THE BEATLES

When I was little I listened to all the great oldies from the 50's because that was my mom's music era. Then I would listen to my aunt Sally's big band music from the 40's then my aunt Annie's rhythm and blues from the 50's. Then as I took up the violin, I of coarse studied the classics. Even when I first studied voice, I only learned pop standards from the 40's and 50's. Then one day when I was about 12 or 13, my voice teacher had me listen to the Beatles to study their harmony techniques, and WOW, from then on I was hooked!!!!! I bought every album they ever did and I would hear them over and over again.

Then in Dec. 1980 when I was just 14, John Lennon was murdered, and I was devastated. I knew that the hope of my ever seeing the Beatles live in concert was over. I've never been a big fan of any one group because I love so many different types of music, but if I had to pick a group whose music I love the most, and that touches me so deeply, it would have to be the Fab Four.
I think since I stumbled on to them in my teen years when I was going through so much, could be why I love them so.

My all time favorite song would be IN MY LIFE. I will always think of my high school sweetheart when I hear that one. The other song that has such a profound effect on me is the beautiful HEY JUDE. Anyone who has ever been fearful of being in love will relate to that tune. As with any kind of art form, it's all a matter of personal taste. I mean so many people love The Rolling Stones, and I CAN'T STAND THEM!!! But I respect them as a great group, and what they have contributed to Rock'n Roll. But to me, The Beatles not only made history, their music seemed to hit every mood. Whether you're happy, sad, in love, afraid, stoned out of your mind, or just plain empty inside, there is a Beatle song for that mood!

I want to thank the wonderful guys Of BeatleMania Live for putting on such a great show and giving Beatle fanatics like me such joy. And many many thanks to Peter George (John Lennon)for not only performing so great, but for being such a good friend to me!

BEATLE MANIA!

I had a blast this weekend seeing Beatle Mainia live! I went on Sat. with a friend and was blown away with these guys. Peter George who played John Lennon was a total doll! Anyway I called my friend Lisa and asked her if she wanted to see them tonight, and I went and got us front row places. Then our friend Jim joined us for the second set, and we all had a great time. But the best part was after the show at the meet and greet. While I was in line Lisa took the picture of Peter (John) but when it came to getting close to the table, my chair wouldn't fit! So Lisa went through the rest of the way for me, and got my autograph picture. Then we told the tec that I couldn't get to the guys, the tec told Peter, and Peter told the guys to come take a picture, and they all came out from behind the table and the barricade to take this great picture with me! Needless to say I felt so special and I was able to shake all their hands and tell them how great they were.

Took some great video of the show, and they will be back in two weeks and I'll take some more. I will post the videos on my next post. But for right now I just want to thank the guys of Beatle Mania Live for the great show, and for taking a few moments to be so kind to me. I hope all of you had a great weekend, this sure was a great one for me!

MUSIC I USEED TO DANCE TO

Among the many things I miss is being able to go dancing. Other than rap crap, I love all sorts of music. From Mozart to Def Leopard, and everything in between! But when I used to go dancing it would have to be to big band swing, or sexy jazz. The last time I went dancing, it was to this great version of "IN THE MOOD" by Brian Setzer, and "ZOOT SUIT RIOT" by The Cherry Poppin Daddies. But for slow dancing, you can't beat "I SEE YOUR FACE BEFORE ME" by the late great Johnny Hartman. Click the titles if you want to listen to these great songs, enjoy!

TRYING TO FEEL BETTER

It can be so hard to eat right and take care of one's self, but unfortunately the good Lord only gives us one body in this life, and if we don't take care of it, we just can't go buy another one! Even though I've been fighting cancer on and off for many years, at least I was able to take care of my body while I was well. But for the past nine years, as my ability to do things decreased, so did my activity level. As anyone who has lifted weights can tell you, first you build strength, then endurance, not the other way around. I'm taking a break from chemo, and I'm gonna try to build strength. The truth is that if I go right back into chemo, I might not be able to survive. All my organs are very weak right now, so I must try to get strong again. God may have made me a little thing, but I was always very very strong.

So for right now it looks like a low calorie, high protein diet for this little munchkin. And also no sugar (oh shit!!!) but I'm not giving up my honey roasted almonds, sorry I gotta draw the line somewhere! As far as caffeine, that will be the really hard one, but I will do it slowly. At least I will still be able to have a beer or some red wine a few times a week, a little alcohol is actually good for the kidneys when you're in a wheelchair. Well I guess that's it for now, except to say that I feel like a tired little girl looking up at a huge mountain in front of me that I have to climb all alone.

MY FRIENDS

Friends can be the biggest blessing, and sometimes a true pain in the ass! In the past two weeks I've had friends need me desperately, step up to the plate and be there for me, hurt me so badly that it felt like they ripped my heart out of my chest, and one that informed me that although we've shared some very personal stuff with each other, that I'm nothing more than an acquaintance! Of course all this doesn't sit well with me, and in many ways I'm very angry, but people are human and sometimes we can't help but get rapped up in our own lives that we just don't realize how we hurt one another.

To my friends that have been there for me (and you know who you are) I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope I've never taken you for granted, and that I've told you how much you've meant to me. My health is still very bad, and who knows if I will pull through. If you've been praying for me to get well, I thank you, but please pray for me to find a way to make the most of what time I have, and to be able to live life to the fullest. It doesn't really matter if God gives me one year more or forty, if I don't make the most of it, I might as well be dead. I want to spend my days loving and being close to all of you. To help you if I can, and to make you laugh and smile.

For those of you who have hurt me, a part of me wants to tell you that you're selfish assholes, and I hope you you get smacked in the face like you did to me, but being mad at you won't change anything. We all live our lives the best we can, and there are people in my life that more than make up for your lack of compassion. But I believe in Karma, and in many ways I feel sorry for you because life will bite you in the ass one day. I don't care what ANY of you say, we all have problems, we all have issues. And it's up to all of us to help and be there for each other. It doesn't take much to bring a little sunshine into a life, and it doesn't cost anything to listen to someone even if there's nothing you can do. Don't say "I don't have time, or I have my own problems". Can you imagine if we all thought like that? If being busy or having our own problems was an excuse, nobody would be there for anyone. I know some of you don't believe in God, but I hope you believe in love. So please take a moment to spared a little love, and help someone feel a little better. It's so addicting, and will make your day, trust me. For those of you who do believe in God, what better way to show your love for him than to love and help each other. Trust me I'm not guiltless on this subject, I spent many years concerned with only my own problems, and I payed for it in the end when my marriage went bad, and I was ill, and homeless and I had no one that really cared. No one cared, because I didn't care about anyone or their problems, and Karma caught up with me!

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

Hey Everyone! Been busy with treatments, and trying to get my Bucket List project going. Not much else new going on except I did get a new Sony Vaio laptop! It's not as great as the one I bought last year for my birthday, but then that was a 1,400 one, and this one is a 1,100. Last November I bought an Acer laptop on Black Thursday because I needed one for my business that had Windows 7, so when this one became available for the same monthly payment, I sold the Acer and got this one. I mean who wouldn't get a Lexus for the price of a Ford? My personal laptop (the other Vaio) is more of a Mercedes.

Going to Vegas for my birthday, OMG I'm going to be 44! I need to get away so badly. I usually travel every Spring and Fall but money has been so tight since I haven't pitched any new clients, that I was preparing to not go anywhere this Spring. If anyone wants to meet up with me and my friends, we'll be there June 9-11.

MY ANNIE (2/14/32-4/22/94)

It's been 16 years since I lost my Annie to breast cancer. Of all the women I've known and loved, she was the one I was closest to. The older I get, the more I look like her! She was a hard woman to get close to, but I was one of the joys of her life.

Born on Valentine's day 1932, she was named after her oldest sister who had died as a baby, Anita. Even as a child she was hard to control because of her temper, and disobedient nature. I remember hearing stories about how my grandpa would throw tools at her, and how that made her become a good dodger. She was 34 when I was born, and I became her baby. I lived with her, my mom, and grandparents in a tough east Los Angeles neighborhood. Annie was a gang member when she was young and had a few small tattoos. Anything to shock and piss off my grandparents. When I was a teenager, I told her I wanted to get a small Betty Boop tat, and she told me if I came home with one she'd kick my ass! Later in my twenties, I told her the same thing and she just said that I was a woman now, and could do whatever I wanted, but said it would be for life, and it didn't look good on a lady, and that that was what I was. I'm glad she talked me out of it.

I've never loved any woman as much as I loved Annie. Not even my mom is as close to me as Annie was. When I was a little girl, she tried to get me to call her Auntie, or Nina (because she was my Godmother) but I kept saying "No you are my Annie" and in later years I would say "My Annie, My Annie" and she would reply "My Baby, My Baby". She was the one that got me trough my grandpa's death, and when my best friend Karen was killed, it was her arms I ran to to cry my eyes out. When my cancer relapsed and I was lying in bed in pain, she'd come into my room and stayed up till 2am rubbing my back until I feel asleep, and she had to be up by 6 to go to work!

On the night she passed away, she was drifting in and out of a coma, and then I touched her hand and said "My Annie, My Annie" and for one brief moment she came to and looked at me. But when she slipped back into a coma, my mom and boyfriend had to take me out of the room because I was hysterical with grief. I couldn't be in the room when she flat lined, my poor mom had to go through that alone. For a few years I was very angry with her for leaving me, for never going to the doctor, for just giving up and letting the cancer kill her. Then one day I was reading in my bed, and I got this overwhelming feeling she was next to me. She needed me to forgive her, and she was trying to tell me that she will always be with me, no matter where I go.

I started to cry, and said "My Annie, My Annie" and I swear I heard her say "My Baby, My Baby" and from that moment on, I never felt alone again.

GOD'S GREATEST GIFT

For those of you who don't believe in God, don't even bother reading this post. But for those of you who do, what do you think is his greatest gift to us? I think it's love. It's something we all long for, and for some of us, it's very hard to give. I'm a very fortunate woman because I've never been completely without it. As I lie here in pain, I can't help but look back on my life and ponder why I've done the things I've done, and why I chose the paths I chose. Do I have regrets? Of coarse I do, but I can't beat myself up on my stupid mistakes, because that's how we learn and grow. And I am proud of myself for never making the same mistake twice, as so many of us do.

But it's so amazing how such a simple yet powerful thing as love can make such a difference in someones life. Now for those of you who are my friends, please read this very carefully because this is not easy for me to write, yet it must be let out of me. I am a stubborn, filthy minded, foul mouth smart ass. I spent the first 33 years of my life thinking that there was nothing in this world better than music, sex, and baseball. I never wanted to hurt or offend anyone, but if they were, that was their problem. Took so much for granted, it wasn't funny, and NO one felt more contempt for this world than I did. We're not talking chip on on my shoulder, we're talking BRICK!

But the truth is my friends is that I NEED all of you. I need your love, your prayers, your hugs and kisses, and yes a kick in ass at times. I don't need your pity or for you to try to "cure" me, or "fix" my life. I'll try not to push you away, but if I do, please be understanding and tolerant. And ladies, there are two men in my life that are mirror images of me, and like me do stupid "what the fuck were you thinking" stuff. I'm not making excuses for them, and you have every right to be hurt and angry with them. But try to keep in mind that one of them is simply young and immature, and the other one simply has never been loved for just himself. They're both good men, that like me need a very very loving, understanding partner. I do believe that love truly is the greatest gift God ever gave us, but we are the ones who have to learn how to give and receive it.

AH THE JOYS OF CHEMO

There are a few things I really enjoy in life. I love a Pepsi with hot buttered popcorn while watching a good movie, a cold beer and peanuts while watching a baseball game, a glass of red wine with a great big ribeye steak, and a nice hot cup of coffee with my breakfast. And now thanks to chemo, I can't have ANY of that stuff. It all makes me sick, and what's worse it makes the food I can eat taste like rubber bands! I don't want to whine like a baby, but when you can't enjoy the little things in life, what's the point.

I do realise it's how you look at things, and that it's only temporary, but I've been going through this shit on and off for 25 years, and I'm tired. Right now I'm in bed in pain, and too weak to do anything but be on this stupid computer. Not that I want to give up, but I'd rather have a few months of feeling good and able to enjoy things, than a few years of living like this. Even my mom who loves more than anyone else can, told me that if I chose not to do the chemo, she would support my decision, because she thinks I've been through enough.

So what do I do? Stick it out and be miserable, or stop this torture of my body and try to enjoy my life while I can. Unfortunately it's not that simple. Life is never black or white. But I tell you, if I had the money I would make sure my mom and Reggie had a decent place to live, and then I would stop the chemo and spend the rest of whatever time I had traveling, taking pictures, and EATING!!!!!

OPEN YOUR HEART

Sorry for that last post, but just like life itself, this blog can't be all sunshine and roses. In this post I'd like to speak to those of you who are like I used to be not so long ago. As many of you know the first 16 years of my life we're wonderful and happy. But from that moment to about the time I turned 37 I would say I lived life with what you would call a closed heart. I was not the open book that I am now. I was kind, friendly, but I couldn't let anyone completely in my heart, not even my husband. Yes I saved myself from a great deal of pain, but I also deprived myself of great joy as well.

So for those of you who go through life with thick walls around your heart, please do what you can to lower those walls, or prepare yourself for a very lonely life. Who am I to talk about walls around a heart? What do I know about such things? Well believe me, you're looking at someone who didn't just have walls around her heart, we're talking forts! I was a sort of Pollyanna to everyone. Always there for people always tried to help where I could, but when it came to my own problems or difficulties in life I pushed everyone away, and thought I could handle it all on my own. I always had that "I don't want people to know about my health problems." Or that "I don't want to talk about it" attitude. I've even been criticized by some of my friends about this blog and about writing my feelings down.

The truth is that I was calm and cool on the outside, and screaming on the inside. If you go around like that, you will explode at some point, and chances are it will be over something small, and you'll end up making a fool of yourself. It took me years to learn that by opening up, and letting people see my vulnerable side, I not only help myself, but others as well. Sometime last year I was very down and wrote a very sad and depressing post. At first I thought gee, maybe that wasn't such a good idea to expose my feelings like that, then I received an email form a friend of mine who receives these posts to her email, and she had forward it to her brother who was suffering from severe depression, and after reading it, he went for help. So please, it doesn't matter who you are, or what you're going through, open up and let those around you in. It won't be easy, believe me I know it won't, but it will be worth it I promise you.

Now if you want to see a great example of opening up to love and life, there is a wonderful movie called Shadowlands. This movie sort of changed my life so to speak. It's the true story about the later years of author C. S. Lewis. Click Here to watch it in parts on YouTube. It's about a man in his 50's who after his mom's death when he was a child, spent the rest of his life with a closed heart. He even had the nerve to lecture about faith, God,and love, for which he knew nothing about. Then he meets this divorced mom and she sees right through him, and changes his life. He falls in love for the first time in his life, only to loose her to cancer in the end. But between the time he falls in love with her and marries her even though he knows she's dieing, up until her death, he experiences a joy and happiness that he has never known. And at the very end he asks the question "Why love, if loosing hurts so much?" he then answers himself with "The pain now, was part of the happiness then....That's the deal." You can choose safety, or you can choose pain. But I think I'd rather take the risk of pain to be able to feel the joy.....even if it's just for a little while. That's the deal!

KISS MY IRISH ASS!

I apologise in advance for this post, and if you get offended easily please don't read anymore of this entry. I'm sick and tired of you people in my life who think the world revolves around you, and that it owes you something. We all have to work hard to get anywhere in this life, and no one owes you a God damn thing! If someone does or is willing to do something for you, it doesn't matter what the end result is, just be grateful that they are willing to do it for you in the first place. I'm not going to mention names here because I don't want to embarrass anyone but you know who you are without my telling you.

There are two of you in particular that I'm very upset with, and this bitching post is directed at you. I realise that we're all human and we blow up at each other, but grow some balls and admit what you did, and say you're sorry! Or pardon my french, and get the fuck out of my life because I don't have the energy or the temperament anymore to put up with your selfish childish ways. I have friends who are fighting cancer, are loosing their homes, have loved ones in the hospital, and one who just lost his son in a car crash, and yet none of them has ever given me the amount of shit that you two have lately. I even have someone in my life who does fly off the handle sometimes because he's going through a lot in his life right now, but at least he's man enough to say he's sorry for treating me that way.

So you two, grow up or get out of my life. I do care for both of you very much, but you don't seem to realise that I've got troubles of my own, and don't need this crap. And by the way you're NOT all that, and you need to eat a few pieces of humble pie, and get over yourselves. I think that's your biggest problem is that you think you're all that and a bag of chips! It turns people off when you brag about yourself, unless they ask first. You guys have this attitude of "Look at me everybody! I've done this, and I'm so great at that! blah blah blah" When you should be saying "Hey here I am, just as confused as you, how can I help you achieve a better life? And can you help me too?" We're all in this life together, and we should help each other. I'm sorry I have to be so mean, but you both have hurt me so, and you don't even care that you hurt me. But it's not all your fault because I let you get away with it, and I said nothing. I put my head down and walked away instead of sticking up for myself. But I did it because I do care about you, and I just was so down I couldn't fight back. But I give you warning that from now on I will no longer take it anymore, and even though I am very grateful for what you've done for me, the gloves are coming off. I don't want to loose you guys, but I have to protect, love and take care of my best friend (me) or no one else will.

There is nothing like watching a disaster movie when you're depressed! But this song is very uplifting.

ME IN THE KITCHEN

Went to my friend David's and was able to make dinner for the his whole family. I miss being in the kitchen, and my Beef Wellington came out perfect! David and his wife have been through so much this past year, but Shelly is getting better, and was even able to eat a healthy portion. I made a Brown Betty for desert, and my famous banana nut bread.

I once asked my husband why he loved me so much since he was a musician, and very handsome, and could have any woman he wanted. He turned to me and said "Baby, no one can cook like you, and from the moment I looked into your eyes and tasted your Beef Wellington, I was in love!" Ya I know sounds perverted, but that was the sweet talker he was. Baked a little extra bread for mom, and I just hope I can get us out of the rat hole one day and into a decent place where I can cook and bake again.

NOT THAT STRONG

Sitting here with my hot chocolate, watching old movies and wondering where am I going to find the strength to smile next weekend. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that the people that are the closest to me think that I'm so strong. It's true that I've been through tremendous pain and suffering in my life, but I'm NOT that strong. It's just that I was brought up in a strict Catholic, loving, giving family that taught me to think of others before my own needs. But cancer is a very lonely and hard disease to fight, and only those who have been there can know what I mean.

I think for me the hardiest thing right now is trying to find the will to fight for my life. I keep thinking of my family that's in Heaven, and how much I miss them. Ever since I was 16 and took over as head of the family, I've had to put my family's needs above my own. Well now 25 years after my first battle with cancer I just want to climb the tallest mountain and shout to God ENOUGH!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WHAT THE HELL MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!

Had a dream a few nights ago and in the dream I saw my grandpa. Big tall and strong and I ran to him like I did when I was a little girl. I sat on his lap, and he told me not to be afraid, and that he was here for me. Believe it or not I can take being ill, poor, and can even take being in this chair, but I can't be the strong one anymore, the one that people run to with their problems. Oh what I'd give to have one more hug from that strong wonderful man. But then again if I was ever granted that wish, how would I find the strength to say good bye like I had to when we buried him. I hope wherever he is he's not disappointed in my weakness, and that he's praying for me to find the strength I need to pull me through these dark days.

YOU HELD MY HAND

When the storm clouds of life rained down on me-

You held my hand.

When the coldness of mankind turned it's back on me-

You held my hand.

As I struggled to climb the mountain-

You held my hand.

And on those rare days when the sun shined trough the trees-

You held my hand.

So as the pain of life shifts from me to you-

If you truly love me, let me hold your hand too!

MY FAV SONGS OF ALL TIME

Ask anyone who knows me well, and they'll tell you how much music means to me. Even married a professional musician just because I thought he would understand this deep love.
My idea of Heaven on earth is to go to a concert, or watch a good live band. Even going to a baseball game can't hold a candle to going to a concert to me. I really love all kinds of music from classical to 1989, but 70's rock and jazz would have to be my favs. But there are five songs that are my all time favs, and I don't care what mood I'm in, I will always feel better when I hear one of them. Here they are in order, and if you don't know them, just click on the title and have a listen.

1. BRING IT ON HOME TO ME Sam Cooke

2. AT LAST Etta James

3. BROKEN HEARTED MELODY Sarah Vaughn

4. WHAT A FOOL BELIVES Doobie Brothers

5. YOU'RE THE FIRST, MY LAST, MY EVERYTHING Barry White

PRAYERS NEEDED

For those of you who don't believe in God, I guess I can't ask this of you. But for those of you who do, I really need your prayers right now. I'm facing my life long nemesis Hodgkin's Disease (lymphatic cancer) again. Unlike most cancers that are considered "cured" after 5 years of remission, Hodgkin's is a rare form of lymphoma that NEVER goes away. It usually strikes the young, and even though I'm no longer a young woman, I have been battling it since I was 19 years old. The good news is although it never goes away, it is very treatable, and is far less deadly than Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. The reason is because lymphoma is cancer of the lymph nodes, and no matter what cancer you have, once it spreads to the lymph system, your time is numbered.

My biggest problem right now is that my poor little body might not be able to take chemo, if that's the case, I'm not sure what the outcome will be. The emotional toll will be hard as well, but at least I do have people who love me, to help me get through it. So please keep me AND the ones that love me in your thoughts, as we prepare for battle once again.

GLORY DAYS

Another sleepless night. My record is 4 nights in a row, but that's a record I don't want to beat. It's funny the things one thinks of when one can't sleep. For the past few weeks I've been very ill, and yet for some strange reason at peace. Even thinking of the old days when I was young and full of life no longer makes me bitter and sad, but peaceful. I even laugh when I recall my so called "Glory Days" touring with the group, and having a blast meeting people in all the small towns we would go too.

A lot of times when I can't sleep I would watch netflix or youtube, but tonight I went searching for this video from The Boss called Glory Days I remember I was 18 or 19 when this came out so at the time I really didn't get the lyrics and what the song meant. Back then I just watched it to drool over Bruce's hot body! If I had listened to it a few months ago I would have either been bitter, or tears would have rolled down my face. But now I smile, think of my glory days, and totally relate to the song. Maybe when my chair is fixed and I feel a little better I should take a trip out to L.A. and to my old stomping grounds. The house I grew up in, the ball field where I leaned to play. I think we all reach a certain point in our lives where we long to go back and remember where we came from. I had a very happy childhood, so I know they will be good memories.

HAPPY 2010!

I hope everyone had a great holiday season! I don't know about anyone else, but I was very happy to say goodbye to 2009. With the exception of few wonderful new friends that came into my life, last year was a very sad and lonely year. But with every new year, there is always new hope. As I look back at last year, I think the event that had the biggest effect on me was the death of my high school sweetheart George. Even my mom cried because she remembers when she and his mother were pregnant with us.

Dear God I'm going to be 44 this June, where did the years go? I guess my New Year's Resolution will be to find more peace in my life. Ever since I was young I was either fighting to live, or working hard to make a better life for me and my family. Not that it's bad to be ambitious, but some times we get so caught up with trying to make our lives better, that we don't enjoy the life we have. If I make it to June, that will be the 14th birthday that I wasn't supposed to see. So being that I'm here on borrowed time, I better make the most of it. I think that's why my birthday, and the birthdays of people I love mean so much to me. So here's to 2010, and may all of our dreams come true, and may we all make each and every day count!!!!!!