CAN'T STOP THE PAIN

Just woke up and I feel so incredibly sad. I'm trying so hard to come out of this, and yet I feel like I'm loosing. I'm not suicidal, but I'm tired of living. I know there are so many that love and care about me, yet I feel so alone. I feel so guilty about all the prayers that were given on my behalf to get me to this point, and yet I'm not grateful. Still in shock about loosing my friend Molly, and wondering why God spared me and not her.

The only thing I can think of is that in all this time, I've not found joy. Never really had time to think about it, because I was either fighting to get well, or I was too busy taking care of someone else. I've only known joy twice in 43 years. The first 16 years of my life, and when I was pregnant with my son. My mom once told me that if they made a movie of my life, no one would believe all the tragedies I've been through. And yet I must admit, there have been many, many, joyful moments in my life.

So where do I go? Who do I turn to? What do I do? I've always craved being with my friends, laughing, catching a ball game, or just reading and listing to my music. Now, I turned down my friend's invite to come over this weekend, I stooped going to the sports bar, I only call my close friends when I need to talk to them about something important, or if they need me, and I even turned down an invite to go fishing 4TH of July weekend, and I NEVER turn down a fishing trip!

I keep waiting for my best friend to show up to rescue me. The little smart ass that gets a kick out of making people laugh. The girl who puts me in my place, and never lets me feel sorry for myself for too long. She's been with me all my life, and with the exception of my grandpa, the only one I've ever been able to count on. I looked in the mirror a while ago, and she's just not there.