MY HEART

I don't know what the hell this virus has done to me, but it's done much more than just make me ill. It's made me feel very mushy and sentimental. It's forced me to lower my walls, and show more of my feelings. I guess in a way you can call it a good thing...but it scares the shit out of me. My mom has been laughing at me because she's known all along what a softhearted person I am, and that I do a great job of hiding it. I guess I've always feared that if I wear my heart out on my sleeve, I'll just get hurt. And if they see the little girl in me, they'll laugh, and not with me, AT me. But you know I've been hiding for almost 27 years, and I'm tired.


Another thing that I've noticed is that not only am I crying more, I'm also laughing with more joy as well. I even bought a bubble gun and I now go down the street in my chair shooting bubbles along the way! Yeah I know, you might think I've lost it, but you know life is just too damn short. I'm not saying I think I'm gonna die soon, but you never know, and I want to die happy. Maybe I'm finally coming to terms with being in this chair, and even though I can't do the things I used to, I can still make a fool of myself.


I'm playing with my dog more, I watch more mushy movies, I laugh more, I'm hugging and kissing my friends more and telling them how much I love them every chance I get. I thought acting like this would make me a push over, but I find that it's making me actually stand up for myself more. My attitude now is that if I care about you, I'll be there for you through bad times because that's what friends are for, but I'm not going to sit with you through a LIFE SUCKS PITY PARTY because I just don't have the time or the energy. A therapist once told me that it takes a great deal of energy to be unhappy all the time, and she was right. I know life is hard, BELIEVE me I know, and we're all guilty of self pity, but as Steven King says in the Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living, or get busy dieing".


Maybe it was hearing scary things from my doctor, and the words "heart donor list" that woke me up. I think we all take life for granted, until you realize it can be taken from you. I've been fighting to live for so many years, but I think for the wrong reasons. It was because I'm not a quitter, and because I had others that love and depend on me. But it was never for me, I never wanted to live for just me, and that's sad. I have a few friends like that, who are existing, not living. One in particular whom I love very much, but since she doesn't love herself, my love for her is in vain. She is more concerned about what people who don't give a shit about her think about her, than those of us who love her. I've tried to reach her but I can't. But I can't change her attitude, I can only change mine. It doesn't matter if I'm here another year, or another 40, if those years are not spent with some degree of happiness, I might as well just die now.