HOW MUCH WE CHANGE

I was talking to my friend Molly last night and she brought up how much I've changed over the years. Of course I changed big time when I was 16 and my grandpa died, and my world fell apart. But I think the biggest change in my life was when I was about 35. All through my twenties and early thirties, I had this incredible chip on my shoulder, and I was so angry. If you notice, most stand up comedy revolves around anger. What was I so angry about? Who knows, I think it was the fact that all my adult life in addition to having to fight for my health, I always had to take care of someone, but there was no one there to take care of me.

But maybe it was that deep down inside, I just wanted to fit in. In school I was very popular, even though I was chubby and unattractive. And by the time I was in high school, I had excelled so much in softball and roller derby (I used to practice with the LA T-Birds) that my calender was pretty full. But I could never seem to fit in with any group, male or female. Even though by the time I was 18, I had studied voice with the late great Lew Salter, played the lead in Annie at the Pantages theatre, sang at the Hollywood Bowl twice, and yet I never was happy. I just wanted to be normal. A normal woman, or shall I dare say a "typical woman" even though I bitch about my sex all the time. There's a lot to be said about being typical. Maybe if I had been typical, I'd be leading a typical life, and be married with children.

So I think for the first 35 years of my life, I was angry at myself for not being typical. Then in and around my 36th birthday, I noticed that I just had to face the fact that I'm never going to be tall, thin, pretty, girly-girl, or have a family of my own.....and it's okay! I realized that even though I wasn't with my husband anymore, I was never at a lost for male company. When I get those snotty looks from my friends wives and girlfriends, it's not that I'm the freak, it's just that they're mad because their man would rather hang out with me then sit with them. I realized that it's good not to fit into a category and be typical, because then I would be boring and ordinary. God blessed me with the gift of being unique, and I needed to be thankful.

Now I'm facing the same insecure feelings I faced all those years ago. Trying to find the blessing in being in the chair. Feeling insecure when I'm out with friends having a good time. And dating? Oh God no! And it's not because I'm not asked, and it's not looks, because I never fall for a guys looks, and even though I'm not beautiful, I'm kind of cute. It's just that The type of man I love wouldn't give me the time of day. The type of man I love is a go getter, adventurous, athletic, charming, and witty. A man that doesn't just talk about things he loves, he goes out and DOES them! And not that I don't like romantic dinners and walks on the beach, but now I can't even walk on the beach without help! So once again the things I took for granted and laughed about, I wish I had. So the moral of this entry is? Count your blessings! Don't bitch if you have to take the stairs when an elevator is out. And above all never ever say "I'll never change" because that's just when life will come and bite you in the ass!