The DR. said I was too weak to start chemo this week, so he gave me these strange new pills that are suppose to help your body tolerate chemo. Even though I'm still feeling blue, I want to thank Nikki, Molly, Wes, & Elyse for lifting my spirits. We all know that we are loved, but sometimes we need to hear that there are those that are in our corner.
In the middle of all this I'm working on my first paid web design job for the motel that my mom and I live at. If you want to watch the progress, it's at coveredwagonmotels.com! till next time, love to you all!
To All Of You
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
SO THE THE FIGHT FOR LIFE BEGINS!
I start chemo today, and I must admit I'm just not in the right frame of mind for this fight. A very thick depression has come over me, and I'm not sure how to shake it. It seems like every other time I've received the news that my cancer was back , I always took a deep breath, and said, "OK, what do I have to do next?" Now it seems like I just want to curl up in my bed and wait for it all to be over. I know that's a chicken-shit attitude to have, but I'm not this strong person that everyone thinks I am. From my mom, to my best friends, to my ex husband, everyone thinks I'm this strong person that can handle anything. But it's so not true! It's true that I've had a very hard life, but just because I haven't tried to but a gun to my head, doesn't mean I can take anything.
I once thought that since I lived through the death of my grandpa and son that I could live through anything, but now I just want it all to end. Not that I want to die, but I just want the pain to end. This God damn sickness has cost me too much. From not being able to get a decent paying job, and take care of my mom, to not being able to get close to someone for the fear of them not being able to handle my illness. So how do I face tomorrow? Not sure, but I know I have to try for if no one else, my mom. I asked her if she would hate me if I didn't take the treatment, and she was very understanding and told me she would stand by me no matter what. So tomorrow it's for my mommy the one person that has always been there for me, and the only one who knows what I've been through all these 42 years. Even on my birthday last Tuesday, with all the phone calls, and email good wishes, it was my mommy who came home with a gift, a wonderful talking card, and a cute Snoopy cupcake! Mom, who is as poor as I am, NEVER forgets me on my birthday.
I once thought that since I lived through the death of my grandpa and son that I could live through anything, but now I just want it all to end. Not that I want to die, but I just want the pain to end. This God damn sickness has cost me too much. From not being able to get a decent paying job, and take care of my mom, to not being able to get close to someone for the fear of them not being able to handle my illness. So how do I face tomorrow? Not sure, but I know I have to try for if no one else, my mom. I asked her if she would hate me if I didn't take the treatment, and she was very understanding and told me she would stand by me no matter what. So tomorrow it's for my mommy the one person that has always been there for me, and the only one who knows what I've been through all these 42 years. Even on my birthday last Tuesday, with all the phone calls, and email good wishes, it was my mommy who came home with a gift, a wonderful talking card, and a cute Snoopy cupcake! Mom, who is as poor as I am, NEVER forgets me on my birthday.
Monday, June 2, 2008
FUNNY HOW WE CHANGE
It's amazing how we change as we get older. Take my roomie Darin, I love him dearly, but he drives me up a wall with his view of family and death. I realize that we all have our own beliefs, but his attitude is if someone you love dies, oh well, they're dead and that's it. I get upset with him, then I wake up and realize that I'm arguing with a 27 year old!!!! A 27 year old that didn't grow up with the loving family that I did, and at his age I thought I knew it all too.
My mom was smart enough not to try to argue with me, she just said that one day I'd change. "Not me, I'm NEVER going to change!" Oh Mommy how right you were!!! As my 42nd birthday approaches on the 10th, and as I go back home to face chemo once again, one thing is certain, life is the most precious gift God gives us. And when someone we love dies, it IS a big deal because that beautiful little light that God created is no longer on this earth, and will never come back. It's true when we cry for them, we're only crying for ourselves, but if we love them, how can we not cry. I think that's one of the big problems in this world, we're producing too many cold, unloving, uncaring, disrespectful young adults who are going to turn around and pass it on to their children. I used to think that it would have been better to have been born into a dysfunctional family, because then it wouldn't have hurt so much now that they're gone. Now even though it hurts like hell that they're not here to help me through this, I thank God that I had them, because otherwise I would have grown up like Darrin, and not know what REAL unconditional love is.
But the older we get the more we learn, and the more we learn the more we realize we don't know a damn thing! Life really does begin at 40, and I intend to see my 50's and 60's! And if God let's me see my 70's & 80's even better! But this little body of mine is weak and tired, and I know that I look a lot older than I am, but I'm still here, and breathing!
My mom was smart enough not to try to argue with me, she just said that one day I'd change. "Not me, I'm NEVER going to change!" Oh Mommy how right you were!!! As my 42nd birthday approaches on the 10th, and as I go back home to face chemo once again, one thing is certain, life is the most precious gift God gives us. And when someone we love dies, it IS a big deal because that beautiful little light that God created is no longer on this earth, and will never come back. It's true when we cry for them, we're only crying for ourselves, but if we love them, how can we not cry. I think that's one of the big problems in this world, we're producing too many cold, unloving, uncaring, disrespectful young adults who are going to turn around and pass it on to their children. I used to think that it would have been better to have been born into a dysfunctional family, because then it wouldn't have hurt so much now that they're gone. Now even though it hurts like hell that they're not here to help me through this, I thank God that I had them, because otherwise I would have grown up like Darrin, and not know what REAL unconditional love is.
But the older we get the more we learn, and the more we learn the more we realize we don't know a damn thing! Life really does begin at 40, and I intend to see my 50's and 60's! And if God let's me see my 70's & 80's even better! But this little body of mine is weak and tired, and I know that I look a lot older than I am, but I'm still here, and breathing!
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