JUST FOR SHITS & GIGGLES 2

I know some of these are stupid, but what the hell I'm bored!!!!!

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."


It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

JUST FOR SHITS & GIGGLES

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"



The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job."Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."


A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

SO STRONG

I can’t count how many times I’ve been told how strong I am because of what I’ve had to endure in this life. Even my own mother thinks I’m an extremely strong woman. I just smile and say thank you, but the truth is I’m NOT strong. Deep down inside is a very weak frightened little girl who would love to be sheltered and protected. In many, many ways I’m very much like my idol Judy Garland. I studied voice with Lew Salter who worked with Judy, and I found out that not only did we share the same birthday, height, 3 octave range, prefer to sing in B flat, but that we were both Daddy’s girls. Well in my case I was a Grandpa’s girl. That poor woman spent her whole life searching for that loved and protected feeling that she knew as a young girl. I guess you could say I have too, but the difference between Judy and I, was I didn’t turn to drugs to cope with life. Not to put poor Judy down, God rest her, for they were shoving those pills down her throat as a young girl, (can’t see how her mother allowed that) and to be honest, if there wasn’t an addiction factor in taking drugs, I’d say bring them on and let’s get high! But there’s just something inside me that doesn’t allow me to be dependent on anything OR anyone. I guess it’s because there’s a huge down side to it, and I don’t think I could survive it.

So how do I stay strong? Two reasons, my love for God, and love for my best friend (me). I guess some people think because I don’t speak about my faith too much, they assume I’m not religious. Well let me tell you at one point when I was a teenager, I was seriously thinking about becoming a nun, (ok stop laughing) but I wanted to be a mother and a wife too much to do it. I don’t have to carry a bible in my hand all the time, wear a I LOVE JESUS t-shirt, or preach to everyone to be close to my Lord. As my Grandpa used to say, “Just worry about getting YOUR soul into Heaven, pray for others, do for others, and don’t judge anyone because you’re no better than anyone else”. That’s why I don’t discuss religion or politics, because I don’t need to get others to think as I do to believe in what I believe in. As far as my best friend goes, well she may be stubborn, a smart ass, an over all pain in the butt, but she is also honest, loyal, very loving, and always backs her friends up.

I have two close friends who have some serious self hate issues, and I wish I could help them. Both are great women, and I know deep down they would love to be loved and cherished. One of them hates herself so much that even if Mr. Right came along, she’d push him away. She refuses to see the wonderful things about her, and she claims she’s tired of hearing about loving herself. I told her I used to be the same way, and it took 36 years for me to learn how to love myself, and be my own best friend. The thing that I learned is unless you love yourself, not only can no one love you, but you can’t claim that you truly love anyone as well. She claims to have loved her family, who are now gone, and she may have loved them, but she doesn’t see that in not loving herself and wanting to die to be with them, would only hurt the ones that she claims to love so much. The other has been in and out of the hospital, has been wanting to kill herself for many years, been married 5 times, and is petrified of being alone. But she asked me one day how I learned to love myself, and I told her for me I just started to give myself a break, and to try to step out of myself to try to see what others saw in me. It wasn’t easy, but then few things that are worthwhile are. And I still mess up sometimes. But I started to do more for others, I chose good people for my extended family, and I learned to trust God more. I don’t mean to preach, and what worked for me doesn’t mean it would work for someone else, but after I did these things, I found I could pretty much face anything. The only problem I’ve been having lately is that the outlets that I used to turn to bring me joy, I can no longer do, and I’m having trouble finding alternatives.

Well boys and girls, that’s the lesson for today, so remember that sometimes people you may think are very strong, can be just as weak as anyone else, they’ve just learned how to cope with life in a way that works for them.

BEAUTIFUL AND TRUE.....

When I was little, my favorite Disney film was Bambi. The words to the song from that movie always makes me feel better.

Love is a song that never ends-
Life maybe swift, and fleeting.
Hope may die, but loves beautiful music-
Comes each day like the dawn.
Love is a song that never ends-
One simple theme, repeating.
Like the voice of a heavenly choir-
Love's sweet music goes on!

Tell the people you love in your life how much they mean to you, and remember in the end, there's always love.

100 TRUTHS

Interesting survey on Facebook...Here we go!



1. Last beverage- Water

2. Last phone call- Robert

3. Last time you cried- Last night


SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice- Yes

2. Been cheated on- Yes

3. Cheated someone else- No way

4. Lost someone special- Yes

5. Been depressed- Am right now

6. Been drunk and threw up- At 18, and never did it again

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Red

2. Peach

3. Pink

4. Yellow

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends- All the time

2. Fallen out of love- Yes

3. Laughed until you cried- Yes

5. Found out who your true friends were- Yes thank God

6. Found out someone was talking about you- Yes

7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list- Yes

8. How many people on your friend's list do you know in real life- About 65 out of the 90

10. Do you have any pets- 1 dog Reggie

11. Do you want to change your name-No

12. What did you do for your last birthday- Went out to dinner with friends

13. What time did you wake up today- Didn't go to bed


14. What were you doing at midnight last night- Computer stuff

15. Name some things you CAN NOT wait for- Joy in life, a good nights sleep

16. Last time you saw your father- He died when I was 12

17. One thing you wish you could change about your life- Where I live

19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom- Yes

20. What's getting on your nerves right now- These questions!

21. Most visited webpage- Youtube

1. What's your name- At birth- Christina Louise Lane

2. Nicknames- Steel Baby, Pixie

3. Relationship Status- What relationship?

4. Zodiac sign- Gemini

5. Male or female or transgendered- The last time I checked Female

6. Elementary- Cresson

7. Middle School- Robert Lewis Stevenson

8. High school- James A. Garfield

11. Long or short hair- Short

18: What do you like about yourself- My wit

19. Piercings- Just the ears

20. Tattoos- Hell no

21. Righty or lefty- Proud righty

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery- Elbow

23. First piercing- Ears

24. First best friends- George, Carol, Judy

26. First sport you joined- Softball

27. First pet- Dog, Lassie

28. First vacation- Pismo Beach

30. First crush- Scott, first grade

49. Eating- Simalac

50. Drinking- Water

52. I'm about to- Have another Heineken

53. Listening to- The Boss

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids- Can't have any

59. Want to get married- No, been there done that

60. Careers in mind- Not sure

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes- Eyes

69. Hugs or Kisses- Hugs, big bear hugs

70. Shorter or taller- Taller

71. Older or Younger- Older

72. Romantic or Spontaneous- I'm a sucker for both, but I'd have to say spontaneous

73. Nice stomach or nice arms- Arms

74. Sensitive or loud- Loud

75. Hook-up or relationship- Relationship

76. Trouble maker or hesitant- Neither

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger- No

79. Drank hard liquor- Yes

80. Lost glasses/contacts- Yes

81. Sex on first date- No Way

82. Broken someones heart- Yes, But didn't know it till years later

83. Had your own heart broken- Oh yes

86. Turned someone down- Yes

87. Cried when someone died- Yes

88. Liked a friend that is a girl- Hell No

89. Liked a friend that is a guy- Married my best friend

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself- At times

90. Miracles- Oh yes

91. Love at first sight- Not for me, but I'm sure it can happen for some

92. Heaven- Yes

93. Santa Clause- Yes

95. Kissing on the first date- Depends

96. Angels- Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now- Yes

99. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time- No

100. Posting this as 100 Truths- Yes

THANK YOU PAUL

I just want to thank my good friend Paul Douglas for the great biography he wrote for my web site. Thanks PD!

Christina was born and raised in Los Angeles, California. She began speaking at six months, and was able to carry on full conversations by the age of two. Extremely musically inclined, her family encouraged her to develop her talents, and by the tender age of ten she had achieved first chair violin in her school district’s honor orchestra. This was an extraordinary accomplishment considering the fact that she was unable to read music! “I have severe dyslexia, and the notes always looked backwards, so I learned to play by ear alone.” By twelve her voice was the most promising of all her instruments, and she began to study with the great Lew Salter. As a result she won the title role of Annie in the first Los Angeles production of the Tony award winning musical.

Yet music and acting were not her true love. Once in the 5TH grade she was told to write a story using all the words in that week’s vocabulary list, and she wrote what she calls her first attempt at comedy writing. So moved by her story her teacher sent her on an errand to the front office while he read her story to the class. She returned to find the whole class laughing and applauding her. “That was it! I was hooked, and I wanted more of it. To have all those faces looking at me with joy on them was a feeling I’ll never forget.” But after all the money her family put towards her music, she felt compelled to keep this desire a secret. So after her role in Annie payed off the family home, she finally told her grandparents of her desire to be a writer. “I knew it would be an uphill battle, because I’m a much better singer than I am a writer, and because of my learning disability, I naturally couldn't excel in English.”

Then in 1982 at the age of sixteen, she experienced a life changing tragedy when her beloved grandfather passed away. After years of hard work to try to be able to attend a good college, she dropped out of high school, and almost ended her own life.

The following year she met her friend and mentor Molly Kelly, and began to work on her dream of becoming a comedy writer. She began writing for the group The Comedy Divas a troop of female stand up comedians in Los Angeles. She eventually started performing with the group in 1987, and stayed with the troop until 1992.

But it was a diagnoses of Hodgkin's Disease at nineteen that truly shaped her adult life, and she would battle the cancer on and off for the next twenty years. Now in 2009 at the age of forty-three she is in remission from lung cancer. “Cancer has been a part of my life ever since it took the life of my grandpa. Since then it has taken more people I love than any other cause of death. I don’t know why it has not taken me, but as I often say, Heaven must not want me yet, and Hell must be afraid of the competition!"

REAL MEN

I love men! I love being with them, talking to them, and of course......well we won't go there. Even though there are rotten apples, most of them are truly great friends. I feel so comfortable around them, that even if I'm the only woman on the fishing boat, I can have such a good time. One time a woman told me that I don't like being around women because I don't like not being the center of attention when I'm around woman that are more attractive than me. Give me a break! I know I'm not pretty, I never have been, and I never will be, and that's fine. As far as getting attention, I'm a God damn comic, so I can work a room and get men AND women laughing. I just don't know how to connect with women on a one on one bassis. Let me tell you something ladies, If you put me in the right clothes, put the right amount of make up on me, I can be just as Gilly girl as you, and my c cups are REAL!!!!!!


Anyway, a perfect example of my relating more to men, I was just at Denny's for my late night coffee, and when John the waiter was going to bring me a 3rd cup, and I told him that I just want more water, he looks at me and says, "Well then what am I suppose to do with all this cream?" We just looked at each other and busted out laughing! The waitress who also knows me didn't get it, and when I explained it to her, and when she realized it was a sexual joke, she just rolled her eyes, and gave me a dirty look. Most women for some reason seem to have such a hang up about sex that I just don't understand. I realise that we tend to hold more of and emotional connection with it than men do, I'm no different, in fact I can still count the number of men I've slept with on one hand! But I just can't understand why they just can't have fun with the subject. As long as it's in good taste, and not too graphic. Though I swear I've heard some girl talk that was completely XXX!

Now just because I said I love men doesn't mean I love ALL men. There are three types that I can't stand, Cowards, Bullies, and Whipped men just turn my stomach! Cowards that have to hit women, Bullies who have to make their women cry to get their way, and Whipped men that have to ask their wife's permission to take a shit are totally useless men, or should I say males. I guess every woman is different, but I love REAL men. Men that you can look up to, admire and respect. They take the world on their shoulders, they know how to treat a lady, and if you walk with them you don't have to worry that they're going to jump behind you in a pinch. They open doors for you, and unless they're sick or hurt, you never have to do the driving! I know women should be able to have any job they want, but I tell you if I'm in a burning building, I want to see a big strong fire MAN at the end of that ladder, not a woman! Maybe that's a sexist way of thinking, but maybe if we hadn't confused our roles so much, the world would be a better place.