I'm sorry for my last post, I didn't mean to upset anyone. But I do want to thank Mike and Donna for understanding how I feel. It's not just me that's tired, it's also my poor little body that's taken almost 24 years of chemo and drugs that wants to rest as well.
I feel bad for Mike. He's such a good man, and yet I push him away. I guess it's a combination of being ill, and fear. Fear of being hurt, of letting my guard down too early, or of just being abandoned when I need him the most. One thing that most men I've dated have told me, is that they love my independent, strong, stubborn nature. Oh what fools!!!! I played them all, because deep down I'm as needy as the rest of us. The truth is I want a strong, sweet, gentle father figure type man that I can look up to. Who can guide me without bossing me around. As some of you know, I did find it once, but then he shattered my heart so badly that I'm not sure if I can ever love that way again.
Maybe that's the key to my wit. Everywhere I go I make someone laugh. I admit it's an addiction with me, but I do wonder how I do it when deep down I'm so miserable. I guess that old saying is true- INSIDE EVERY CLOWN BEATS A BROKEN HEART!
To All Of You
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