-

You held my hand.

And on those rare days when the sun shined trough the trees-

You held my hand.

So as the pain of life shifts from me to you-

If you truly love me, let me hold your hand too!

MY FAV SONGS OF ALL TIME

Ask anyone who knows me well, and they'll tell you how much music means to me. Even married a professional musician just because I thought he would understand this deep love.
My idea of Heaven on earth is to go to a concert, or watch a good live band. Even going to a baseball game can't hold a candle to going to a concert to me. I really love all kinds of music from classical to 1989, but 70's rock and jazz would have to be my favs. But there are five songs that are my all time favs, and I don't care what mood I'm in, I will always feel better when I hear one of them. Here they are in order, and if you don't know them, just click on the title and have a listen.

1. BRING IT ON HOME TO ME Sam Cooke

2. AT LAST Etta James

3. BROKEN HEARTED MELODY Sarah Vaughn

4. WHAT A FOOL BELIVES Doobie Brothers

5. YOU'RE THE FIRST, MY LAST, MY EVERYTHING Barry White