Mr. Big - To Be With You

Mr. Big - To Be With You And my Hubby would sing this to me!

More than words

I remember my husband playing the guitar and I'd sing this song to him, I wish everyone could have a love like that. Maybe I'll find love like that again.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG

Hello World! I never knew so many of you actually read this blog until I stop writing for awhile. So much has happened since Halloween, and most of it is very painful. I have hundreds of acquaintances, many friends, and some great close friends. I even have an extended family that always seem to pull me through when I need them the most. But this entry is dedicated to two very special men in my life.



GARY: My Papa Gary! He of all my friends is the one that I turn to for not only guidance, but for just plan fatherly love. And of all the people I know, he is the one that I respect the most. He has a grown daughter that faces many of the same life challenges that I have to face, so he REALLY knows what I go through, and just what I need to hear to pull me through. When I'm with him I feel like a protected little girl, and I've waited so long to feel that safe again. Recently a situation came up that really hurt me, and although I don't like to see people I love upset over me, when I heard how angry Gary was, and how he got to the bottom of it, it warmed my heart so much to know he had my back. Although there was really nothing he could do to change it, he just made me feel loved and protected. For someone who's been without a father for the past 27 years, it just feels so good to be loved like that.



TODD: My Precious Toddler! Now I've been blessed a few times in my life to have known someone who understands me, but I don't think I've met anyone who is almost exactly like me! Even from the first day we met last summer, he saw right through me. Wise far beyond his years, he possesses not only the intelligence to know how to communicate with me, but also the patience needed to be close to me. People like Todd and I are very rare. We're not better than anyone else, but we just don't fit in with most of society. Even though we have big hearts with a huge capasity to love, we are ruled by our minds. I guess you could say we are complicated minded people who truly enjoy the simple things in life. He makes me feel peaceful and NORMAL. And I just know that no matter what life may throw at me, I can always call him and even if he doesn't have the solution, he will know what to say to make me feel better.



These two men mean the world to me. The only scary thing about them is that I can never put anything over on them. They know just from the tone of my voice when somethings up, and I can deny it til I'm blue in the face, but it will be of no use. I love them with all my heart, and I only hope that I bring even a small piece of joy into their lives, because I can never repay what they've given me.

Halloween! - Bobby Pickett - Monster Mash - (HD Stereo)

It's not Halloween without this classic!

I AM A GEMINI

Gemini Woman



May 21 TO June 21


Slogan: I Think, Therefore I am.


GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS:


The sign of Gemini is known as the “Child of the Zodiac,” and in keeping with that description it portrays youthful vitality, and an ardent curiosity about life. This is a sign ruled by the planet Mercury the fleet-footed messenger of the gods.


It is an airy, communicative sign and therefore the Gemini women are always on the move, and with a mind to match. These girls are always inspired with ideas and they constantly express the need to relate, to talk, and to connect with others.


The Gemini woman tends to be very rational person who analyses life and separates thoughts and ideas into smaller pieces.While this tendency can result in a highly intelligent, versatile, and quick-minded person, it can also contribute to the Gemini woman’s tendency to be dispersed, nervous, and mentally fatigued.


Gemini girls love to travel about, jumping from here to there in a never-ending search for new experiences and discoveries of all kinds. At times this need for continual movement can cause the Gemini woman to lose direction and, it can become more important and override the actual purpose for a journey.


Gemini woman becomes increasingly more discriminating as she matures, and will clarify the focus of her life orientation. Irrespective, by her nature she will endeavour to remain an adolescent as long as possible, since she thrives on, and loves the many faces and the many small adventures that she meets along her versatile way in life.

PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS:

The Gemini woman is one who has a wide variety of interests. She will seek a partner who is as intellectually stimulating as he is sexually attractive and, one who is who is mobile, versatile, and not possessive.

In keeping with her “Sign of the Twins” the Gemini girl has a wide range of friendships and she detests any feeling of being restricted or tied down. Since Gemini is not the most consistent of the zodiacal signs, then any partner to a Gemini girl will need to be a very patient person.

A relationship with a Gemini woman can be very exciting, stimulating, and full of variety, however, there can be a tendency for it to be devoid of true emotional intensity. A Gemini woman can relate very well with those of the signs Aquarius, Aries, and Sagittarius. In addition, be comfortable with Leo . Virgo, Capricorn and Taurus can be a challenge and, difficulties can arise with those with the more emotional signs of Pisces, Scorpio and Cancer.

So if a woman that is very fun to be with appeals to you, and you're not possessive or overly emotional, the Gemini girl can be the girl of your dreams!

MY HEART

I don't know what the hell this virus has done to me, but it's done much more than just make me ill. It's made me feel very mushy and sentimental. It's forced me to lower my walls, and show more of my feelings. I guess in a way you can call it a good thing...but it scares the shit out of me. My mom has been laughing at me because she's known all along what a softhearted person I am, and that I do a great job of hiding it. I guess I've always feared that if I wear my heart out on my sleeve, I'll just get hurt. And if they see the little girl in me, they'll laugh, and not with me, AT me. But you know I've been hiding for almost 27 years, and I'm tired.


Another thing that I've noticed is that not only am I crying more, I'm also laughing with more joy as well. I even bought a bubble gun and I now go down the street in my chair shooting bubbles along the way! Yeah I know, you might think I've lost it, but you know life is just too damn short. I'm not saying I think I'm gonna die soon, but you never know, and I want to die happy. Maybe I'm finally coming to terms with being in this chair, and even though I can't do the things I used to, I can still make a fool of myself.


I'm playing with my dog more, I watch more mushy movies, I laugh more, I'm hugging and kissing my friends more and telling them how much I love them every chance I get. I thought acting like this would make me a push over, but I find that it's making me actually stand up for myself more. My attitude now is that if I care about you, I'll be there for you through bad times because that's what friends are for, but I'm not going to sit with you through a LIFE SUCKS PITY PARTY because I just don't have the time or the energy. A therapist once told me that it takes a great deal of energy to be unhappy all the time, and she was right. I know life is hard, BELIEVE me I know, and we're all guilty of self pity, but as Steven King says in the Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living, or get busy dieing".


Maybe it was hearing scary things from my doctor, and the words "heart donor list" that woke me up. I think we all take life for granted, until you realize it can be taken from you. I've been fighting to live for so many years, but I think for the wrong reasons. It was because I'm not a quitter, and because I had others that love and depend on me. But it was never for me, I never wanted to live for just me, and that's sad. I have a few friends like that, who are existing, not living. One in particular whom I love very much, but since she doesn't love herself, my love for her is in vain. She is more concerned about what people who don't give a shit about her think about her, than those of us who love her. I've tried to reach her but I can't. But I can't change her attitude, I can only change mine. It doesn't matter if I'm here another year, or another 40, if those years are not spent with some degree of happiness, I might as well just die now.

AQUI ESTARE (The english lyrics to the beautiful spanish love song)

That you will never see me like the girl of your dreams , that you will not pay attention to the facade of my bones; it is certain that the moon is not of cheese and that I do not have model curves…

That never you will understand this absurd feeling, I that I will never have the fortune of a kiss; it is certain that on a daily basis I am living in a story of you foretell that I invent to me…

And even so I will take care of almost leyéndote to you thought, and even so I will remain always to your side next to your silencios, and even so I will follow to you until the world changes and turns the other way around. here I will be (auqi estare)

That you will never see me like the cause of sleeplessness, I that you will not include/understand that I am angel of your story; I understand that your eyes have fear to see the woman that I am on the inside…

And even so I will take care of almost leyéndote to you thought, and even so I will remain always to your side next to your silencios, and even so I will follow to you until the world changes and turns the other way around. here I will be (aui estare)

And even so I will take care of almost leyéndote to you thought, and even so I will remain always to your side next to your silencios, and even so I will follow to you until the world changes and turns the other way around. here I will be (aqui estare)

WHY I'M SO ILL

The heart virus that's making me so sick is called Myocarditis. It's the same virus that killed Andy Gibb. My doctor believes the cancer weakened my system so much that that's why I caught it. It's rare (lucky me) but not unheard of among cancer patients. I've been doing some research on the virus, and it also seems to be common among drug addicts. So I was thinking that even though I've never been addicted to drugs (I don't even take the ones I'm supposed to take) maybe all the drugs I have taken over the years would equal the amount a drug addict would have taken. And in doing so, made my poor little body weak.

And speaking of my little body, last Sat. my friend Dawne and I had lunch at Knott's, and afterwords we stopped by the hotel gift shop to see my friend Jim. When I stood up to show Jim how to do something on his computer, Dawne sat in my chair to go for a ride in the hallway. She made the comment that she never realized how little I was until she sat in my chair. My chair took three months to get because it was custom made for me. But I have to admit whenever I look at it, I too am taken back by how small it is. I may only be 4'11 but I've never been ashamed of my body. One time I was on a bus in New York long before I had trouble walking, and this guy looked at me and said "Damn you're short!" I looked up at him and said "Yeah, and you're STUPID! I can wear heels if I want to, but you'll be stupid for the rest of your life!!!" That's me, smart ass to the end, now I tell everyone that I'm the only one I know that can stand up from this chair and still be the same height as when I'm sitting in it!

KD Lang - Constant Craving

No matter how down I get, music always brings me up. And I love this song, and K.D. Lang, well gay or straight, this woman can belt it out like no one else of my generation. Rock on K.D.!!!!

AN AMAZING DAY

I was sitting in bed when after a good stretch, the pain was gone. Then my love called and he told me that he realized what an ass he's been and that he was going to come out to see me and if we can work out our problems, he wanted me to come back with him. I called my doctor, and he said that my last blood work was good, and that he thinks it would be alright if I went. Mom came home from work and I told her what had happened, and she said that she and Reggie would be alright for a while and to go ahead and go. I was so exited! I thought that even if it doesn't work out with my love, at least I'd be out of CA and this rat hole, and be on my way to a normal life! Then I went out with the guys for a beer and to tell them the good news, and we were just sitting there laughing and singing oldies, and they all were so happy for me. Then at the end of this amazing day, my sweetie called again and said that he always loved me just for me. It didn't matter that I couldn't do the things I used to do. That he knew that I was the first woman to love him for the person he was and it wasn't his job, looks, or what I could get out of him. Tears of joy ran down my face, and I just knew somehow things would be ok, and no matter if I die tomorrow, I die happy.......Then I woke up! It was still Fri. morning, I still was in pain, it was only a dream.

WHY CAN'T WE BE HAPPY

I have a friend who has a good job that she's bored with, a nice apartment all to herself, and good health. And she's so unhappy. I on the other hand can't find a decent job, can't find a moment to myself, and am in poor health. And also am unhappy. She doesn't have many friends, and doesn't date. I on the other hand have many friends, and even going for a taco last night got bugged by a guy wanting to buy me a drink. Why can't we be happy? Why can't she and I pull together our resources and give to the other what we need. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

Even though she's my friend, she doesn't understand why guys are always around me, and they never give her the time of day. I've told her a million times that I'm nothing special, and it sure the hell ain't my looks. But if she wants to interact with men she has to open that mouth of hers! I sit and wonder why when she needed a place to live, not only did her church help her get one, but furnished it as well. Don't mean to be cruel, but she really is not the brightest bulb on the marque, and yet she lands a coding job with a medical billing company, and makes good money. She has an eating disorder and abuses her body, and yet is always healthy.

Why? We're both good women that could use a break. There is one big difference between us, and that is she is ready to give up, and I can't. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I'm so sick I do want to lay down and die, but I can never be like that for very long. And no matter how angry I get at life, I can never become bitter and say that I have NOTHING. I am weak and tired, and I might give out, but I don't think I can ever give in, and just can't give up.

Sam Cooke - Bring It On Home To Me

My all time favorite song. Sam Cooke, Lou Rawls, doing back up, it don't get better than that baby!!!!

WHEN WILL I DIE?

Just took this fun little application on Facebook where you enter your birth info, and it calculates when and how you'll die-

Christina just found out the Death's Time:
Date: June 9 of 2032 at 7:21 pm.
Cause: Apparent heart attack aboard a cruise ship
Age: 66 years old

All I had to say to that was- "Shit! I have to wait that long to have peace! Well I hope that heart attack is do to great sex on that cruise ship, because if you gotta go, that's the way to go!"

ANOTHER LATE NIGHT

Putting in another late night at Denny's, and screwing around with the web cam on my Sony Vaio. Normal people go dancing on Saturday night, or go drinking, or get.....well you know. But what do us pathetic people do? We have coffee and do work at Denny's. Not that I lead a lonely life, because I do have a ton of friends to go out with, and chat on FB, but I just bore very easy, and when I do want to sleep I NEED QUIET!!!!! BTW been getting lots of compliments on my do, What do you think?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

I can't put this in a delicate or sweet way, so I'm not even going to try. So my question to you is WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!! I realise you're human with human faults, but I never thought you were just plain stupid. We all put on masks to hide our pain, or true feelings to the world, but deep deep down inside no matter who we are, we would all love to find someone that truly loves us just the way we are. Well mister you've found it, and now you're playing games and hurting the one person that really loves you.

Don't you want someone who is fun, loving, affectionate, has more than a single digit IQ, and above all puts you and your feelings first? You've been here a few years babe, you know how hard that is to find. Like the Billy Joel song says, TELL HER ABOUT IT! And the song also says she's put her trust in you, but a girl like that won't tell you what you should do. Remember this is me talking to you, and you may think you can bullshit me but you can't. I know you have feelings for her, and I know how much you care. So don't be a dumb ass and blow this chance to find true joy. Even if you're just scared to put your heart out on the line, just tell her and she'll understand. And unless you're the most stupid person in the world, you must know how much she loves you. But you're the man, it's up to you. She's a lady, and true ladies never push. But as much as she loves you, she also loves herself, and you've made her cry with your thoughtless behavior, and untruthful ways.

Maybe you might be angry that I didn't put this in a private email, but you know who you are, and who she is, and maybe there's someone out there in the same situation, and needs a wake up call as well. Besides you're ether going to listen or your not. But remember, if you let her slip away, don't ever sit back with friends and feel sorry for yourself. Because at least once in your life you were blessed with true love, and YOU threw it away.

TOMORROW'S A BIG DAY

So excited about tomorrow and my first meeting with my first client. My tummy is doing flip flops! He’s looked at my work online, and says he likes my style, and most of all both he and his wife like me. I never had a confidence problem, but since I’ve only been doing this off and on for 4 years, I admit I don’t have the confidence I should have, but I’ll give it all I’ve got.

It’s so hard to change careers at my age. I know how to run an office, be a damn good personal assistant, even have a marketing, advertising, and public relations background. But being stuck in an office all day is like putting me in jail. I think I loved being a PA the best, because my boss’s success was in many ways my success. But I was a full charge PA and that meant running errands, and I can no longer drive. Guess I can always sell myself on the corner, but shit then I’d really starve!!!! Wish me luck!

THE CHOICES WE MAKE

I have a friend named Stacy who has been battling cancer for over 15 years, and now it's relapsed again, and she doesn't want to take the treatment. For those of you who know her, YOU NEED TO BACK OFF!!!!! I know you care about her and don't want to loose her, I feel the same way, but in the end it's her choice. All we can do is be there for her, and help in any way we can. As my own doctors have said, sometimes the quality of life is more important than the quantity.

I've come to that point in my life. Not that I want to lay down and die, but if I only have a little time left, I want to find some joy before I go. I remember the post I wrote about not having any joy in my life for so long, well the truth is that it was all my own fault. I'm the one who put those walls around my own heart. I taught myself not to become attached or dependant on anything or anyone. Yes it does save you an enormous amount of pain, but it also robs you of joy.

I'm going to try to not only cut out of my life those that walk over me and take me for granted, but to love the ones that are in my life a little bit more. I want to be remembered with a smile, and maybe that I made them laugh once, not as a bitter woman in a wheelchair.


So remember we all go through some bad points in our lives, and if you suffer from depression, it's not your fault, and you need to get help. But if you find yourself constantly bitching about how unhappy your life is, 9 out of 10 times YOU are the one that needs to change. It's not easy, but all we have is here and now. We might not have tomorrow, and we can't bring back yesterday.

LOVE CAN BE SO GRAND

Dear when you smiled at me,

I heard a melody,

it haunted me from the start.

Something inside of me,

started a symphony,

ZING! Went the strings of my heart!



'Twas like a breath of spring,

I heard a robin sing,

about a nest set apart.

All nature seemed to be,

in perfect harmony,

ZING! Went the strings of my heart!



Your eyes made skies seem blue again.

What else could I do again.

But keep repeating through and through

"I love you, love you"



I still recall the thrill,

guess I always will,

I hope 'twill never depart.

Dear, with your lips to mine,

a rhapsody devine,

ZING! Went the strings of my heart!

JUST FOR SHITS & GIGGLES 2

I know some of these are stupid, but what the hell I'm bored!!!!!

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."


It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

JUST FOR SHITS & GIGGLES

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"



The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job."Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."


A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

SO STRONG

I can’t count how many times I’ve been told how strong I am because of what I’ve had to endure in this life. Even my own mother thinks I’m an extremely strong woman. I just smile and say thank you, but the truth is I’m NOT strong. Deep down inside is a very weak frightened little girl who would love to be sheltered and protected. In many, many ways I’m very much like my idol Judy Garland. I studied voice with Lew Salter who worked with Judy, and I found out that not only did we share the same birthday, height, 3 octave range, prefer to sing in B flat, but that we were both Daddy’s girls. Well in my case I was a Grandpa’s girl. That poor woman spent her whole life searching for that loved and protected feeling that she knew as a young girl. I guess you could say I have too, but the difference between Judy and I, was I didn’t turn to drugs to cope with life. Not to put poor Judy down, God rest her, for they were shoving those pills down her throat as a young girl, (can’t see how her mother allowed that) and to be honest, if there wasn’t an addiction factor in taking drugs, I’d say bring them on and let’s get high! But there’s just something inside me that doesn’t allow me to be dependent on anything OR anyone. I guess it’s because there’s a huge down side to it, and I don’t think I could survive it.

So how do I stay strong? Two reasons, my love for God, and love for my best friend (me). I guess some people think because I don’t speak about my faith too much, they assume I’m not religious. Well let me tell you at one point when I was a teenager, I was seriously thinking about becoming a nun, (ok stop laughing) but I wanted to be a mother and a wife too much to do it. I don’t have to carry a bible in my hand all the time, wear a I LOVE JESUS t-shirt, or preach to everyone to be close to my Lord. As my Grandpa used to say, “Just worry about getting YOUR soul into Heaven, pray for others, do for others, and don’t judge anyone because you’re no better than anyone else”. That’s why I don’t discuss religion or politics, because I don’t need to get others to think as I do to believe in what I believe in. As far as my best friend goes, well she may be stubborn, a smart ass, an over all pain in the butt, but she is also honest, loyal, very loving, and always backs her friends up.

I have two close friends who have some serious self hate issues, and I wish I could help them. Both are great women, and I know deep down they would love to be loved and cherished. One of them hates herself so much that even if Mr. Right came along, she’d push him away. She refuses to see the wonderful things about her, and she claims she’s tired of hearing about loving herself. I told her I used to be the same way, and it took 36 years for me to learn how to love myself, and be my own best friend. The thing that I learned is unless you love yourself, not only can no one love you, but you can’t claim that you truly love anyone as well. She claims to have loved her family, who are now gone, and she may have loved them, but she doesn’t see that in not loving herself and wanting to die to be with them, would only hurt the ones that she claims to love so much. The other has been in and out of the hospital, has been wanting to kill herself for many years, been married 5 times, and is petrified of being alone. But she asked me one day how I learned to love myself, and I told her for me I just started to give myself a break, and to try to step out of myself to try to see what others saw in me. It wasn’t easy, but then few things that are worthwhile are. And I still mess up sometimes. But I started to do more for others, I chose good people for my extended family, and I learned to trust God more. I don’t mean to preach, and what worked for me doesn’t mean it would work for someone else, but after I did these things, I found I could pretty much face anything. The only problem I’ve been having lately is that the outlets that I used to turn to bring me joy, I can no longer do, and I’m having trouble finding alternatives.

Well boys and girls, that’s the lesson for today, so remember that sometimes people you may think are very strong, can be just as weak as anyone else, they’ve just learned how to cope with life in a way that works for them.

BEAUTIFUL AND TRUE.....

When I was little, my favorite Disney film was Bambi. The words to the song from that movie always makes me feel better.

Love is a song that never ends-
Life maybe swift, and fleeting.
Hope may die, but loves beautiful music-
Comes each day like the dawn.
Love is a song that never ends-
One simple theme, repeating.
Like the voice of a heavenly choir-
Love's sweet music goes on!

Tell the people you love in your life how much they mean to you, and remember in the end, there's always love.

100 TRUTHS

Interesting survey on Facebook...Here we go!



1. Last beverage- Water

2. Last phone call- Robert

3. Last time you cried- Last night


SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice- Yes

2. Been cheated on- Yes

3. Cheated someone else- No way

4. Lost someone special- Yes

5. Been depressed- Am right now

6. Been drunk and threw up- At 18, and never did it again

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Red

2. Peach

3. Pink

4. Yellow

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends- All the time

2. Fallen out of love- Yes

3. Laughed until you cried- Yes

5. Found out who your true friends were- Yes thank God

6. Found out someone was talking about you- Yes

7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list- Yes

8. How many people on your friend's list do you know in real life- About 65 out of the 90

10. Do you have any pets- 1 dog Reggie

11. Do you want to change your name-No

12. What did you do for your last birthday- Went out to dinner with friends

13. What time did you wake up today- Didn't go to bed


14. What were you doing at midnight last night- Computer stuff

15. Name some things you CAN NOT wait for- Joy in life, a good nights sleep

16. Last time you saw your father- He died when I was 12

17. One thing you wish you could change about your life- Where I live

19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom- Yes

20. What's getting on your nerves right now- These questions!

21. Most visited webpage- Youtube

1. What's your name- At birth- Christina Louise Lane

2. Nicknames- Steel Baby, Pixie

3. Relationship Status- What relationship?

4. Zodiac sign- Gemini

5. Male or female or transgendered- The last time I checked Female

6. Elementary- Cresson

7. Middle School- Robert Lewis Stevenson

8. High school- James A. Garfield

11. Long or short hair- Short

18: What do you like about yourself- My wit

19. Piercings- Just the ears

20. Tattoos- Hell no

21. Righty or lefty- Proud righty

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery- Elbow

23. First piercing- Ears

24. First best friends- George, Carol, Judy

26. First sport you joined- Softball

27. First pet- Dog, Lassie

28. First vacation- Pismo Beach

30. First crush- Scott, first grade

49. Eating- Simalac

50. Drinking- Water

52. I'm about to- Have another Heineken

53. Listening to- The Boss

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids- Can't have any

59. Want to get married- No, been there done that

60. Careers in mind- Not sure

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes- Eyes

69. Hugs or Kisses- Hugs, big bear hugs

70. Shorter or taller- Taller

71. Older or Younger- Older

72. Romantic or Spontaneous- I'm a sucker for both, but I'd have to say spontaneous

73. Nice stomach or nice arms- Arms

74. Sensitive or loud- Loud

75. Hook-up or relationship- Relationship

76. Trouble maker or hesitant- Neither

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger- No

79. Drank hard liquor- Yes

80. Lost glasses/contacts- Yes

81. Sex on first date- No Way

82. Broken someones heart- Yes, But didn't know it till years later

83. Had your own heart broken- Oh yes

86. Turned someone down- Yes

87. Cried when someone died- Yes

88. Liked a friend that is a girl- Hell No

89. Liked a friend that is a guy- Married my best friend

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself- At times

90. Miracles- Oh yes

91. Love at first sight- Not for me, but I'm sure it can happen for some

92. Heaven- Yes

93. Santa Clause- Yes

95. Kissing on the first date- Depends

96. Angels- Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now- Yes

99. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time- No

100. Posting this as 100 Truths- Yes

THANK YOU PAUL

I just want to thank my good friend Paul Douglas for the great biography he wrote for my web site. Thanks PD!

Christina was born and raised in Los Angeles, California. She began speaking at six months, and was able to carry on full conversations by the age of two. Extremely musically inclined, her family encouraged her to develop her talents, and by the tender age of ten she had achieved first chair violin in her school district’s honor orchestra. This was an extraordinary accomplishment considering the fact that she was unable to read music! “I have severe dyslexia, and the notes always looked backwards, so I learned to play by ear alone.” By twelve her voice was the most promising of all her instruments, and she began to study with the great Lew Salter. As a result she won the title role of Annie in the first Los Angeles production of the Tony award winning musical.

Yet music and acting were not her true love. Once in the 5TH grade she was told to write a story using all the words in that week’s vocabulary list, and she wrote what she calls her first attempt at comedy writing. So moved by her story her teacher sent her on an errand to the front office while he read her story to the class. She returned to find the whole class laughing and applauding her. “That was it! I was hooked, and I wanted more of it. To have all those faces looking at me with joy on them was a feeling I’ll never forget.” But after all the money her family put towards her music, she felt compelled to keep this desire a secret. So after her role in Annie payed off the family home, she finally told her grandparents of her desire to be a writer. “I knew it would be an uphill battle, because I’m a much better singer than I am a writer, and because of my learning disability, I naturally couldn't excel in English.”

Then in 1982 at the age of sixteen, she experienced a life changing tragedy when her beloved grandfather passed away. After years of hard work to try to be able to attend a good college, she dropped out of high school, and almost ended her own life.

The following year she met her friend and mentor Molly Kelly, and began to work on her dream of becoming a comedy writer. She began writing for the group The Comedy Divas a troop of female stand up comedians in Los Angeles. She eventually started performing with the group in 1987, and stayed with the troop until 1992.

But it was a diagnoses of Hodgkin's Disease at nineteen that truly shaped her adult life, and she would battle the cancer on and off for the next twenty years. Now in 2009 at the age of forty-three she is in remission from lung cancer. “Cancer has been a part of my life ever since it took the life of my grandpa. Since then it has taken more people I love than any other cause of death. I don’t know why it has not taken me, but as I often say, Heaven must not want me yet, and Hell must be afraid of the competition!"

REAL MEN

I love men! I love being with them, talking to them, and of course......well we won't go there. Even though there are rotten apples, most of them are truly great friends. I feel so comfortable around them, that even if I'm the only woman on the fishing boat, I can have such a good time. One time a woman told me that I don't like being around women because I don't like not being the center of attention when I'm around woman that are more attractive than me. Give me a break! I know I'm not pretty, I never have been, and I never will be, and that's fine. As far as getting attention, I'm a God damn comic, so I can work a room and get men AND women laughing. I just don't know how to connect with women on a one on one bassis. Let me tell you something ladies, If you put me in the right clothes, put the right amount of make up on me, I can be just as Gilly girl as you, and my c cups are REAL!!!!!!


Anyway, a perfect example of my relating more to men, I was just at Denny's for my late night coffee, and when John the waiter was going to bring me a 3rd cup, and I told him that I just want more water, he looks at me and says, "Well then what am I suppose to do with all this cream?" We just looked at each other and busted out laughing! The waitress who also knows me didn't get it, and when I explained it to her, and when she realized it was a sexual joke, she just rolled her eyes, and gave me a dirty look. Most women for some reason seem to have such a hang up about sex that I just don't understand. I realise that we tend to hold more of and emotional connection with it than men do, I'm no different, in fact I can still count the number of men I've slept with on one hand! But I just can't understand why they just can't have fun with the subject. As long as it's in good taste, and not too graphic. Though I swear I've heard some girl talk that was completely XXX!

Now just because I said I love men doesn't mean I love ALL men. There are three types that I can't stand, Cowards, Bullies, and Whipped men just turn my stomach! Cowards that have to hit women, Bullies who have to make their women cry to get their way, and Whipped men that have to ask their wife's permission to take a shit are totally useless men, or should I say males. I guess every woman is different, but I love REAL men. Men that you can look up to, admire and respect. They take the world on their shoulders, they know how to treat a lady, and if you walk with them you don't have to worry that they're going to jump behind you in a pinch. They open doors for you, and unless they're sick or hurt, you never have to do the driving! I know women should be able to have any job they want, but I tell you if I'm in a burning building, I want to see a big strong fire MAN at the end of that ladder, not a woman! Maybe that's a sexist way of thinking, but maybe if we hadn't confused our roles so much, the world would be a better place.

THE DRAGON IS LOOSE

I can't say that I'm happier, but something has happened to me. I remember a few weeks after I turned 29 and I was very very ill and in stage 4 of cancer. The doctor came in and told me to focus on the quality of life rather than the quantity, because I probably wasn't going to see my 30th birthday. I went home crying, and almost gave up. Then something happened to me that night. I don't know what you would call it, but something inside of me just snapped. I became very angry, and just told the world and everyone that wanted me to give up and lay down and die to fuck off!!! As I've said many times, being half Irish and half Native American is a very dangerous combination. I'm not only stubborn, but I have a fiery temper that can move mountains. So if I put my mind on something, and someone or something lights a fire under my ass, LOOK OUT!It was like that scene in Gone With The Wind when Scarlett is starving and in the garden and she vows to beat this and live through it. Well not only did I see my 30th, but I saw my 40th, and God damn it, I intend to see my 80th!

Yesterday I was suppose to see a specialist to see if I have MS, and they called me to tell me that my insurance won't cover the visit but if I want to pay for it ($250.00) I was welcome to keep my appointment. Then I received a letter telling me that CA has just dropped my vision and dental coverage. Most people don't know that chemo effects your teeth, and I need major dental work done, but I was waiting till I was in remission. I snapped, blew a fuse, hit the roof, had a cow, any way you want to call it, it happened. The Dragon came out with a fury, and all I can say is that it was a good thing that no one was home, but I do think I scared the shit out of Reggie.

So now what? Well for one thing I'm through with doctors, and drugs. I'll keep up with my check ups, but that's it. I'm going to find some way to leave this fucking CA, and I'm NEVER going to live here again. Mom said she'll move anywhere I want to go, so we're OUTTA HERE! I've asked God to bless me with something that I want very much, and I told him that I want to touch, help, and love as many people as I can before he calls me home. Don't know how I'm going to do all this, or even find the money to do these things, but I was spared for some reason, and I owe it to all those who've not survived cancer to at least try.

Ever since this depression started in January, I found I was crying more and more for my family and friends who have passed away. I felt lost and abandoned. Even though I knew in my heart that I was going to be with them some day, all I could think about was that they weren't here with me now that I needed them the most. But the truth is they never left me. They walk with me every day, and kiss me good night. They pray for me, and I bet I can still make them laugh like I used to do. Even though I miss their hugs and kisses, and seeing them smile at me, to say that I don't feel them near, would be a lie.

Lastly I want to say that I believe very much in the power of prayer. Only the fool says there is no God. I've seen healthy people drop dead, and people on their death beds get well, and no one can explain it. He's answered every prayer I've asked him, even if it wasn't answered in the way I wanted. I'm sure all this suffering is for a reason, and one day I know he'll show me why. So my friends please pray for me, and pray for those I love that are going through some bad times too. And pray for all those who are suffering from depression that are in dark places, because believe me it can happen to any of us at any time, and when it does we need extra love and understanding.

CAN'T STOP THE PAIN

Just woke up and I feel so incredibly sad. I'm trying so hard to come out of this, and yet I feel like I'm loosing. I'm not suicidal, but I'm tired of living. I know there are so many that love and care about me, yet I feel so alone. I feel so guilty about all the prayers that were given on my behalf to get me to this point, and yet I'm not grateful. Still in shock about loosing my friend Molly, and wondering why God spared me and not her.

The only thing I can think of is that in all this time, I've not found joy. Never really had time to think about it, because I was either fighting to get well, or I was too busy taking care of someone else. I've only known joy twice in 43 years. The first 16 years of my life, and when I was pregnant with my son. My mom once told me that if they made a movie of my life, no one would believe all the tragedies I've been through. And yet I must admit, there have been many, many, joyful moments in my life.

So where do I go? Who do I turn to? What do I do? I've always craved being with my friends, laughing, catching a ball game, or just reading and listing to my music. Now, I turned down my friend's invite to come over this weekend, I stooped going to the sports bar, I only call my close friends when I need to talk to them about something important, or if they need me, and I even turned down an invite to go fishing 4TH of July weekend, and I NEVER turn down a fishing trip!

I keep waiting for my best friend to show up to rescue me. The little smart ass that gets a kick out of making people laugh. The girl who puts me in my place, and never lets me feel sorry for myself for too long. She's been with me all my life, and with the exception of my grandpa, the only one I've ever been able to count on. I looked in the mirror a while ago, and she's just not there.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

My grandpa was and is the one true love of my life. What made him so special? At first I didn't know myself. But as I became a women and socialized more with men, I finally knew. He was an old fashioned gentleman, without being a male chauvinist. I can't tell you how many times he told me I could be anything I wanted to be, yet he better never catch me not acting like a lady, or I was in big trouble!

One of my favorite memories was when I was about ten, and he and my uncle put up this great big jungle gym for me in the back yard. I asked him if I could bring some friends over to play with me, and he said yes, and then the next day he caught me playing with about twelve boys! Needles to say, I was in BIG trouble. He knew I was far too young to be doing anything wrong, (hell, I didn't have my first kiss until I was sixteen!) but he tried to explain that my playing with twelve boys, was just not lady-like.

It wasn't always easy being his little girl, because I was as much a smart ass and stubborn as he was, but no girl could have had a better father. He taught me that men aren't the complicated creatures we women think they are. If you find a good man, all you need to do is just let them be a man, stroke that ego, show them you love them, stroke that ego, don't try to make them think like you do, oh and did I mention to stroke that ego? Women are the ones who are the trouble makers, I still end up putting my foot in my mouth with women, and I'm a woman!

Is it possible to be a ladies man and still be faithful? Well grandpa proved it was. I remember the stories about him knowing his share of women, and he had a ball in Paris during WWI. But then in 1923 he married this little spitfire of a woman named Mary, and he stayed with her for fifty-nine years! Yet he attracted women like bees to honey. He told me one day that life is too short, and it doesn't matter how long your married, if your not happy leave, and try to find happiness with someone else. But never try to have your cake and eat it to, or you'll be sorry. He said he felt sorry for men and women who stay in a loveless marriage for the kids, or money, or even worse, because of a vow they took in church. He thought of God as a father, and what father would want his child to be unhappy. You know for a man born in the 1800's he was one hip dude! No angel by any means, but a straight, no bullshit type of man that lived his life by his own set of morals.

There was just one thing wrong with my relationship with my grandpa, and that was that God only let me have him for sixteen years. The man was my father, teacher, protector, and best friend. In other words, he was the center of my universe. I remember my grandma telling him that we were too close, and that he was probably not going to live to see me grow up, (he was 70 when I was born) but he told her it was too late to change things now. But grandma was right, and on October 16, 1982 God called him home. Now twenty-seven years later not a day goes by that I don't think of him, and what he must think of me, and how I turned out.

Men like grandpa are very, very rare. In fact in my forty-plus years I've only known three. Two thank God are in my life now, the other was my childhood sweetheart George. We reconnected about three years ago, and he said that the one thing that he remembered about grandpa, was that he loved that grandpa could wear a pink shirt, except flowers from a woman, and still hold his manly head up high. "Your grandpa would have loved that t-shirt that reads REAL MEN WEAR PINK!" It's true, grandpa wasn't afraid of his feminine side. He was a man's man, and he didn't need to be a bully, or have a trophy wife, or even have a bunch of money to hold his head up with other men.

Grandpa, like the song from Bread says, "no one could ever know, the part of me that can't let go" everything I am, and believe in, you taught me. But you never taught me how to live my life without you! I hope mom is right, and that you are proud of the woman I've become. But I don't care how many years go by, or how many men come in and out of my life, I miss being in your arms and hearing you tell me that everything will be alright, and that you're there for me. I miss not having you here to protect me, defend my honor, and to make me laugh. Through the years I've learned to do all those things for myself, yet I've never learned how to live without that huge strong loving hand of yours stroking my shoulder telling me that I was loved, and that no one better mess with your little girl. Well your little girl misses you, and again, as the song says, "I would give everything I own just to have you back again!"

THANK YOU EVERYONE!

OMG! What a week! Thank you all for your gifts, cards, emails, flowers, and most importantly, your love during this birthday week of mine. That’s why no matter how hard life gets, I can never sit down and feel sorry for myself, because I know so many out there love me. Although I love and thank you all, there are a few I want to especially thank-

Mom- Mommy, I take your love and support so much for granted. Even though I tease you and call you a pain in the butt….truth is I’d be lost without you. No one will ever love me as you do, and I can never love anyone as much as I love you Mommy!

Robin- Even though you had a hell of a day on my birthday, you still showed up. That means so much to me, because that’s a true friend. But it goes both ways sister dear, so always know I’m here for you too.

Shannon- My baby girl! You’re such a chip off the ol block! Although I may not be your real mom, I love you as much as if I popped you out myself. Wasn’t it fun making John blush at the restaurant? A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste, and that’s why you and I rocked the house that night. We need to take our act out on the road!

John- Thanks so much for coming to my dinner, and for being such a good sport while Shannon and I played around. You’re a class act, and I love you dearly.

Molly- Last but not least, Molly what would I do without you! Not only do you never forget about me, you make sure that no one else forgets about me either. You’ve known me longer than anyone, and yet you still stick by me. Thank you my friend.

And again thank you all!!!!!!!

HOW MUCH WE CHANGE

I was talking to my friend Molly last night and she brought up how much I've changed over the years. Of course I changed big time when I was 16 and my grandpa died, and my world fell apart. But I think the biggest change in my life was when I was about 35. All through my twenties and early thirties, I had this incredible chip on my shoulder, and I was so angry. If you notice, most stand up comedy revolves around anger. What was I so angry about? Who knows, I think it was the fact that all my adult life in addition to having to fight for my health, I always had to take care of someone, but there was no one there to take care of me.

But maybe it was that deep down inside, I just wanted to fit in. In school I was very popular, even though I was chubby and unattractive. And by the time I was in high school, I had excelled so much in softball and roller derby (I used to practice with the LA T-Birds) that my calender was pretty full. But I could never seem to fit in with any group, male or female. Even though by the time I was 18, I had studied voice with the late great Lew Salter, played the lead in Annie at the Pantages theatre, sang at the Hollywood Bowl twice, and yet I never was happy. I just wanted to be normal. A normal woman, or shall I dare say a "typical woman" even though I bitch about my sex all the time. There's a lot to be said about being typical. Maybe if I had been typical, I'd be leading a typical life, and be married with children.

So I think for the first 35 years of my life, I was angry at myself for not being typical. Then in and around my 36th birthday, I noticed that I just had to face the fact that I'm never going to be tall, thin, pretty, girly-girl, or have a family of my own.....and it's okay! I realized that even though I wasn't with my husband anymore, I was never at a lost for male company. When I get those snotty looks from my friends wives and girlfriends, it's not that I'm the freak, it's just that they're mad because their man would rather hang out with me then sit with them. I realized that it's good not to fit into a category and be typical, because then I would be boring and ordinary. God blessed me with the gift of being unique, and I needed to be thankful.

Now I'm facing the same insecure feelings I faced all those years ago. Trying to find the blessing in being in the chair. Feeling insecure when I'm out with friends having a good time. And dating? Oh God no! And it's not because I'm not asked, and it's not looks, because I never fall for a guys looks, and even though I'm not beautiful, I'm kind of cute. It's just that The type of man I love wouldn't give me the time of day. The type of man I love is a go getter, adventurous, athletic, charming, and witty. A man that doesn't just talk about things he loves, he goes out and DOES them! And not that I don't like romantic dinners and walks on the beach, but now I can't even walk on the beach without help! So once again the things I took for granted and laughed about, I wish I had. So the moral of this entry is? Count your blessings! Don't bitch if you have to take the stairs when an elevator is out. And above all never ever say "I'll never change" because that's just when life will come and bite you in the ass!

RAINBOW CONNECTION

Everyone has had a song that touches us in a certain way. When I was little, my father (who was born in Ireland) used to sing to me LOOK TO THE RAINBOW, and that's why I named this blog that, and why the lyrics are on the top of the page. Even though my grandpa was my hero and the love of my life, Papa was also very influential as well. I was only twelve when he passed away from cancer, but at least he had the chance to see me on stage as Annie.

Now I have passed on the tradition to my little Steven, and when I saw him a few weeks ago, we sang a song by the wonderful Paul Williams called The Rainbow Connection. As my father wanted me to fallow my dreams, (which unfortunately I didn't do) I want my little Stevie to always believe in his. He's only going to be eight next month, but I hope I lived long enough to have made some good memories. Here are the lyrics to this sweet little song-

Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions. And rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong, wait and see. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me. Who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star? Somebody thought of that and someone believed it, and look what it's done so far. What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing? And what do we think we might see? Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me. All of us under its spell, we know that it's probably magic....Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices? I've heard them calling my name. Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors? The voice might be one and the same. I've heard it too many times to ignore it. It's something that I'm supposed to be. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.

MY TRIP

I wish I could say I was glad to be home, but that would be a lie. But I am glad to be back with Reggie and mom. My spirit has been hit with some major blows that have unfortunately put it on life support, so this trip helped boost it enormously. And I want to take this opportunity to thank the fallowing people for making this trip so great.


Robin: Thanks for all your last minute help, and for the luggage. But I think the sweetest thing you did was when you were going to lend me your ipod, because I know how dear it is to you. You've been such a good friend to me and mom, thanks again.

Alison: You have the best bunch of kids I've ever known! Thank you for letting me be so close to you and your amazing family.

Steven: My precious little Stevie-Wevie, you bring so much joy and sunshine to my life! Thank you for all the hugs, kisses, and cuddles! I will be thinking of you on your birthday next month, and will send you a special surprise. Be a good boy, and I'll see you again soon.

Michael: What can I say that I haven't said before. You are such a class act! Thank you for making the last part of my trip a happy one. You are a total sweetheart!!!!!

MY LITTLE STEVEN

Last minute prep for my trip, and although there are some parts to this trip I'm NOT looking forward to, one of the the parts that I am is going to see my little Steven. I was in a serious relationship with Steven's grandfather, (He's 15 years older than me) and although I'm still "Grandma Christy" to the rest of the kids, to Steven, I'm Mommy. He was born on June 8th, 5 days after my son's birthday, and even though my Raymond would have been two years older, he tries so hard to ease my pain in loosing him by being close to me.

Stevie, or "Wevie" as I call him will be 8 in June, and he is extremely sweet and Innocent. Everything a child should be. I've packed some gifts, and I'm practicing hard on my card tricks, and I just can't wait for my hugs and kisses!

THANK YOU

Wow, I didn't know my last post would cause such reaction! But thank you all for your emails, it's nice to know this journal get read by so many of my friends. There were however several questions, and I'd like to take this time to answer them.

The first one is where did I find this short story? The answer is that I didn't find it at all, I wrote it myself.

The next one is that is the character Lilly really me, and her husband, my ex husband Buster? and the answer is no, no, no, no, NO!!!!!!

And the last one was what was I really trying to say in the story? And the answer is, I was just trying to reach people who suffer from what I call a closed heart.

Many of us do believe in God, and deep down do trust in him, but for what ever reason we have shut our hearts up tight when it comes to love. In my case I do love many people such as my mom, and my friends. And I do receive much love in return. But I can't say I have a "BEST" friend. I did have one once, her name was Karen, and just as I realised that she really was my best friend, and that she would stick by me no matter what, she was hit by a car and was killed, and I was there to see it. Many girlfriends have gotten very close to me, but as soon as I really start to trust them, they either betray me, or turn their back on me and break my heart. As far as romance goes, I have a ton of male buddies, and if their single and if I want to have a fling, I'll have one. As Clint Eastwood said in The Bridges Of Madison County "I may be a loner, but I'm not a monk!" But even that doesn't happen too often, and now that I'm in the chair, my self esteem is so low that I won't let anyone touch me.

So is there hope for the girl that refuses to let anyone in her heart? I hope so, because I hate the thought of growing into a bitter old lady. But there's not too many women who want a best friend that would rather go to a ball game than to the mall, and would rather have lunch at the ESPN Zone than a cute little french cafe. And as for men, I think that chance is even bleaker, because I love the fun loving man's man adventure type. So can you imagine a guy like that falling for someone in a wheelchair? Maybe in fairy tales they do, but not in real life. I know that sounds mean, but it's the truth. So for all you closed hearted people out there, please take a chance on love, it's worth the pain. Because you never know if something might happen to you that stops the opportunities from coming, and then you will end up alone, and that's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

AN EASTER LILLY

There was once a woman who lived in a very small poor village, who was very kind, and clever, but sad and aloof. The people who knew her loved her dearly, and they had all heard of the very sad and painful life she had endured. But yet she always smiled, and went out of her way to bring joy into other people's lives.

One day she went for one of her walks by the river, and she saw this man fishing. "Hello" He said in a very sweet friendly voice. She turned and smiled at him and said, "Hello, I've never seen you here before. Are you new to the village?" The man turned to her and said, "No, I'm not new to this village, I come to visit quite often." The woman was puzzled. The village she lived in was very small, and everyone knows each other, and she had never seen this man before. But she decided to take him at his word, and as she walk passed him she said, "Well, God be with you, and have a good day." "You don't really believe that do you?" The man asked her. "What?" She replied in a somewhat shocked voice. "You don't really believe that God is with us" The man answered. The woman looked at him with anger and replied "Of course I believe God is with us! What are you saying, that I don't believe in God?" "No" the man replied with a calm soothing voice, "I'm not saying you don't believe in God, I'm just saying that you don't believe that he's with us always." At this point the woman was just about to tell this stranger off, when he walked over to her and said, "I'm sorry if I angered you, I didn't mean to do that. My name is David. What is your name?" The woman looked up at him with anger and resentment at first, but when she looked into his eyes, they seem to pierce right through her. She regained her composer, and answered, "Lilly". "That's such a beautiful name, how did you come to be called that?" David asked her. Lilly put her head down and said, "Well, my mom and dad were very very poor, and at Easter, my dad never seemed to have enough money to give my mom flowers, so he would spend hours the day before Easter to find the most beautiful Lilly he could find to give her on Easter morning. So years later when I was born on Easter morning, mom named me Lilly."

They sat there by the river talking and Lilly ended up telling David her life story, and all the pain and suffering she had endured her whole life. Then after sharing all this with him, she turned to him and said, "You know David you were right, I do have trouble believing that God is always with us. I mean I believe in God, and I know there must be a reason why I suffer, but it's hard to believe he's always with me." David reached out and took her hand and said, "Sweetheart, it's hard for you to believe that he is with you, because it's hard for you to believe that anyone, including God really loves you." Lilly sprang to her feet in anger and shouted, "That's not true, my parents loved me, and they loved each other very much!" David stood close to Lilly, looked into her eyes and asked her, "And how do you know that your dad loved your mom?" Lilly looked up at him and said, "Because mom told me that one Easter when she found her Lilly on the table, dad left her a note that read: My love, I know you've had a hard life, but I love you, and will always be with you." Lilly started to cry, and as David gave her a reassuring hug, she felt such strength and comfort in his embrace.

She walked away feeling very strange, and even embarrassed, that she had confided so much to a stranger. When she returned home she walked into her kitchen and saw a beautiful Lilly on the table with a card that read: My Child, I know you've had a hard life, but I love you, and will always be with you. Lilly cried, ran out the door all the way back to the river shouting David's name, desperately trying to find him, but he was gone.

Many years past, But because David taught her that it's okay to open up and let people into your heart, she found great joy and comfort from her friends. Then one day God sent a wonderful man into her life, and because she had learned to trust, they fell in love and she knew that she would be loved for the rest of her life. And on her wedding day as she danced with her new husband, someone tapped him on the shoulder to dance with the bride, and to Lilly's shock, it was David! Lilly cried and said, "David where have you been all these years! I looked for you, but couldn't find you! How could you do that to me, how could you leave me!" David smiled at her and said, "Sweetheart, I've been with you since the day you were born. I was there when your mother first held you, and gave you your first kiss. I was there every time someone kissed you and I was there every time someone gave you a loving embrace. But when you grew up you pushed me away, and what's worse, you stopped believing in me. Don't you see Lilly, God sends me to everyone, every day. But unless you open your heart, I can't touch you." He kissed her then started to walk away. Lilly shouted "Don't go David! When will I see you again?" David stopped turned to her and said, "You'll see me in every kiss you give or get, and in every smile that's given to you. I am the twinkle in your husband's eye, and even the wag in your puppy dog's tail. Don't ever worry about finding me, because I will always come to you, for my name isn't David child, my name is Love."

THE MIND OF CHRISTY LAWSON

Just got off the phone with a friend of mine who's been deeply hurt by another friend of mine who just happens to be a male version of me. So it got me thinking that there might be more than one person out there who's frustrated, and can't figure ME out.

Well there's only one word of advise I can give when it comes to trying to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, and that is DON'T!!!!! It would be easier for you to split the adom in your bathroom sink than to try to figure me out. But for those of you who are curious, well here it goes.....

I'm very intellectual and seek the same in the company I keep. If you claim to be an "expert" on a subject that intrigues me, you better know your shit because if it intrigues me, you can bet I've read up on the subject, and I WILL call you on it. I'm an open book, and have no problems telling my friends what I'm doing or going to do, but if they start the "you shoulds" forget it, I can't be "managed". I think that's why I'm single, because I love older men, and I'm old fashioned, but as soon as they start pulling in the reins, I bolt. I'm a notorious flirt with a great eye for male beauty, but that doesn't mean I go bed hoping, and if he doesn't have a great heart and some kind of an intellect, I won't touch him with a ten foot pole! Different people bring out different sides of me, and very few can say they know the REAL me. I can never say that I'm lonely, because I have so many friends to talk to and do things with, but I bore so easily, so it's rare for me to keep doing the same things with the same set of people. Freedom and adventure are LIFE to me, and that's why being tied to this chair is killing me inside. No more biking, hiking, batting cages, camping, all the things that I need to cope with all the pain in my life. I'm a caged bird right now, and I know my friends have seen the change in me. Even though I see the world as it could be, I accept the world as it is, and try to make it a better place.

So as you can see, it's VERY hard to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, and take my word for it, you wouldn't want to! Because it wouldn't take long for you to be so confused that you wouldn't be sure if I belong in the nut house or in the White House. When the truth is I belong somewhere in between. But even though it may be hard to get into the mind of Christy Lawson, it's not hard to get into the HEART of Christy Lawson. I love people, I'm too trusting, and I get hurt very easily. And even though very few people have seen or heard me cry, believe me, my tear ducks do get a workout. I don't know why people do what they do, but maybe if we can understand them a little better, it might explain a lot. And maybe for those of you that wonder about me, (and I know you're out there because you email me all the time telling me you can't figure me out!) this blog entry may help. Oh, and to my friend who's hurt, let me say that remember, deep down he knows how difficult he is, just as I know how I am. The things we crave most in this world such as love and understanding, seem to elude us for whatever reason. Don't beat yourself up because you can't figure him out, because trust me you can't. All you can do is walk away from the friendship, as so many have done to me, or you can be like the small circle of friends that are close to me, and just forgive him and move on. You're a wonderful friend and person, and if he can't see that, or doesn't want that in his life, then he's the fool and it's HIS loss.

JUST FOR SHITS & GIGGLES

George W. Bush finally dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, The Devil says to him, "we're pretty full with you guys down here, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you three rooms, you pick what you want to do for all eternity, and I'll let that person go, and you can take their place."

In the first room he saw Herbert Hoover jumping into boiling oil over, and over again. George told the Devil "I can't deal with that!" Then he looked into the second room, and saw Richard Nixon breaking rocks with a hammer, and George told the Devil, "I have a bad back, I can't deal with that!" Then he looked into the third room and saw John F. Kennedy with Marilyn Manroe hunched over a desk, being screwed up the ass by John over and over again. George then turned to the Devil and said, "I can definitely deal with that!" Then the Devil said, "Okay Marilyn, you can leave now!"

MY BIGGEST FEAR

It's funny what are biggest fear might be. I have a friend who's biggest fear is spending the rest of her life alone, and one who thinks that if he comes out as a gay man he'll loose all his friends. Then there's my friend in DC who thinks if he let's his guard down, and let's someone in his heart, that they'll just shatter it to bits.

What's my biggest fear? Strangely I tell friends that it's dying without doing all the things I want, or when I start to date someone new, I use the excuse that I'm too afraid of getting hurt, so I can't let someone get too close. But the truth is my biggest fear is becoming so weak that I'll have to depend on someone to take care of me for the rest of my life. Even though I've already shed the tears about not being able to wear dress heals, go dancing, or even go to my beloved batting cages, the thought of depending on someone for help to do even the most basic needs, scares me more than anything in this world.

But tonight something happened that gave me great hope and comfort. About a month ago I was thinking of St. Theresa, and the woman I've loved and adored most of my life, Mother Theresa, and when I bought a little vial with a small little wish written inside on a grain of rice, I had the guy put a little rose inside before he sealed it. then a few weeks later someone who really didn't know me that well, but who has since become very dear to me sent me a wonderful little prayer of St Theresa. Then a few days later an old friend of mine who was in town, was having a long talk with me on the phone, and without my saying a word was telling me that he had been praying to St. Theresa, and that if I receive a rose, or I smell roses, that that is her little sign that she hears you, and that she is praying for you. Now you can say that those three things are all just a co-winky dinky, but tonight mom and I were watching TV and mom says (and again, I never told her anything) "what's that wonderful smell?" And as I put my head up, a wonderful smell of fresh roses filled the room! There were no flowers in the room, and this rat hole NEVER smells good. But I took a long intake and said thank you to St. Theresa. You can believe what you want, but I believe it was her way of reassuring me that things will be alright, and it's time for me to lay to rest my biggest fear.

MEN VS WOMEN

I know this may seem like whining, but I need to vent! For those of you that are men I'd like to take this opportunity to extend my deepest sympathy. How you manage to have relationships with women, and still keep your sanity is something I just can't figure out! I've always been what you might call a girly-girl tomboy. I mean I love being a woman with dresses and heels, but I just prefer to hang out with men than women.

Women may make the world a more beautiful place, but they can make life a living hell. Oh I know you men can be pretty stupid at times, and I can't for the life of me understand how you can memorize sport stats, but you forget your wife's birthday, but for the most part you men are strait forward. You don't play mind games, and you don't back stab.

I get sick this weekend with a stroke, and I have a girlfriend of mine email the people who mean something to me to let them know, and my dearest friend in the whole world takes something in that email the wrong way, and instead of trying to get a hold of me to find out what's going on, she writes me an email saying she's hurt and that she is walking away from our friendship. That's the drama I never have to go through with my male friends. Sure there's misunderstandings sometimes, and of course those of my male friends who are married or are in a relationship I have to keep my respectful distance. But I notice I never have to WATCH WHAT I SAY, or pretend to be happy when I'm not.

Right now I'm not in a good place. I feel abandoned and so misunderstood. For those of you who are my friends please know that I love and need all of you. I can't do this alone, I can't hold my head up and say to hell with the world, I'm just not that strong. And if I ever say or do anything that hurts or upsets you, please tell me, because right now I'm trying to figure out what true friends are for.

Pete Wiggins on the Ellen DeGeneres Show

OMG.....My son Lives!

HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY!

Erin go bragh to all my fellow Irishmen and women, and in case you didn't know it means Ireland the beautiful, not Ireland forever. My dad said I spoke quite a bit of Gaelic as a child, and even was developing an accent! But my favorite saying is pug mo erin owan which means kiss my Irish ass!

Yes my colorful ways even extend to other languages. But it can get you in trouble sometimes. For example, If I look at my caller ID and know the person calling, and I'm in a smart ass mood, I'll answer with something like "Christy's Chicken Shack, we make chicken salad out of chicken shit". So the other day I saw that a good friend was calling so I answered "Chickin Lickin, we deliver lickin chickin, how my I lick you today?" And without a breath he answered, "I'll take the all over special!" and since I have to have the last word in a wit challenge, I answered "with or with out the erogenous zone sir?" Now you'd think I would have gotten a good laugh from that, but instead he really wants his order filled! He's tall, blonde, handsome, beefy, you know your typical dream, so I just might have to fill this one. Oh well, the luck of the Irish!

FROM OUT OF THE BLUE....

Great story....Slept in this morning, and I go online in a pretty good mood, (life is always good when your not in pain, and you have a cold bottle of water and a Hershey's with almonds chocolate bar!) and then out of the blue I get a fan letter! Can you imagine that! I haven't been on stage since 1989, and I get this wonderful email from this man that used to catch the Comedy Divas first in Denver, then in Los Angeles, with his wife and sister.

For those of you that don't go that far back with me, the Comedy Divas were a group of six female stand up comedians that started out in the late 70's. The main writer for the group Molly Kelly sort of took me under her wing when I was eighteen, and I started writing for the group. They go on stage as a group and do a few skits (sort of like the Carol Burnett show) and then two or three of them would do a stand up routine. So it was Molly and I that would write the skits, and it was hard because I wasn't old enough to go into the clubs to watch it unfold on stage.

Then by the time I turned 21 in 1987, the group broke into two groups and toured the small clubs. The first group were the four members of the group that were gay, and they called themselves the Lesbian Comedy Divas, and let me tell you these women were FUNNY AS HELL!!! Then there was Molly, Karen Hardy, and I, and we had a blast touring small clubs and meeting new people.

So this guy wrote to me and he says that I was his favorite, and that he remembers how little I was, (I'm only 4'11) and that he loved how we'd come out at the end and cracked up the audience as a group.

I know many of you guys tell me over, and over again how I don't realize how many people I've touched in my life, and I guess we all don't realize that, but when someone that you don't know tells you how much joy you brought them, there's no better feeling in the world!

HOW DO YOU TURN OFF YOUR HEART?

Sad sad day....The other day a very dear friend of mine called me crying because her seven month old little girl was ill, and they thought she might have cancer. I did my best to calm her down, and told her that to just wait to see what the tests reveal. Well early this morning the baby was in a semi coma, so they rushed her back to the hospital, and her brother called me and said that little Ariel had a rare form of leukemia.

All these horrible thoughts came into my mind of how this poor little baby was going to have to go through to fight for her life. Then a few hours ago, my friends brother called me to say that baby Ariel passed away around 11:20 pm est. I was shocked, devastated, I still haven't stopped crying. In fact as I write this, tears are rolling down my face.

Why? Why give a beautiful little baby to someone just to take her away? And to think that this wonderful family was praying for me to get better not so long ago, and when I told them that my tumor was shrinking, they said I have to come out to Georgia so they can throw me a party. Then this happens...Why? Something has to be done about cancer. If you look back at all the people we've lost to this monster,(I've lost my whole family to it) and all the suffering it's caused, I just wish there was something we could do to stop this killer.

I guess you could say that we all have to die, and that we can't all die old in are beds pain free. But to take a baby that wasn't even given a chance, it just seems so unfair. I'm glad I have this blog to vent, and maybe touch someone who reads it, but right now all I feel is overwhelming sadness, and even guilt. Yes guilt, guilt that my 42 year old sagging butt is still here, when there are so many sick young people who have a hell of a lot more to live for, and they don't make it.

So as I go through another sleepless night, please do me a favor and count your blessings, hug and kiss your children, and above all do what the Grass Roots say and LIVE FOR TODAY!