Last minute prep for my trip, and although there are some parts to this trip I'm NOT looking forward to, one of the the parts that I am is going to see my little Steven. I was in a serious relationship with Steven's grandfather, (He's 15 years older than me) and although I'm still "Grandma Christy" to the rest of the kids, to Steven, I'm Mommy. He was born on June 8th, 5 days after my son's birthday, and even though my Raymond would have been two years older, he tries so hard to ease my pain in loosing him by being close to me.
Stevie, or "Wevie" as I call him will be 8 in June, and he is extremely sweet and Innocent. Everything a child should be. I've packed some gifts, and I'm practicing hard on my card tricks, and I just can't wait for my hugs and kisses!
To All Of You
Monday, April 27, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
THANK YOU
Wow, I didn't know my last post would cause such reaction! But thank you all for your emails, it's nice to know this journal get read by so many of my friends. There were however several questions, and I'd like to take this time to answer them.
The first one is where did I find this short story? The answer is that I didn't find it at all, I wrote it myself.
The next one is that is the character Lilly really me, and her husband, my ex husband Buster? and the answer is no, no, no, no, NO!!!!!!
And the last one was what was I really trying to say in the story? And the answer is, I was just trying to reach people who suffer from what I call a closed heart.
Many of us do believe in God, and deep down do trust in him, but for what ever reason we have shut our hearts up tight when it comes to love. In my case I do love many people such as my mom, and my friends. And I do receive much love in return. But I can't say I have a "BEST" friend. I did have one once, her name was Karen, and just as I realised that she really was my best friend, and that she would stick by me no matter what, she was hit by a car and was killed, and I was there to see it. Many girlfriends have gotten very close to me, but as soon as I really start to trust them, they either betray me, or turn their back on me and break my heart. As far as romance goes, I have a ton of male buddies, and if their single and if I want to have a fling, I'll have one. As Clint Eastwood said in The Bridges Of Madison County "I may be a loner, but I'm not a monk!" But even that doesn't happen too often, and now that I'm in the chair, my self esteem is so low that I won't let anyone touch me.
So is there hope for the girl that refuses to let anyone in her heart? I hope so, because I hate the thought of growing into a bitter old lady. But there's not too many women who want a best friend that would rather go to a ball game than to the mall, and would rather have lunch at the ESPN Zone than a cute little french cafe. And as for men, I think that chance is even bleaker, because I love the fun loving man's man adventure type. So can you imagine a guy like that falling for someone in a wheelchair? Maybe in fairy tales they do, but not in real life. I know that sounds mean, but it's the truth. So for all you closed hearted people out there, please take a chance on love, it's worth the pain. Because you never know if something might happen to you that stops the opportunities from coming, and then you will end up alone, and that's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
The first one is where did I find this short story? The answer is that I didn't find it at all, I wrote it myself.
The next one is that is the character Lilly really me, and her husband, my ex husband Buster? and the answer is no, no, no, no, NO!!!!!!
And the last one was what was I really trying to say in the story? And the answer is, I was just trying to reach people who suffer from what I call a closed heart.
Many of us do believe in God, and deep down do trust in him, but for what ever reason we have shut our hearts up tight when it comes to love. In my case I do love many people such as my mom, and my friends. And I do receive much love in return. But I can't say I have a "BEST" friend. I did have one once, her name was Karen, and just as I realised that she really was my best friend, and that she would stick by me no matter what, she was hit by a car and was killed, and I was there to see it. Many girlfriends have gotten very close to me, but as soon as I really start to trust them, they either betray me, or turn their back on me and break my heart. As far as romance goes, I have a ton of male buddies, and if their single and if I want to have a fling, I'll have one. As Clint Eastwood said in The Bridges Of Madison County "I may be a loner, but I'm not a monk!" But even that doesn't happen too often, and now that I'm in the chair, my self esteem is so low that I won't let anyone touch me.
So is there hope for the girl that refuses to let anyone in her heart? I hope so, because I hate the thought of growing into a bitter old lady. But there's not too many women who want a best friend that would rather go to a ball game than to the mall, and would rather have lunch at the ESPN Zone than a cute little french cafe. And as for men, I think that chance is even bleaker, because I love the fun loving man's man adventure type. So can you imagine a guy like that falling for someone in a wheelchair? Maybe in fairy tales they do, but not in real life. I know that sounds mean, but it's the truth. So for all you closed hearted people out there, please take a chance on love, it's worth the pain. Because you never know if something might happen to you that stops the opportunities from coming, and then you will end up alone, and that's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Monday, April 20, 2009
AN EASTER LILLY
There was once a woman who lived in a very small poor village, who was very kind, and clever, but sad and aloof. The people who knew her loved her dearly, and they had all heard of the very sad and painful life she had endured. But yet she always smiled, and went out of her way to bring joy into other people's lives.
One day she went for one of her walks by the river, and she saw this man fishing. "Hello" He said in a very sweet friendly voice. She turned and smiled at him and said, "Hello, I've never seen you here before. Are you new to the village?" The man turned to her and said, "No, I'm not new to this village, I come to visit quite often." The woman was puzzled. The village she lived in was very small, and everyone knows each other, and she had never seen this man before. But she decided to take him at his word, and as she walk passed him she said, "Well, God be with you, and have a good day." "You don't really believe that do you?" The man asked her. "What?" She replied in a somewhat shocked voice. "You don't really believe that God is with us" The man answered. The woman looked at him with anger and replied "Of course I believe God is with us! What are you saying, that I don't believe in God?" "No" the man replied with a calm soothing voice, "I'm not saying you don't believe in God, I'm just saying that you don't believe that he's with us always." At this point the woman was just about to tell this stranger off, when he walked over to her and said, "I'm sorry if I angered you, I didn't mean to do that. My name is David. What is your name?" The woman looked up at him with anger and resentment at first, but when she looked into his eyes, they seem to pierce right through her. She regained her composer, and answered, "Lilly". "That's such a beautiful name, how did you come to be called that?" David asked her. Lilly put her head down and said, "Well, my mom and dad were very very poor, and at Easter, my dad never seemed to have enough money to give my mom flowers, so he would spend hours the day before Easter to find the most beautiful Lilly he could find to give her on Easter morning. So years later when I was born on Easter morning, mom named me Lilly."
They sat there by the river talking and Lilly ended up telling David her life story, and all the pain and suffering she had endured her whole life. Then after sharing all this with him, she turned to him and said, "You know David you were right, I do have trouble believing that God is always with us. I mean I believe in God, and I know there must be a reason why I suffer, but it's hard to believe he's always with me." David reached out and took her hand and said, "Sweetheart, it's hard for you to believe that he is with you, because it's hard for you to believe that anyone, including God really loves you." Lilly sprang to her feet in anger and shouted, "That's not true, my parents loved me, and they loved each other very much!" David stood close to Lilly, looked into her eyes and asked her, "And how do you know that your dad loved your mom?" Lilly looked up at him and said, "Because mom told me that one Easter when she found her Lilly on the table, dad left her a note that read: My love, I know you've had a hard life, but I love you, and will always be with you." Lilly started to cry, and as David gave her a reassuring hug, she felt such strength and comfort in his embrace.
She walked away feeling very strange, and even embarrassed, that she had confided so much to a stranger. When she returned home she walked into her kitchen and saw a beautiful Lilly on the table with a card that read: My Child, I know you've had a hard life, but I love you, and will always be with you. Lilly cried, ran out the door all the way back to the river shouting David's name, desperately trying to find him, but he was gone.
Many years past, But because David taught her that it's okay to open up and let people into your heart, she found great joy and comfort from her friends. Then one day God sent a wonderful man into her life, and because she had learned to trust, they fell in love and she knew that she would be loved for the rest of her life. And on her wedding day as she danced with her new husband, someone tapped him on the shoulder to dance with the bride, and to Lilly's shock, it was David! Lilly cried and said, "David where have you been all these years! I looked for you, but couldn't find you! How could you do that to me, how could you leave me!" David smiled at her and said, "Sweetheart, I've been with you since the day you were born. I was there when your mother first held you, and gave you your first kiss. I was there every time someone kissed you and I was there every time someone gave you a loving embrace. But when you grew up you pushed me away, and what's worse, you stopped believing in me. Don't you see Lilly, God sends me to everyone, every day. But unless you open your heart, I can't touch you." He kissed her then started to walk away. Lilly shouted "Don't go David! When will I see you again?" David stopped turned to her and said, "You'll see me in every kiss you give or get, and in every smile that's given to you. I am the twinkle in your husband's eye, and even the wag in your puppy dog's tail. Don't ever worry about finding me, because I will always come to you, for my name isn't David child, my name is Love."
One day she went for one of her walks by the river, and she saw this man fishing. "Hello" He said in a very sweet friendly voice. She turned and smiled at him and said, "Hello, I've never seen you here before. Are you new to the village?" The man turned to her and said, "No, I'm not new to this village, I come to visit quite often." The woman was puzzled. The village she lived in was very small, and everyone knows each other, and she had never seen this man before. But she decided to take him at his word, and as she walk passed him she said, "Well, God be with you, and have a good day." "You don't really believe that do you?" The man asked her. "What?" She replied in a somewhat shocked voice. "You don't really believe that God is with us" The man answered. The woman looked at him with anger and replied "Of course I believe God is with us! What are you saying, that I don't believe in God?" "No" the man replied with a calm soothing voice, "I'm not saying you don't believe in God, I'm just saying that you don't believe that he's with us always." At this point the woman was just about to tell this stranger off, when he walked over to her and said, "I'm sorry if I angered you, I didn't mean to do that. My name is David. What is your name?" The woman looked up at him with anger and resentment at first, but when she looked into his eyes, they seem to pierce right through her. She regained her composer, and answered, "Lilly". "That's such a beautiful name, how did you come to be called that?" David asked her. Lilly put her head down and said, "Well, my mom and dad were very very poor, and at Easter, my dad never seemed to have enough money to give my mom flowers, so he would spend hours the day before Easter to find the most beautiful Lilly he could find to give her on Easter morning. So years later when I was born on Easter morning, mom named me Lilly."
They sat there by the river talking and Lilly ended up telling David her life story, and all the pain and suffering she had endured her whole life. Then after sharing all this with him, she turned to him and said, "You know David you were right, I do have trouble believing that God is always with us. I mean I believe in God, and I know there must be a reason why I suffer, but it's hard to believe he's always with me." David reached out and took her hand and said, "Sweetheart, it's hard for you to believe that he is with you, because it's hard for you to believe that anyone, including God really loves you." Lilly sprang to her feet in anger and shouted, "That's not true, my parents loved me, and they loved each other very much!" David stood close to Lilly, looked into her eyes and asked her, "And how do you know that your dad loved your mom?" Lilly looked up at him and said, "Because mom told me that one Easter when she found her Lilly on the table, dad left her a note that read: My love, I know you've had a hard life, but I love you, and will always be with you." Lilly started to cry, and as David gave her a reassuring hug, she felt such strength and comfort in his embrace.
She walked away feeling very strange, and even embarrassed, that she had confided so much to a stranger. When she returned home she walked into her kitchen and saw a beautiful Lilly on the table with a card that read: My Child, I know you've had a hard life, but I love you, and will always be with you. Lilly cried, ran out the door all the way back to the river shouting David's name, desperately trying to find him, but he was gone.
Many years past, But because David taught her that it's okay to open up and let people into your heart, she found great joy and comfort from her friends. Then one day God sent a wonderful man into her life, and because she had learned to trust, they fell in love and she knew that she would be loved for the rest of her life. And on her wedding day as she danced with her new husband, someone tapped him on the shoulder to dance with the bride, and to Lilly's shock, it was David! Lilly cried and said, "David where have you been all these years! I looked for you, but couldn't find you! How could you do that to me, how could you leave me!" David smiled at her and said, "Sweetheart, I've been with you since the day you were born. I was there when your mother first held you, and gave you your first kiss. I was there every time someone kissed you and I was there every time someone gave you a loving embrace. But when you grew up you pushed me away, and what's worse, you stopped believing in me. Don't you see Lilly, God sends me to everyone, every day. But unless you open your heart, I can't touch you." He kissed her then started to walk away. Lilly shouted "Don't go David! When will I see you again?" David stopped turned to her and said, "You'll see me in every kiss you give or get, and in every smile that's given to you. I am the twinkle in your husband's eye, and even the wag in your puppy dog's tail. Don't ever worry about finding me, because I will always come to you, for my name isn't David child, my name is Love."
Monday, April 13, 2009
THE MIND OF CHRISTY LAWSON
Just got off the phone with a friend of mine who's been deeply hurt by another friend of mine who just happens to be a male version of me. So it got me thinking that there might be more than one person out there who's frustrated, and can't figure ME out.
Well there's only one word of advise I can give when it comes to trying to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, and that is DON'T!!!!! It would be easier for you to split the adom in your bathroom sink than to try to figure me out. But for those of you who are curious, well here it goes.....
I'm very intellectual and seek the same in the company I keep. If you claim to be an "expert" on a subject that intrigues me, you better know your shit because if it intrigues me, you can bet I've read up on the subject, and I WILL call you on it. I'm an open book, and have no problems telling my friends what I'm doing or going to do, but if they start the "you shoulds" forget it, I can't be "managed". I think that's why I'm single, because I love older men, and I'm old fashioned, but as soon as they start pulling in the reins, I bolt. I'm a notorious flirt with a great eye for male beauty, but that doesn't mean I go bed hoping, and if he doesn't have a great heart and some kind of an intellect, I won't touch him with a ten foot pole! Different people bring out different sides of me, and very few can say they know the REAL me. I can never say that I'm lonely, because I have so many friends to talk to and do things with, but I bore so easily, so it's rare for me to keep doing the same things with the same set of people. Freedom and adventure are LIFE to me, and that's why being tied to this chair is killing me inside. No more biking, hiking, batting cages, camping, all the things that I need to cope with all the pain in my life. I'm a caged bird right now, and I know my friends have seen the change in me. Even though I see the world as it could be, I accept the world as it is, and try to make it a better place.
So as you can see, it's VERY hard to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, and take my word for it, you wouldn't want to! Because it wouldn't take long for you to be so confused that you wouldn't be sure if I belong in the nut house or in the White House. When the truth is I belong somewhere in between. But even though it may be hard to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, it's not hard to get into the HEART of Christy Lawson. I love people, I'm too trusting, and I get hurt very easily. And even though very few people have seen or heard me cry, believe me, my tear ducks do get a workout. I don't know why people do what they do, but maybe if we can understand them a little better, it might explain a lot. And maybe for those of you that wonder about me, (and I know you're out there because you email me all the time telling me you can't figure me out!) this blog entry may help. Oh, and to my friend who's hurt, let me say that remember, deep down he knows how difficult he is, just as I know how I am. The things we crave most in this world such as love and understanding, seem to elude us for whatever reason. Don't beat yourself up because you can't figure him out, because trust me you can't. All you can do is walk away from the friendship, as so many have done to me, or you can be like the small circle of friends that are close to me, and just forgive him and move on. You're a wonderful friend and person, and if he can't see that, or doesn't want that in his life, then he's the fool and it's HIS loss.
Well there's only one word of advise I can give when it comes to trying to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, and that is DON'T!!!!! It would be easier for you to split the adom in your bathroom sink than to try to figure me out. But for those of you who are curious, well here it goes.....
I'm very intellectual and seek the same in the company I keep. If you claim to be an "expert" on a subject that intrigues me, you better know your shit because if it intrigues me, you can bet I've read up on the subject, and I WILL call you on it. I'm an open book, and have no problems telling my friends what I'm doing or going to do, but if they start the "you shoulds" forget it, I can't be "managed". I think that's why I'm single, because I love older men, and I'm old fashioned, but as soon as they start pulling in the reins, I bolt. I'm a notorious flirt with a great eye for male beauty, but that doesn't mean I go bed hoping, and if he doesn't have a great heart and some kind of an intellect, I won't touch him with a ten foot pole! Different people bring out different sides of me, and very few can say they know the REAL me. I can never say that I'm lonely, because I have so many friends to talk to and do things with, but I bore so easily, so it's rare for me to keep doing the same things with the same set of people. Freedom and adventure are LIFE to me, and that's why being tied to this chair is killing me inside. No more biking, hiking, batting cages, camping, all the things that I need to cope with all the pain in my life. I'm a caged bird right now, and I know my friends have seen the change in me. Even though I see the world as it could be, I accept the world as it is, and try to make it a better place.
So as you can see, it's VERY hard to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, and take my word for it, you wouldn't want to! Because it wouldn't take long for you to be so confused that you wouldn't be sure if I belong in the nut house or in the White House. When the truth is I belong somewhere in between. But even though it may be hard to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, it's not hard to get into the HEART of Christy Lawson. I love people, I'm too trusting, and I get hurt very easily. And even though very few people have seen or heard me cry, believe me, my tear ducks do get a workout. I don't know why people do what they do, but maybe if we can understand them a little better, it might explain a lot. And maybe for those of you that wonder about me, (and I know you're out there because you email me all the time telling me you can't figure me out!) this blog entry may help. Oh, and to my friend who's hurt, let me say that remember, deep down he knows how difficult he is, just as I know how I am. The things we crave most in this world such as love and understanding, seem to elude us for whatever reason. Don't beat yourself up because you can't figure him out, because trust me you can't. All you can do is walk away from the friendship, as so many have done to me, or you can be like the small circle of friends that are close to me, and just forgive him and move on. You're a wonderful friend and person, and if he can't see that, or doesn't want that in his life, then he's the fool and it's HIS loss.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
JUST FOR SHITS & GIGGLES
George W. Bush finally dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, The Devil says to him, "we're pretty full with you guys down here, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you three rooms, you pick what you want to do for all eternity, and I'll let that person go, and you can take their place."
In the first room he saw Herbert Hoover jumping into boiling oil over, and over again. George told the Devil "I can't deal with that!" Then he looked into the second room, and saw Richard Nixon breaking rocks with a hammer, and George told the Devil, "I have a bad back, I can't deal with that!" Then he looked into the third room and saw John F. Kennedy with Marilyn Manroe hunched over a desk, being screwed up the ass by John over and over again. George then turned to the Devil and said, "I can definitely deal with that!" Then the Devil said, "Okay Marilyn, you can leave now!"
In the first room he saw Herbert Hoover jumping into boiling oil over, and over again. George told the Devil "I can't deal with that!" Then he looked into the second room, and saw Richard Nixon breaking rocks with a hammer, and George told the Devil, "I have a bad back, I can't deal with that!" Then he looked into the third room and saw John F. Kennedy with Marilyn Manroe hunched over a desk, being screwed up the ass by John over and over again. George then turned to the Devil and said, "I can definitely deal with that!" Then the Devil said, "Okay Marilyn, you can leave now!"
Friday, April 3, 2009
MY BIGGEST FEAR
It's funny what are biggest fear might be. I have a friend who's biggest fear is spending the rest of her life alone, and one who thinks that if he comes out as a gay man he'll loose all his friends. Then there's my friend in DC who thinks if he let's his guard down, and let's someone in his heart, that they'll just shatter it to bits.
What's my biggest fear? Strangely I tell friends that it's dying without doing all the things I want, or when I start to date someone new, I use the excuse that I'm too afraid of getting hurt, so I can't let someone get too close. But the truth is my biggest fear is becoming so weak that I'll have to depend on someone to take care of me for the rest of my life. Even though I've already shed the tears about not being able to wear dress heals, go dancing, or even go to my beloved batting cages, the thought of depending on someone for help to do even the most basic needs, scares me more than anything in this world.
But tonight something happened that gave me great hope and comfort. About a month ago I was thinking of St. Theresa, and the woman I've loved and adored most of my life, Mother Theresa, and when I bought a little vial with a small little wish written inside on a grain of rice, I had the guy put a little rose inside before he sealed it. then a few weeks later someone who really didn't know me that well, but who has since become very dear to me sent me a wonderful little prayer of St Theresa. Then a few days later an old friend of mine who was in town, was having a long talk with me on the phone, and without my saying a word was telling me that he had been praying to St. Theresa, and that if I receive a rose, or I smell roses, that that is her little sign that she hears you, and that she is praying for you. Now you can say that those three things are all just a co-winky dinky, but tonight mom and I were watching TV and mom says (and again, I never told her anything) "what's that wonderful smell?" And as I put my head up, a wonderful smell of fresh roses filled the room! There were no flowers in the room, and this rat hole NEVER smells good. But I took a long intake and said thank you to St. Theresa. You can believe what you want, but I believe it was her way of reassuring me that things will be alright, and it's time for me to lay to rest my biggest fear.
What's my biggest fear? Strangely I tell friends that it's dying without doing all the things I want, or when I start to date someone new, I use the excuse that I'm too afraid of getting hurt, so I can't let someone get too close. But the truth is my biggest fear is becoming so weak that I'll have to depend on someone to take care of me for the rest of my life. Even though I've already shed the tears about not being able to wear dress heals, go dancing, or even go to my beloved batting cages, the thought of depending on someone for help to do even the most basic needs, scares me more than anything in this world.
But tonight something happened that gave me great hope and comfort. About a month ago I was thinking of St. Theresa, and the woman I've loved and adored most of my life, Mother Theresa, and when I bought a little vial with a small little wish written inside on a grain of rice, I had the guy put a little rose inside before he sealed it. then a few weeks later someone who really didn't know me that well, but who has since become very dear to me sent me a wonderful little prayer of St Theresa. Then a few days later an old friend of mine who was in town, was having a long talk with me on the phone, and without my saying a word was telling me that he had been praying to St. Theresa, and that if I receive a rose, or I smell roses, that that is her little sign that she hears you, and that she is praying for you. Now you can say that those three things are all just a co-winky dinky, but tonight mom and I were watching TV and mom says (and again, I never told her anything) "what's that wonderful smell?" And as I put my head up, a wonderful smell of fresh roses filled the room! There were no flowers in the room, and this rat hole NEVER smells good. But I took a long intake and said thank you to St. Theresa. You can believe what you want, but I believe it was her way of reassuring me that things will be alright, and it's time for me to lay to rest my biggest fear.
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