THE DRAGON IS LOOSE

I can't say that I'm happier, but something has happened to me. I remember a few weeks after I turned 29 and I was very very ill and in stage 4 of cancer. The doctor came in and told me to focus on the quality of life rather than the quantity, because I probably wasn't going to see my 30th birthday. I went home crying, and almost gave up. Then something happened to me that night. I don't know what you would call it, but something inside of me just snapped. I became very angry, and just told the world and everyone that wanted me to give up and lay down and die to fuck off!!! As I've said many times, being half Irish and half Native American is a very dangerous combination. I'm not only stubborn, but I have a fiery temper that can move mountains. So if I put my mind on something, and someone or something lights a fire under my ass, LOOK OUT!It was like that scene in Gone With The Wind when Scarlett is starving and in the garden and she vows to beat this and live through it. Well not only did I see my 30th, but I saw my 40th, and God damn it, I intend to see my 80th!

Yesterday I was suppose to see a specialist to see if I have MS, and they called me to tell me that my insurance won't cover the visit but if I want to pay for it ($250.00) I was welcome to keep my appointment. Then I received a letter telling me that CA has just dropped my vision and dental coverage. Most people don't know that chemo effects your teeth, and I need major dental work done, but I was waiting till I was in remission. I snapped, blew a fuse, hit the roof, had a cow, any way you want to call it, it happened. The Dragon came out with a fury, and all I can say is that it was a good thing that no one was home, but I do think I scared the shit out of Reggie.

So now what? Well for one thing I'm through with doctors, and drugs. I'll keep up with my check ups, but that's it. I'm going to find some way to leave this fucking CA, and I'm NEVER going to live here again. Mom said she'll move anywhere I want to go, so we're OUTTA HERE! I've asked God to bless me with something that I want very much, and I told him that I want to touch, help, and love as many people as I can before he calls me home. Don't know how I'm going to do all this, or even find the money to do these things, but I was spared for some reason, and I owe it to all those who've not survived cancer to at least try.

Ever since this depression started in January, I found I was crying more and more for my family and friends who have passed away. I felt lost and abandoned. Even though I knew in my heart that I was going to be with them some day, all I could think about was that they weren't here with me now that I needed them the most. But the truth is they never left me. They walk with me every day, and kiss me good night. They pray for me, and I bet I can still make them laugh like I used to do. Even though I miss their hugs and kisses, and seeing them smile at me, to say that I don't feel them near, would be a lie.

Lastly I want to say that I believe very much in the power of prayer. Only the fool says there is no God. I've seen healthy people drop dead, and people on their death beds get well, and no one can explain it. He's answered every prayer I've asked him, even if it wasn't answered in the way I wanted. I'm sure all this suffering is for a reason, and one day I know he'll show me why. So my friends please pray for me, and pray for those I love that are going through some bad times too. And pray for all those who are suffering from depression that are in dark places, because believe me it can happen to any of us at any time, and when it does we need extra love and understanding.

CAN'T STOP THE PAIN

Just woke up and I feel so incredibly sad. I'm trying so hard to come out of this, and yet I feel like I'm loosing. I'm not suicidal, but I'm tired of living. I know there are so many that love and care about me, yet I feel so alone. I feel so guilty about all the prayers that were given on my behalf to get me to this point, and yet I'm not grateful. Still in shock about loosing my friend Molly, and wondering why God spared me and not her.

The only thing I can think of is that in all this time, I've not found joy. Never really had time to think about it, because I was either fighting to get well, or I was too busy taking care of someone else. I've only known joy twice in 43 years. The first 16 years of my life, and when I was pregnant with my son. My mom once told me that if they made a movie of my life, no one would believe all the tragedies I've been through. And yet I must admit, there have been many, many, joyful moments in my life.

So where do I go? Who do I turn to? What do I do? I've always craved being with my friends, laughing, catching a ball game, or just reading and listing to my music. Now, I turned down my friend's invite to come over this weekend, I stooped going to the sports bar, I only call my close friends when I need to talk to them about something important, or if they need me, and I even turned down an invite to go fishing 4TH of July weekend, and I NEVER turn down a fishing trip!

I keep waiting for my best friend to show up to rescue me. The little smart ass that gets a kick out of making people laugh. The girl who puts me in my place, and never lets me feel sorry for myself for too long. She's been with me all my life, and with the exception of my grandpa, the only one I've ever been able to count on. I looked in the mirror a while ago, and she's just not there.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

My grandpa was and is the one true love of my life. What made him so special? At first I didn't know myself. But as I became a women and socialized more with men, I finally knew. He was an old fashioned gentleman, without being a male chauvinist. I can't tell you how many times he told me I could be anything I wanted to be, yet he better never catch me not acting like a lady, or I was in big trouble!

One of my favorite memories was when I was about ten, and he and my uncle put up this great big jungle gym for me in the back yard. I asked him if I could bring some friends over to play with me, and he said yes, and then the next day he caught me playing with about twelve boys! Needles to say, I was in BIG trouble. He knew I was far too young to be doing anything wrong, (hell, I didn't have my first kiss until I was sixteen!) but he tried to explain that my playing with twelve boys, was just not lady-like.

It wasn't always easy being his little girl, because I was as much a smart ass and stubborn as he was, but no girl could have had a better father. He taught me that men aren't the complicated creatures we women think they are. If you find a good man, all you need to do is just let them be a man, stroke that ego, show them you love them, stroke that ego, don't try to make them think like you do, oh and did I mention to stroke that ego? Women are the ones who are the trouble makers, I still end up putting my foot in my mouth with women, and I'm a woman!

Is it possible to be a ladies man and still be faithful? Well grandpa proved it was. I remember the stories about him knowing his share of women, and he had a ball in Paris during WWI. But then in 1923 he married this little spitfire of a woman named Mary, and he stayed with her for fifty-nine years! Yet he attracted women like bees to honey. He told me one day that life is too short, and it doesn't matter how long your married, if your not happy leave, and try to find happiness with someone else. But never try to have your cake and eat it to, or you'll be sorry. He said he felt sorry for men and women who stay in a loveless marriage for the kids, or money, or even worse, because of a vow they took in church. He thought of God as a father, and what father would want his child to be unhappy. You know for a man born in the 1800's he was one hip dude! No angel by any means, but a straight, no bullshit type of man that lived his life by his own set of morals.

There was just one thing wrong with my relationship with my grandpa, and that was that God only let me have him for sixteen years. The man was my father, teacher, protector, and best friend. In other words, he was the center of my universe. I remember my grandma telling him that we were too close, and that he was probably not going to live to see me grow up, (he was 70 when I was born) but he told her it was too late to change things now. But grandma was right, and on October 16, 1982 God called him home. Now twenty-seven years later not a day goes by that I don't think of him, and what he must think of me, and how I turned out.

Men like grandpa are very, very rare. In fact in my forty-plus years I've only known three. Two thank God are in my life now, the other was my childhood sweetheart George. We reconnected about three years ago, and he said that the one thing that he remembered about grandpa, was that he loved that grandpa could wear a pink shirt, except flowers from a woman, and still hold his manly head up high. "Your grandpa would have loved that t-shirt that reads REAL MEN WEAR PINK!" It's true, grandpa wasn't afraid of his feminine side. He was a man's man, and he didn't need to be a bully, or have a trophy wife, or even have a bunch of money to hold his head up with other men.

Grandpa, like the song from Bread says, "no one could ever know, the part of me that can't let go" everything I am, and believe in, you taught me. But you never taught me how to live my life without you! I hope mom is right, and that you are proud of the woman I've become. But I don't care how many years go by, or how many men come in and out of my life, I miss being in your arms and hearing you tell me that everything will be alright, and that you're there for me. I miss not having you here to protect me, defend my honor, and to make me laugh. Through the years I've learned to do all those things for myself, yet I've never learned how to live without that huge strong loving hand of yours stroking my shoulder telling me that I was loved, and that no one better mess with your little girl. Well your little girl misses you, and again, as the song says, "I would give everything I own just to have you back again!"

THANK YOU EVERYONE!

OMG! What a week! Thank you all for your gifts, cards, emails, flowers, and most importantly, your love during this birthday week of mine. That’s why no matter how hard life gets, I can never sit down and feel sorry for myself, because I know so many out there love me. Although I love and thank you all, there are a few I want to especially thank-

Mom- Mommy, I take your love and support so much for granted. Even though I tease you and call you a pain in the butt….truth is I’d be lost without you. No one will ever love me as you do, and I can never love anyone as much as I love you Mommy!

Robin- Even though you had a hell of a day on my birthday, you still showed up. That means so much to me, because that’s a true friend. But it goes both ways sister dear, so always know I’m here for you too.

Shannon- My baby girl! You’re such a chip off the ol block! Although I may not be your real mom, I love you as much as if I popped you out myself. Wasn’t it fun making John blush at the restaurant? A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste, and that’s why you and I rocked the house that night. We need to take our act out on the road!

John- Thanks so much for coming to my dinner, and for being such a good sport while Shannon and I played around. You’re a class act, and I love you dearly.

Molly- Last but not least, Molly what would I do without you! Not only do you never forget about me, you make sure that no one else forgets about me either. You’ve known me longer than anyone, and yet you still stick by me. Thank you my friend.

And again thank you all!!!!!!!