WHY I'M SO ILL

The heart virus that's making me so sick is called Myocarditis. It's the same virus that killed Andy Gibb. My doctor believes the cancer weakened my system so much that that's why I caught it. It's rare (lucky me) but not unheard of among cancer patients. I've been doing some research on the virus, and it also seems to be common among drug addicts. So I was thinking that even though I've never been addicted to drugs (I don't even take the ones I'm supposed to take) maybe all the drugs I have taken over the years would equal the amount a drug addict would have taken. And in doing so, made my poor little body weak.

And speaking of my little body, last Sat. my friend Dawne and I had lunch at Knott's, and afterwords we stopped by the hotel gift shop to see my friend Jim. When I stood up to show Jim how to do something on his computer, Dawne sat in my chair to go for a ride in the hallway. She made the comment that she never realized how little I was until she sat in my chair. My chair took three months to get because it was custom made for me. But I have to admit whenever I look at it, I too am taken back by how small it is. I may only be 4'11 but I've never been ashamed of my body. One time I was on a bus in New York long before I had trouble walking, and this guy looked at me and said "Damn you're short!" I looked up at him and said "Yeah, and you're STUPID! I can wear heels if I want to, but you'll be stupid for the rest of your life!!!" That's me, smart ass to the end, now I tell everyone that I'm the only one I know that can stand up from this chair and still be the same height as when I'm sitting in it!

KD Lang - Constant Craving

No matter how down I get, music always brings me up. And I love this song, and K.D. Lang, well gay or straight, this woman can belt it out like no one else of my generation. Rock on K.D.!!!!

AN AMAZING DAY

I was sitting in bed when after a good stretch, the pain was gone. Then my love called and he told me that he realized what an ass he's been and that he was going to come out to see me and if we can work out our problems, he wanted me to come back with him. I called my doctor, and he said that my last blood work was good, and that he thinks it would be alright if I went. Mom came home from work and I told her what had happened, and she said that she and Reggie would be alright for a while and to go ahead and go. I was so exited! I thought that even if it doesn't work out with my love, at least I'd be out of CA and this rat hole, and be on my way to a normal life! Then I went out with the guys for a beer and to tell them the good news, and we were just sitting there laughing and singing oldies, and they all were so happy for me. Then at the end of this amazing day, my sweetie called again and said that he always loved me just for me. It didn't matter that I couldn't do the things I used to do. That he knew that I was the first woman to love him for the person he was and it wasn't his job, looks, or what I could get out of him. Tears of joy ran down my face, and I just knew somehow things would be ok, and no matter if I die tomorrow, I die happy.......Then I woke up! It was still Fri. morning, I still was in pain, it was only a dream.

WHY CAN'T WE BE HAPPY

I have a friend who has a good job that she's bored with, a nice apartment all to herself, and good health. And she's so unhappy. I on the other hand can't find a decent job, can't find a moment to myself, and am in poor health. And also am unhappy. She doesn't have many friends, and doesn't date. I on the other hand have many friends, and even going for a taco last night got bugged by a guy wanting to buy me a drink. Why can't we be happy? Why can't she and I pull together our resources and give to the other what we need. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

Even though she's my friend, she doesn't understand why guys are always around me, and they never give her the time of day. I've told her a million times that I'm nothing special, and it sure the hell ain't my looks. But if she wants to interact with men she has to open that mouth of hers! I sit and wonder why when she needed a place to live, not only did her church help her get one, but furnished it as well. Don't mean to be cruel, but she really is not the brightest bulb on the marque, and yet she lands a coding job with a medical billing company, and makes good money. She has an eating disorder and abuses her body, and yet is always healthy.

Why? We're both good women that could use a break. There is one big difference between us, and that is she is ready to give up, and I can't. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I'm so sick I do want to lay down and die, but I can never be like that for very long. And no matter how angry I get at life, I can never become bitter and say that I have NOTHING. I am weak and tired, and I might give out, but I don't think I can ever give in, and just can't give up.

Sam Cooke - Bring It On Home To Me

My all time favorite song. Sam Cooke, Lou Rawls, doing back up, it don't get better than that baby!!!!

WHEN WILL I DIE?

Just took this fun little application on Facebook where you enter your birth info, and it calculates when and how you'll die-

Christina just found out the Death's Time:
Date: June 9 of 2032 at 7:21 pm.
Cause: Apparent heart attack aboard a cruise ship
Age: 66 years old

All I had to say to that was- "Shit! I have to wait that long to have peace! Well I hope that heart attack is do to great sex on that cruise ship, because if you gotta go, that's the way to go!"