SO STRONG

I can’t count how many times I’ve been told how strong I am because of what I’ve had to endure in this life. Even my own mother thinks I’m an extremely strong woman. I just smile and say thank you, but the truth is I’m NOT strong. Deep down inside is a very weak frightened little girl who would love to be sheltered and protected. In many, many ways I’m very much like my idol Judy Garland. I studied voice with Lew Salter who worked with Judy, and I found out that not only did we share the same birthday, height, 3 octave range, prefer to sing in B flat, but that we were both Daddy’s girls. Well in my case I was a Grandpa’s girl. That poor woman spent her whole life searching for that loved and protected feeling that she knew as a young girl. I guess you could say I have too, but the difference between Judy and I, was I didn’t turn to drugs to cope with life. Not to put poor Judy down, God rest her, for they were shoving those pills down her throat as a young girl, (can’t see how her mother allowed that) and to be honest, if there wasn’t an addiction factor in taking drugs, I’d say bring them on and let’s get high! But there’s just something inside me that doesn’t allow me to be dependent on anything OR anyone. I guess it’s because there’s a huge down side to it, and I don’t think I could survive it.

So how do I stay strong? Two reasons, my love for God, and love for my best friend (me). I guess some people think because I don’t speak about my faith too much, they assume I’m not religious. Well let me tell you at one point when I was a teenager, I was seriously thinking about becoming a nun, (ok stop laughing) but I wanted to be a mother and a wife too much to do it. I don’t have to carry a bible in my hand all the time, wear a I LOVE JESUS t-shirt, or preach to everyone to be close to my Lord. As my Grandpa used to say, “Just worry about getting YOUR soul into Heaven, pray for others, do for others, and don’t judge anyone because you’re no better than anyone else”. That’s why I don’t discuss religion or politics, because I don’t need to get others to think as I do to believe in what I believe in. As far as my best friend goes, well she may be stubborn, a smart ass, an over all pain in the butt, but she is also honest, loyal, very loving, and always backs her friends up.

I have two close friends who have some serious self hate issues, and I wish I could help them. Both are great women, and I know deep down they would love to be loved and cherished. One of them hates herself so much that even if Mr. Right came along, she’d push him away. She refuses to see the wonderful things about her, and she claims she’s tired of hearing about loving herself. I told her I used to be the same way, and it took 36 years for me to learn how to love myself, and be my own best friend. The thing that I learned is unless you love yourself, not only can no one love you, but you can’t claim that you truly love anyone as well. She claims to have loved her family, who are now gone, and she may have loved them, but she doesn’t see that in not loving herself and wanting to die to be with them, would only hurt the ones that she claims to love so much. The other has been in and out of the hospital, has been wanting to kill herself for many years, been married 5 times, and is petrified of being alone. But she asked me one day how I learned to love myself, and I told her for me I just started to give myself a break, and to try to step out of myself to try to see what others saw in me. It wasn’t easy, but then few things that are worthwhile are. And I still mess up sometimes. But I started to do more for others, I chose good people for my extended family, and I learned to trust God more. I don’t mean to preach, and what worked for me doesn’t mean it would work for someone else, but after I did these things, I found I could pretty much face anything. The only problem I’ve been having lately is that the outlets that I used to turn to bring me joy, I can no longer do, and I’m having trouble finding alternatives.

Well boys and girls, that’s the lesson for today, so remember that sometimes people you may think are very strong, can be just as weak as anyone else, they’ve just learned how to cope with life in a way that works for them.