I'M SORRY.......

I'm sorry for my last post, I didn't mean to upset anyone. But I do want to thank Mike and Donna for understanding how I feel. It's not just me that's tired, it's also my poor little body that's taken almost 24 years of chemo and drugs that wants to rest as well.

I feel bad for Mike. He's such a good man, and yet I push him away. I guess it's a combination of being ill, and fear. Fear of being hurt, of letting my guard down too early, or of just being abandoned when I need him the most. One thing that most men I've dated have told me, is that they love my independent, strong, stubborn nature. Oh what fools!!!! I played them all, because deep down I'm as needy as the rest of us. The truth is I want a strong, sweet, gentle father figure type man that I can look up to. Who can guide me without bossing me around. As some of you know, I did find it once, but then he shattered my heart so badly that I'm not sure if I can ever love that way again.

Maybe that's the key to my wit. Everywhere I go I make someone laugh. I admit it's an addiction with me, but I do wonder how I do it when deep down I'm so miserable. I guess that old saying is true- INSIDE EVERY CLOWN BEATS A BROKEN HEART!

I FEEL SO LOST

In the middle of the night last night I felt very close to death. I can't explain it, I just felt that way. The sad thing is that I feel sad that I DIDN'T die! I know this sounds like a poor little me speech, but it's just that life is just not worth it to me anymore.



The constant pain, living in this rat hole, and having to worry where my next meal is coming from, is just too much for me to deal with. I think Patrick Swaze said it best when he said that you just have to keep fighting unless you get too tired, and that's how I feel, I'm just too tired.

Michael Buble - 'You Don't Know Me/That's All'

Sweetheart, remember when you sang "You Don't Know Me" to me all those years ago? Then I sang "That's All" to you the other day? Well the wonderful Michael Buble has put them together! So this is for you my love, and thank you for loving me so much.