MY BIGGEST FEAR

It's funny what are biggest fear might be. I have a friend who's biggest fear is spending the rest of her life alone, and one who thinks that if he comes out as a gay man he'll loose all his friends. Then there's my friend in DC who thinks if he let's his guard down, and let's someone in his heart, that they'll just shatter it to bits.

What's my biggest fear? Strangely I tell friends that it's dying without doing all the things I want, or when I start to date someone new, I use the excuse that I'm too afraid of getting hurt, so I can't let someone get too close. But the truth is my biggest fear is becoming so weak that I'll have to depend on someone to take care of me for the rest of my life. Even though I've already shed the tears about not being able to wear dress heals, go dancing, or even go to my beloved batting cages, the thought of depending on someone for help to do even the most basic needs, scares me more than anything in this world.

But tonight something happened that gave me great hope and comfort. About a month ago I was thinking of St. Theresa, and the woman I've loved and adored most of my life, Mother Theresa, and when I bought a little vial with a small little wish written inside on a grain of rice, I had the guy put a little rose inside before he sealed it. then a few weeks later someone who really didn't know me that well, but who has since become very dear to me sent me a wonderful little prayer of St Theresa. Then a few days later an old friend of mine who was in town, was having a long talk with me on the phone, and without my saying a word was telling me that he had been praying to St. Theresa, and that if I receive a rose, or I smell roses, that that is her little sign that she hears you, and that she is praying for you. Now you can say that those three things are all just a co-winky dinky, but tonight mom and I were watching TV and mom says (and again, I never told her anything) "what's that wonderful smell?" And as I put my head up, a wonderful smell of fresh roses filled the room! There were no flowers in the room, and this rat hole NEVER smells good. But I took a long intake and said thank you to St. Theresa. You can believe what you want, but I believe it was her way of reassuring me that things will be alright, and it's time for me to lay to rest my biggest fear.